Understanding Children Fears

Fears
To many parents, children’s fears Common fears
Preschoolers are more self-
make no sense at all. Neverthe-
Fear of separation
assured than toddlers, but occasion-
less, to children, monsters lurking
ally experience fears about being
Toddlers’ anxiety about separa-
in the dark or scary noises coming
separated from a parent when
tion is an indication of growth. Be-
from the attic are quite real.
starting a new school or child care
fore your toddler turned 2, he or
Around your child’s second
arrangement, staying overnight
she forgot you after you left, and
birthday, he or she may become
with a relative, or moving to a new
settled down quickly. Now your
frightened by things that did not
home. Ease into new situations
child worries about and puzzles
cause fear before—the neighbor’s
gradually. Visiting the new school
over your departure.
dog, the dark, the bathtub drain,
several times before the ﬁ rst day,
Always tell your child that you
and loud noises.
or staying with your child for the
are leaving. Sneaking out decreas-
Several factors contribute to a
ﬁ rst day or two can make a
es trust. It may help to get your
child developing fears by age 2.
big difference.
child absorbed in an activity be-
Children between the ages of 2 and
fore you leave. An elaborate ritual
6 have experienced real fear or pain of waving bye-bye and blowing
from being lost, injured, or bitten.
good-bye kisses also may help.
They also have vivid imaginations
and struggle with the idea of cause
and effect. A toddler knows some-
thing about size and shape, but not
enough to be sure that he or she
won’t be sucked down into the
bathtub drain or into a ﬂ ushing
toilet. Older children also are aware
of dangers that they hear about or
see on TV. It’s hard to know what
is real and what is not.
PM 1529d Revised November 2003

Fear of baths
Fear of dogs
Younger children fear monsters
Many young children worry
Dogs are often loud, fast moving,
and snakes that lurk in the bed-
about going down the drain with
and unpredictable. Many children
room shadows. Older children
the water. No amount of logical
fear them. Respect your child’s fear
may fear burglars and thieves. It
talk will change this. Avoid letting of strange dogs; a child’s instincts
is not at all uncommon for chil-
the water drain out while your
may be right. If you wish to intro-
dren who are 10 and 11 to still use
child is still in the tub or even in
duce your child to a friendly dog,
a night light. A gradual reduction
the bathroom. If your child seems
ﬁ rst try sharing pictures of the dog
of light works for many families,
fearful of water, you might try
with your child. Next watch the
while some children decide on
letting him or her play ﬁ rst with a
dog from a distance, and ﬁ nally
their own to turn lights off. It is
pan of water, then in the sink, and approach the dog together. You
important not to rush your child.
ﬁ nally over the edge of the tub
may want to demonstrate how to
School-age children
(don’t leave a child alone in the
pet the dog, but don’t force your
have fears too
bathroom).
child to pet the dog, too. If he or she
During the school-age years,
refuses, you can try again later.
imaginary monsters disappear, but
Fear of loud noises
other fears begin to surface. School-
Although your toddler loves
age children often have to deal
to pound on a toy drum, the loud
with bullies, the fear of rejection
noise from a vacuum cleaner or
or embarrassment, and sometimes
a hair dryer may be very fright-
the reality of being home alone
ening. Even preschoolers can
after school. School-agers also are
develop fear of loud noises. Try
aware of TV and news events that
letting your child look at and
showcase murder, drug abuse,
eventually touch things in your
kidnappings, and burglaries.
home before you turn them on.
About one-third of school-age
If the fear seems intense, save
children experience fears that
“loud noise jobs” for times when
re-occur. Often these children
your child is rested and in a
develop strategies that help them
good mood, or better yet, when
cope. One common strategy
he or she is not around.
children use is to turn the TV on
when they arrive home so they
Fear of the dark
don’t hear scary noises. Other
Parents often sheepishly
strategies include hiding under
admit that their child sleeps
beds or in closets, turning all the
with a night light (or the room
lights on in the house, and using
light) on. Children can sleep
the phone for comfort and com-
with lights on without damag-
panionship. Older kids often feel
ing their health. Many children
embarrassed about feeling afraid
sleep with a night light well
and are reluctant to share their
into the school-age years.
feelings. Asking speciﬁ c questions
Fear of the dark is usu-
like “Do you have a special hiding
ally one of the last child-
place? Do you walk home a cer-
hood fears to be conquered.
tain way? When you come home

do you check the doors?” will
• Accept your child’s fears as
help parents identify concerns
valid. Support your child any
that their children might have. A
time he or she is frightened.
very elaborate plan for self protection
Use a matter-of-fact attitude
may indicate that the child is feeling
and some reassuring words. It’s
threatened and very afraid.
OK to explain that monsters
don’t really live un-
■ How parents
der the bed, but don’t
can help
expect your child to
believe it. Remember
Your child’s fears depend on his
that some fear is good.
or her level of anxiety, past experi-
Children should have a
ence, and imagination. If any fears
healthy sense of cau-
persist, give your child more time
tion. Strange dogs and strange
and try to avoid events and situ-
is best not to force a child into
people can be dangerous. As
ations that can trigger them. Your
fearful situations all at once.
children grow older, they begin
child may be better equipped
Often the “shock” method will
to have a better understanding
emotionally to deal with his or her
backﬁ re and intensify the fear.
of cause and effect, and reality
fears in a few months.
A small dose at a time is the
versus fantasy. They also may
best way to help a child over-
• Avoid lectures. It is not helpful
gain some ﬁ rst-hand experience
come fear.
to ridicule, coerce, ignore, or use
with the object of their fear and
logic. Think back to your own
discover ways to control po-
■ A note about
childhood. How often did you
tentially dangerous situations.
hear phrases like: “There is no
Eventually, most fears will be
nightmares and
such thing as a monster,” “Don’t
overcome or at least brought
night terrors
be such a baby,” “There are no
under control.
One out of every four chil-
lions or bears for miles and miles
• Show your child how to cope.
dren between the ages of 3 and 8
from here,” or “Pet the nice
Young children can learn some
experiences either night terrors or
doggie, he won’t hurt you.” Did
coping skills that will help them
nightmares. Both of these situa-
statements such as these really
feel like they have more control
tions can be unnerving, but are
make you feel any
of their fear. Learning how to
generally short-lived.
better?
take deep breaths, using their
Night terrors generally occur
imagination to turn a scary
within an hour of falling asleep.
monster into a funny monster,
The child awakens suddenly from
or keeping a ﬂ ashlight by the
a state of deep sleep in a state of
bed after lights are turned off
panic. He or she may scream, sit
are all good examples of coping
up in bed, breathe quickly, and
skills. Reading children’s books
stare “glassy eyed.” The child also
about scary situations such as
may seem confused, disoriented,
going to bed in the dark
and incoherent. Each episode can
or having an op-
last from 5 to 30 minutes. A child
eration in the hospital
who experiences night terrors is
also can be helpful. It
not aware of any scary thoughts

or dreams and is usually able to
Parents can help by remain-
■ Read more about it!
go back to sleep quickly. In the
ing calm. Hold your child close
For more information about
morning, the child usually doesn’t
and talk in a soft, soothing voice.
children and families contact your
remember waking at all. Night
Comfort and reassure your child.
county extension ofﬁ ce and ask for
terrors may occur for several years. If possible, stay close by until he or the following publications.
Generally they go away with time
she falls asleep. Calm, consistent
Understanding Children: Disciplining
and are not an indication of any
handling of nightmares or terrors
your toddler, PM 1529c
underlying emotional problems.
will help your child feel safe and
Understanding Children: Disciplining
Nightmares generally occur in
secure.
your preschooler, PM 1529b
the early morning hours. Children
Understanding Children: Self-esteem,
who experience nightmares can
■ Books for children
PM 1529h
Growing into Middle Childhood:
often recall the vivid details of
Are You My Mother? P. Eastman
5- to 8-year-olds, PM 1174a (cost)
their scary dream and may have
How Many Kisses Goodnight? Jean
difﬁ culty going back to sleep.
Monrad
Also visit the ISU Extension Web
Nightmares will often center on a
The Runaway Bunny, Margaret
site at:
speciﬁ c problem or life event that
Wise Brown
www.extension.iastate.edu
is troubling the child.
Goodnight Moon, Margaret

Wise Brown
Bedtime for Francis, Lilian Hoban
Ira Sleeps Over, Bernard Waler
File: Family life 8
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Jack M. Payne, director, Cooperative Extension
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Service, Iowa State University of Science and
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