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Cunt Lickers Anonymous

s heart.
'
Guelph
return to the roots. Anglo-American society is a
'
the second sex.
s ingenuity, so I
'
I might as well test the CIA
'
lung castes for you!
he picked up the blade and plunged it into
ve got to do is
'
stupidity years ago. What we
women to have original ideas, they are after all
artists had died, I split. That afternoon, I thought
ll be no more
'
Lickers Anonymous set up. There
' the inebriated twit replied as
s a good idea!
'
That
'
objection about the Hansa, we demolished that
t be so critical, one cannot expect
'
and don
under which Solomon Thursday and the three
s the end of your sick Cunt
not the hoary old
'
themselves in, so that
' Guelph snapped, '
' Chibelline assured me,
Oh no,
The very same person,
'
statements to the cops about the circumstances
lying on the floor at Chibelline.
more, Guelph and Chibelline have just done
d made
'
t for me. Therefore, once we
' I said as I kicked a carving knife that was
'
I see a problem here.
'
'
isn
lying, ' I hissed, '
But,
'
result fruitless labour?
s '
What
' I yelled. '
m not a fucking Nazi!
'
Well, I
'
babe, but a long term relationship with a spook
s '
t you try a test to see whether he
'
Why don
'
making plaster castes of rocks and calling the
'
Empire and Religion working hand in hand!
assure you that Hannah Hornblower is one hot
s idea of
'
'
anything about it!
Ross MacDonald and Joseph Campbell
'
immortal!
is wonderfully enhanced by the twin forces of
s more or less what we did. Let me
t know
'
'
And that
me about their politics because I don
the twit who became famous by appropriating
m
' I
' Guelph exclaimed. '
m not going to die!
' I ' and pure. Thanks to our Art, the Life of the People
t bother asking
'
with sculptural subjects, so don
you mean Roseanne Whitebait,
' I put in, '
What,
'
'
Champaign breakfast!
and bring together everything that is beautiful
Chibelline have been very helpful in providing me
'
you die?
and book a flash hotel room and order a
Chibelline, because we oppose the old hatreds
informed us.
autopsy to retrieve my artwork. Guelph and
what am I to do if
' Chibelline howled, '
Guelph,
'
d go
'
bastards are in the money, so if I was you, I
' Guelph
s why we call ourselves Guelph and
'
that
Our friend Whitebait is on her way round,
'
concrete and leave it to set, before performing an
market with Wyndham Lewis fakes. You two lucky
'
longer have a career on the gallery circuit!
his feet and raised his right arm in a Nazi salute,
the career of Adolf Hitler.
Once these oiks are tripping, I fill their lungs with
evidence to convict and jail the ring flooding the
happen, then the surviving partner would no
' Chibelline screamed, as he jumped to
You see,
'
fame and fortune had remarkable parallels with
LSD before they get various yobs to lick me out.
quid reward for anyone providing the police with
because as far as I can see, if that were to
'
Flags!
were clowns, and encouraged them, their rise to
why I let Guelph and Chibelline lace my cunt with
anonymous philanthropist has put up a million
contingency plans you have if one of you dies,
a Europe of the Peoples, a Europe of a Hundred
Arches. People thought Guelph and Chibelline
s '
t like the working class. That
'
know is that I don
some
' the WPC whispered, '
By the way,
'
the Hansa. What I want to know is what
a homeland of their own, then we truly can have
music hall classics such as Underneath The
t know anything about politics, all I
'
artist, I don
has nothing to do with
' I explained, '
My problem,
'
' Hannah concurred.
Yes, yes!
'
the regions blossom and the immigrants return to
tables in pubs and in an inebriated state murder
m an
' I
' Whitebait retorted. '
How should I know?
activities of our masters.
cosmopolitanism of New York and Hollywood. Let
d get up onto
'
s who
pair of performance artist
' I snarled.
'
Circus!
Do I look like a Nazi?
'
' a
' for the murderous
justification
more rhetorical '
why he was opposed to the rootless
the singing pissheads,
their initial reputation as '
Street, only two minutes walk from Oxford '
coming to visit them sometime this week.
done, institutional culture simply provides one
genius of Adolf Hitler to recognise this, which is
perhaps recall that Guelph and Chibelline made
s gallery is in Darling
'
on the floor. I believe Duffer
neo-Nazi leader Guelph and Chibelline said was
superiority of the ruling class. When all is said and
many beautiful cultures in the world. It was the
d be blind drunk. Many of my readers will
'
they
s a half finished Wyndham Lewis fake
'
see there
and I guess you must be the important
me, '
itself on society as a mark of the alleged
that we can protect the purity and diversity of the
after mid-morning, because by early afternoon
Points Bulletin to have Toni Duffer arrested, I can
' the woman informed
m Roseanne Whitebait,
' I ' I object to is a dominant culture that imposes against America. It is only by accepting difference Music frontman rarely visited his art bore friends
ll send out an All
'
everything under control. I
' the Gresham family. What
hammer of the Hansa,
'
against the decadence of the West, that is to say
made his excuses and left. The one time Poxy
ve got
'
we
' the WPC assured her, '
t worry,
' I tried to reassure her.
'
Don
A visitor,
'
ve long considered as vile as that famous
'
which I
will Europe and the Third World be able to unite
introduced us to Guelph and Chibelline, Barge
'
Chibelline told her to shut up, she stabbed them.
' the creature demanded.
Who are you?
'
had nothing to do with the Hanseatic League,
world will recognise their particularity. Only then
accompanied us to the East End in a cab and
15
16
Lewis. While Warhol had his anonymous
were, of course, close associates of Wyndham
assistants, Beuys' neo-Steinerean practice was
s joint work The Waste Land. Both poets
'
Pound
predicated on the juxtaposition of felt and fat, hot
examples of high kitsch is T. S. Eliot and Ezra
and cold, shaman and people, etcetera. This
name. In literature, one of the more notorious
tendency reaches its apogee in the work of
longing, truly is a love that dare not speak its
much. Hornblower assured her fellow spooks that
pussy on me is a pretty cool situation. These days
' Serf asked incredulously.
killing myself?
state, liberalism imposes its domination over the
other than tick. However, it was news to me that
Guelph and Chibelline, whose monumental
'
suck your dick?
collaboration, this double talk, this unfulfilled
t inconvenience us too
'
10am appointment wouldn
fact that various security agencies want to plant
Would you do that? Would you really film me
'
secular religion, rather than a mere adjunct of the
had a hard time selling their pictures on anything
photography upholds a particularly vile form of
why did you let me
Serf and he sank to the floor, '
' organises itself in the form of male artistic
camp
'
this was a mere formality and they hoped that a
never experienced any problems pulling birds, the
Chibelline understood that by making art a
totalitarian art, and I also knew that Toni Duffer
patriarchy with its simultaneous expression and
'
classes of society.
' the agent replied as she released
repressed desire. Since this particular mode of
would have to make a statement in the morning,
ve
'
In that case,
'
a revolutionary and one of the best. Although I
within the far-Right fringe. However, Guelph and
clearly operated within the discourse of
denial of male sexual community. Add to this the
until you were a household name among all the
denies a specifically patriarchal form of partially
the entire incident and said that although Hannah
accused of being a radical, and I admit that I am '
I already had you sussed as a spook!
her head, '
reactionary activities would have been ghettoised
familiar to me, their monumental photography
use of anonymous youth as a symbol of the virile
t be long
'
immortalised for posterity and it wouldn
high kitsch, which simultaneously articulates and
d witnessed
'
t even detain us, they
'
The cops didn
such as Canada and Australia. I have been
' I said while simultaneously patting
Cool it babe,
'
copied the cultural excesses of the Nazi era, their
s work was
'
husbands. Guelph and Chibelline
masses, and the result is the most extreme form
camcorder. That way your death would be
totalitarian discourse, and that is the factor of
Iranians, the American, even colonial countries
and Ben of the London gallery scene merely
the lapsed Catholic writer.
ridding the nationalist movement of hen-pecked
of totalitarian art so far produced within the
the toilets, and I could film the suicide on my
at Serf and proceeded to throttle him.
Now there is another element that is crucial to the
interested in me, the British, the Russians, the
evolving discourse of totalitarian art. Had the Bill
pound bounty the Pope had placed on the head of
which was designed to strengthen patriarchy by
context of a liberal culture.
you could overdose right here in
' Hannah snarled as she sprang
human wreck, '
Shut up! Shut up!
'
the people they investigate and everyone is
its final phase of decline.
monumental photography is situated within the
cousins would be claiming the twenty million
organisation called Cunt Lickers Anonymous,
' I assured the self-pitying
You can son, you can,
'
Hornblower had befriended several faded
'
daring espionage exploits.
agencies specialise in planting sexual partners on
exponents of this tendency as modernism entered
s
'
is to understand how Guelph and Chibelline
were very pleased that one of their American
in organised neo-fascism and ran a sinister
members of the glitterati who hung around the
' Serf shrieked.
I wish I could die!
'
the London School of Design as a cover for his
know who employed her. The intelligence
and Guelph and Chibelline being the leading
opts for the artist. This distinction is crucial if one
high time this twat met a sticky end and they
the Wyndham Lewis pictures, were also involved
Toni Duffer Gallery, all of whom had acquired
s a top CIA man who uses his professorship at
t as yet
'
'
he
'
Hannah was a spook, although I didn
precursors to these trends, with Beuys, Warhol
' while the latter
great man,
embodiment of the '
chums committed sick sexual murders. It was
Chibelline, the artists who were actually faking up
'
t have a clue who you are!
'
working class doesn
Guelph and Chibelline pictures on the never
' Serf explained,
Hornblower works for my daddy,
'
It was, of course, immediately obvious to me that
both pop art and performance were important
former adopts the political orator as its exalted
by with their hands tied as Thursday and his
imbroglio if Hornblower let it slip that Guelph and
the
' Hornblower concurred, '
s right,
'
Luther
'
never. We found the pop singer Bernard Barge in
' Naturally,
European particularism.
defence of '
the capitalist mode of economic organisation, the
Hannah. Besides, they were sick of standing idly
The CIA figured I could be lured into this
' '
novelist since Barbara Cartland.
could do with a bit of oral action.
an overpriced restaurant. Having acquired several
'
must know who I am.
long ago appropriated by the New Right for the
While both fascism and democracy are variants on
had witnessed the talentless novelist molesting
to literary journalism as the most extreme British
s go up to the Gents, I
'
let
' I concurred, '
Okay,
'
Guelph and Chibelline pictures, Barge had a
the working class
invested heavily in this artist.
' Serf cried, '
t be true,
'
That can
'
' was
left
The identity politics of the democratic '
diplomatic incident and everyone in the hotel bar
known to the handful of idiots who pay any heed
organisations.
advisors managing the agency pension fund had
standing invitation to visit their Fournier Street
'
job!
' is ultimately cultural fascism.
post-modernism
'
payroll. The last thing they wanted was a
' I whooped.
single working class subscriber. this is Bill Serf,
' Hannah spat, '
Unfortunately,
'
International Communist Party and other
Wyndham Lewis paintings, because the financial
studios. Bernard wrung the promise of a date out
I want to give you a blow
' Hannah replied, '
Yes,
'
Socialism was a brand of aesthetic politics, so
s '
who knew that Hornblower was on the CIA
t have a
'
middle class trendies, it probably doesn
up the English translations published by the
based operation that was churning out fake
of Hannah in return for introducing her to his
' I put in.
I take it you two know each other,
'
discourse of totalitarian art, and just as National
they were quickly shot by more senior colleagues
The New Statesmen is written and read by
' I observed.
'
wanted to give me,
argument here, so the ignorant will have to chase
happy with the Toni Duffer Gallery, a London
artist chums. As a precaution against the
became necessary for the ruling elite to revive the
still wet behind the ears rushed towards us, but
' the cretin conceded.
re right Hannah!
'
You
On the phone, you said you had something you
'
t room to restate the details of the
'
there isn
work for CIA. American intelligence was less than
possibility of jealousy, Hornblower told the former
'
terrible review in the New Statesman.
Socialism. With the exhaustion of modernism, it
couple of British intelligence operatives who were
Amadeo Bordiga and his followers, in any case
girlfriend in order to get me to do a bit of dirty
pop star that I was her art mad brother. Having
my last book had a
' Serf screeched, '
Yes they do,
'
the back of her hand.
talentless hack Keith Aimless.
masses far more effectively than National
plugged Thursday twice through the head. A
of democracy made by the Italian left-communist
d been assigned to become my
'
revealed that she
demanded as she wiped spunk from her lips with
another was Michael Aimless, the talentless son of
Hannah then pulled a .45 from her handbag and
hooted.
are literate enough to be familiar with the critique
own way. Over a drink or two, Hornblower
' Hornblower
while
Does he look like the footballer?
The Lucifer Couplets,
'
content of his novel
' I
t know who you are,
'
The working class don
'
doctrines. I assume that the bulk of my readers
ll pay their
'
'
your sick sexual kicks!
ve got a career, they
'
that since they
him because of the supposedly blasphemous
' I hissed.
No,
'
they must inevitably adhere to neo-Nazi
Branch protected digs and slice them up to get
of ways, not the least of which is an insistence
'
me and the working class hates me too.
d had a Papal Bull issued against
'
Thursday, who
s output operates within this tradition,
'
Chibelline
Aimless, you take women back to your Special
feminist critique, which manifests itself in all sorts
the middle classes hate
' the suit exclaimed.
' Serf wailed, '
s terrible,
'
It
Not the famous footballer!
'
that one of them was the author Solomon
Cunt Lickers
Anonymous
Stewart Home
2
Single-handedly destroying the hegemonic
I can have whatever I want without any hassle at
'Once the agency knows your cover is blown,
'Sure,' I replied, '
Oh no!
and I'd spare no expense in
these two dickheads were so strapped for cash
the CIA was better funded than its British
Would you like to hear some selections from our
bizarre Calvinist deviation from the European
It looks like your career in the art world has gone
' Whitebait cried as she covered her mouth
phoned up a friend and told him I was sick of
position enjoyed by the dominant culture is a
all. I just moan to a friend about how my love life
they'll simply send someone else after me, better
hiring a top-flight edit suite so that I could turn
that they
kaput,
'd taken to counterfeiting work by the
counterparts and she
with a hand. '
'd be paid overtime for
boxed CD set of Hitler speeches,
This can't be true!'' Guelph
norm. It was a tragedy when the Gresham family
' Hannah spat at Chibelline as Guelph
blondes, what I really wanted was a girl in her
major task and I
enquired.
've dedicated the better part of
is getting a bit jaded, and what I really need is a
the devil you know! Besides, you
dropped down dead.
mid-twenties who'
're a fine looking
the footage into the biggest grossing video
Vorticist Wyndham Lewis. Since art is a bulwark
helping the police with their inquiries. In any
chased the Hanseatic League from Britain,
d enjoyed a traditional
'It fucking well is bitch, so tough shit!' I snapped.
my adult life to this chore. As a consequence, I
bitch.'
release of all time.'
subsequently establishing their Rosicrucian
upbringing in a matriarchal tribe, but had
've
six foot plus Nigerian girlfriend with a doctorate in
of the liberal state, the CIA felt their hands were
case, the special relationship between Britain and
'We
'
'd be delighted,
Oh no!
And if you don'
' Hannah lied.
' the pisshead wailed as he plunged the
t believe me, why don't you come
landed in all sorts of odd situations, and very
communist economics and a successful career as
tied, it would reflect very badly on them if it ever
America was very dear to Hannah's heart, and
Invisible College, and a front operation in the
subsequently got a first class degree in pure
'Do you really think so?
'Wow,' Serf cried, '
' Hannah pouted.
why haven
knife into his own chest. '
't I thought of doing
I wouldn
on in and take a look for yourself. 't have killed
often end up in media watering holes or
a model, and the spooks get it sorted. The
came out that one of their agents had knocked off
she made it clear that she'd do everything in her
While Guelph organised the entertainment,
form of the Royal Society. What we say is no
mathematics. A few hours after I'd made the call,
this before? Let
him if I'
's get to it!'
d been sober, but then I've been drunk for
frequenting parties thrown by the rich and
bastards bug my phone, so I might as well make
'Sure,' I replied, 'the agency has been
Guelph and Chibelline, which is why they wanted
power to assist Five and Six regardless of
Chibelline poured the drinks. A half finished
more brothers wars. The British people have got
Whitebait pushed past me and rushed into the
Hornblower dropped by to say she was
the past thirty years!'
famous, where I munch nouvelle cuisine and quaff
use of this snooping by letting them know what
investigating me for years and it knows my type,
I had a video eight camera in my bag, and aimed
me to do the dirty work.
monetary considerations. Nevertheless, we had
Wyndham Lewis fake was lying on the floor, next
to recognise that ultimately they are of German
studio. She charged over to Chibelline
disappointed I wasn'
's inert bulk
t going to settle down with
very expensive wine at somebody else
good looking and smart!
'That's a job well done! '
other work to do, and once we'
's expense.
type of field agent will interact most successfully
the thing at Serf as he prepared a hot shot. The
d shaken hands
to an English language translation of Hitler
her. However, to show there were no hard 's Mein
extraction, once we are fully reconciled with our
' Hornblower announced as
and pulled the knife from his chest. Then sobbing
I spent some time going through all the angles
On this particular occasion, I found myself in a
with me.
no-hope author whose career was based entirely
with everyone present, nearly all of whom
Kampf. I picked up the drawing and admired the
cousins across the sea, Europe can be Great once
Chibelline snuffed it.
hysterically, the K Foundation Award winner
feelings, she gave me a suitcase filled with used
'I like you!' Hannah bellowed as she threw her
with Hannah, and eventually we agreed that we'd
hotel bar in Bloomsbury, having received a
on hype, connections and marriage, sat in one of
appeared to be intelligence operatives, it was
skilful imitation of the Vorticist style, then handed
again!'
plunged the blade again and again into
notes, it was the entire million pound reward for
Anyway, I led Hannah out of the bar and up to
arms around my neck and kissed me.
keep quiet about the fact that I'd rumbled her
Then the spook pushed me back against the sofa
mysterious phone call from a young woman who
the cubicles and stuck the needle in his vein. He
time to split.
it to Hornblower who gave the sketch the once
Chibelline's lifeless form. Hornblower pulled a
smashing the Wyndham Lewis counterfeit ring.
the John, which was pretty plush. I told the bitch
cover. After all, while I wasn
'Up the Patriarchy!
't interested in doing
' Chibelline yelled.
and pressed her lips against mine. Split-seconds
said she had something she wanted to give me.
'What about me?' Serf snivelled from where he
looked ecstatic as blood bloomed in the dropper.
over before putting it back down on the floor.
mobile from her bag and used the speed dialling
Toni Duffer, the ugly duckling of the art world,
to plate me and she got down on her knee in front
the CIA's dirty work, particularly if I wasn
It doesn'
't going
t take a genius to work out the type of
later, there was a knock on the door. Hannah
was still sprawled on the toilet floor.
Five minutes later he
'
'd passed out. I shut the
Death to Cunt Lickers!' Guelph roared.
function to call up logistical support. Minutes
had been arrested and almost immediately
'Mr. Blissett?' a blonde-bombshell enquired as I
of the urinals. As Hornblower swallowed my dick,
to be paid, I did want to take out Guelph and
audience Guelph and Chibelline attract. The Pinky
We can only do them when we're drunk,'
released her grip on me and staggered up, clearly
cubicle door and reflected that it was no great
later, armed cops kicked in the door. Whitebait
hanged himself in a police cell. Hannah didn't
was ordering a glass of house red at the bar, and
I stood there wondering why there isn
'What about you?' I snarled. '
Chibelline slurred, '
frustrated that we weren'
You'
't a wank
re a sad Oxford
Chibelline who were even more reactionary than
and Perky of conceptual art appealed to the
Wyndham had decent politics
We like very much to be Artists, we like very
t going to get down to
loss that I hadn't had time to buy fresh film
was still plunging the knife into Chibelline
need the philanthropist'
's bloody
s dosh, since she was
once I'd confirmed my identity she continued, '
junkie, so what?'
decadent crowd who
much to be Nazis!
'
' they chanted in unison. '
any serious sexual athletics just yet.
I
d made their money from 'm
rag called something like IQ for guys who get off
the average representative of serious culture. As
but his perception of the world was clearly tinged
Ours
earlier in the day. After all, no one would be
corpse, while Hannah and I cowered behind the
getting twenty million knicker from the Pope.
Hannah Hornblower, we spoke on the phone.
pop and fashion, these are people who'
is an Art of the People, and we are the Great '
on intelligent chicks, after all with the increasing
with insanity. The modernist culture, still unaware
'Don
It' 't,' Serf sobbed, 'that's too close to the truth,
my escort and I were preparing to leave, Solomon
ve always
interested in sordid footage of yet another
s probably the bloody neighbours come to
sofa as the sculptor's bulk was peppered with
segmentation of the market, pornographers seem
Thursday came over and plonked himself down
loved totalitarian chic. The singularly most
of the connectedness of the Aryan peoples and
Leader who will abolish the decadence of abstract
'By the way Blissett,' Hannah laughed as she left,
'What are you drinking?
bullets.
' I enquired.
I am a sad Oxford junkie but it isn
complain about the noise!
't my fault.
miserable little junkie putting an end to his
' Hornblower fumed. 'I
to be catering for every other taste. While I
thinking in terms of left and right, has not
painting, bringing beauty into the lives of ordinary
When I was a child my mother used to tell me she
beside Hornblower.
important component in Guelph and Chibelline
'
's
good luck with Zulinda. You said you wanted a
pathetic life. I had at least done Serf's kids a
should have turned this abysmal Hitler speech off
'The same as you,
Thank God you
babe who'
'
' Hannah simpered.
pondered this, the door to the bog swung open
understood Wyndham's political vision, just as it
men. We unite the Worker, the Peasant and the
ve arrived!' Hornblower hollered
wished she'd had me aborted. I had a terrible
work is the constant repetition of their own
d grown up in a matriarchal tribe and
great favour, they wouldn
'
'
before trying to snog you! t have to grow up with
I am the great Solomon Thursday,
'
' the prat
and in marched the twat who'd been ogling
image. The cult of the personality is, of course,
has not understood Blake. Like Guelph and
Solider, so that they can march happily into the
as she leapt up and threw her arms around a
had a first in pure mathematics, and I'm warning
As we sat down, I clocked some upper class berk
upbringing and when I tried to follow in my
a junkie for a father.
announced as he reached out and grabbed
Hannah in the downstairs bar.
the central element of all totalitarian art. The
myself, both Lewis and Blake offered the British
Great National Socialist Future!
female sharp-shooter. '
you now, she'
'
As Hannah pressed the eject button on the CD,
We came here to visit
s one stroppy cow!'
ogling Hornblower, both this prat and his mates
father's footsteps, I was turned down by the CIA,
Hannah's tits, 'and I want to make passionate
We went back to the bar and this time Hannah
eclipse and re-emergence of this particular
People a regional variation on the Nazi dream of a
there was a second knock on the door. I got up
Guelph and Chibelline. Somewhat later, Roseanne
were dressed up in tweeds, which along their loud
'Who are you?
love to you!' ' this idiot demanded.
they said my drug habit made me unreliable.
Rather than constituting a single a '
'
Great Leader,
Originally published in 1996 as a limited edition '
paid for the wine. This caused me to reflect that
cultural discourse is neither surprising nor difficult
third way beyond capitalism and communism.
and answered the summons, only to be
'
Whitebait dropped by and began ranting about
conversation made it plain to everyone in the
'Fuck off you talentless moron!' Hornblower
I might have imagined these two idiots becoming
pamphlet under the Imprint 93 banner. Stewart
'Luther Blissett,
'Why don'
' I informed the bozo as I shot my
t kill yourself,' I suggested.
going to university tends to have a better effect
to understand. Unfortunately, it is a very common
confronted by a very ugly woman in her
how her friends were mass producing fake
establishment that they were literary types.
screamed as she punched the novelist on the
'Yes, yes,' Guelph chirped excitedly, '
Home also produced '
we
a hydra-headed monster if they hadn'
Will Self Is Stupid 're looking
t been such
' badges
load.
on birds than blokes. Bitches with a degree have
mistake to imagine that because Guelph and
late-thirties, whose long red hair was flying all
Wyndham Lewis paintings and selling them
Taking a second glance at these twits, I realised
nose. 'I know all about you and your chum
forward to a new era when all the People of the
buffoons. Besides, my objection to what they did
as part of Matthew Higgs' Imprint 93.
usually picked up at least the bare bones of a
over the place.
through the Toni Duffer Gallery. When Guelph and
s heart.
'
Guelph
return to the roots. Anglo-American society is a
'
the second sex.
s ingenuity, so I
'
I might as well test the CIA
'
lung castes for you!
he picked up the blade and plunged it into
ve got to do is
'
stupidity years ago. What we
women to have original ideas, they are after all
were, of course, close associates of Wyndham
artists had died, I split. That afternoon, I thought
ll be no more
'
Lickers Anonymous set up. There
' the inebriated twit replied as
s a good idea!
'
That
'
objection about the Hansa, we demolished that
t be so critical, one cannot expect
'
and don
s joint work The Waste Land. Both poets
'
Pound
under which Solomon Thursday and the three
s the end of your sick Cunt
not the hoary old
'
themselves in, so that
' Guelph snapped, '
' Chibelline assured me,
Oh no,
The very same person,
'
examples of high kitsch is T. S. Eliot and Ezra
statements to the cops about the circumstances
lying on the floor at Chibelline.
name. In literature, one of the more notorious
more, Guelph and Chibelline have just done
d made
'
t for me. Therefore, once we
' I said as I kicked a carving knife that was
'
I see a problem here.
'
'
isn
lying, ' I hissed, '
But,
'
result fruitless labour?
longing, truly is a love that dare not speak its s '
What
' I yelled. '
m not a fucking Nazi!
'
Well, I
'
babe, but a long term relationship with a spook
s '
t you try a test to see whether he
'
Why don
'
making plaster castes of rocks and calling the
'
Empire and Religion working hand in hand!
collaboration, this double talk, this unfulfilled
assure you that Hannah Hornblower is one hot
s idea of
'
'
anything about it!
Ross MacDonald and Joseph Campbell
'
immortal!
is wonderfully enhanced by the twin forces of
' organises itself in the form of male artistic
camp
'
s more or less what we did. Let me
t know
'
'
And that
me about their politics because I don
the twit who became famous by appropriating
m
' I
' Guelph exclaimed. '
m not going to die!
' I ' and pure. Thanks to our Art, the Life of the People repressed desire. Since this particular mode of
t bother asking
'
with sculptural subjects, so don
you mean Roseanne Whitebait,
' I put in, '
What,
'
'
Champaign breakfast!
and bring together everything that is beautiful
denies a specifically patriarchal form of partially
Chibelline have been very helpful in providing me
'
you die?
and book a flash hotel room and order a
Chibelline, because we oppose the old hatreds
informed us.
high kitsch, which simultaneously articulates and
autopsy to retrieve my artwork. Guelph and
what am I to do if
' Chibelline howled, '
Guelph,
'
d go
'
bastards are in the money, so if I was you, I
' Guelph
s why we call ourselves Guelph and
'
that
Our friend Whitebait is on her way round,
'
totalitarian discourse, and that is the factor of
concrete and leave it to set, before performing an
market with Wyndham Lewis fakes. You two lucky
'
longer have a career on the gallery circuit!
his feet and raised his right arm in a Nazi salute,
Now there is another element that is crucial to the
the career of Adolf Hitler.
Once these oiks are tripping, I fill their lungs with
evidence to convict and jail the ring flooding the
happen, then the surviving partner would no
' Chibelline screamed, as he jumped to
You see,
'
fame and fortune had remarkable parallels with
its final phase of decline.
LSD before they get various yobs to lick me out.
quid reward for anyone providing the police with
because as far as I can see, if that were to
'
Flags!
were clowns, and encouraged them, their rise to
exponents of this tendency as modernism entered
why I let Guelph and Chibelline lace my cunt with
anonymous philanthropist has put up a million
contingency plans you have if one of you dies,
a Europe of the Peoples, a Europe of a Hundred
Arches. People thought Guelph and Chibelline
and Guelph and Chibelline being the leading
s '
t like the working class. That
'
know is that I don
some
' the WPC whispered, '
By the way,
'
the Hansa. What I want to know is what
a homeland of their own, then we truly can have
music hall classics such as Underneath The
precursors to these trends, with Beuys, Warhol
t know anything about politics, all I
'
artist, I don
has nothing to do with
' I explained, '
My problem,
'
' Hannah concurred.
Yes, yes!
'
the regions blossom and the immigrants return to
tables in pubs and in an inebriated state murder
both pop art and performance were important
m an
' I
' Whitebait retorted. '
How should I know?
activities of our masters.
cosmopolitanism of New York and Hollywood. Let
d get up onto
' Naturally,
'
s who
pair of performance artist
European particularism.
defence of '
' I snarled.
'
Circus!
Do I look like a Nazi?
'
' a
' for the murderous
justification
more rhetorical '
why he was opposed to the rootless
the singing pissheads,
their initial reputation as '
long ago appropriated by the New Right for the
Street, only two minutes walk from Oxford '
coming to visit them sometime this week.
done, institutional culture simply provides one
genius of Adolf Hitler to recognise this, which is
perhaps recall that Guelph and Chibelline made
' was
left
The identity politics of the democratic '
s gallery is in Darling
'
on the floor. I believe Duffer
neo-Nazi leader Guelph and Chibelline said was
superiority of the ruling class. When all is said and
many beautiful cultures in the world. It was the
d be blind drunk. Many of my readers will
' is ultimately cultural fascism.
'
they
post-modernism
'
s a half finished Wyndham Lewis fake
'
see there
and I guess you must be the important
me, '
itself on society as a mark of the alleged
that we can protect the purity and diversity of the
after mid-morning, because by early afternoon
Socialism was a brand of aesthetic politics, so
Points Bulletin to have Toni Duffer arrested, I can
' the woman informed
m Roseanne Whitebait,
' I ' I object to is a dominant culture that imposes against America. It is only by accepting difference Music frontman rarely visited his art bore friends discourse of totalitarian art, and just as National
ll send out an All
'
everything under control. I
' the Gresham family. What
hammer of the Hansa,
'
against the decadence of the West, that is to say
made his excuses and left. The one time Poxy
became necessary for the ruling elite to revive the
ve got
'
we
' the WPC assured her, '
t worry,
' I tried to reassure her.
'
Don
A visitor,
'
ve long considered as vile as that famous
'
which I
will Europe and the Third World be able to unite
introduced us to Guelph and Chibelline, Barge
Socialism. With the exhaustion of modernism, it
'
Chibelline told her to shut up, she stabbed them.
' the creature demanded.
Who are you?
'
had nothing to do with the Hanseatic League,
world will recognise their particularity. Only then
accompanied us to the East End in a cab and
masses far more effectively than National
27
much. Hornblower assured her fellow spooks that
' Serf asked incredulously.
killing myself?
state, liberalism imposes its domination over the
other than tick. However, it was news to me that
'
suck your dick?
t inconvenience us too
'
10am appointment wouldn
Would you do that? Would you really film me
'
secular religion, rather than a mere adjunct of the
had a hard time selling their pictures on anything
why did you let me
Serf and he sank to the floor, '
this was a mere formality and they hoped that a
Chibelline understood that by making art a
totalitarian art, and I also knew that Toni Duffer
'
classes of society.
' the agent replied as she released
In that case,
'
would have to make a statement in the morning,
within the far-Right fringe. However, Guelph and
clearly operated within the discourse of
until you were a household name among all the
the entire incident and said that although Hannah
'
I already had you sussed as a spook!
her head, '
reactionary activities would have been ghettoised
familiar to me, their monumental photography
t be long
'
immortalised for posterity and it wouldn
d witnessed
'
t even detain us, they
'
The cops didn ' I said while simultaneously patting
Cool it babe,
'
copied the cultural excesses of the Nazi era, their
s work was
'
husbands. Guelph and Chibelline
camcorder. That way your death would be
and Ben of the London gallery scene merely
the lapsed Catholic writer.
ridding the nationalist movement of hen-pecked
the toilets, and I could film the suicide on my
at Serf and proceeded to throttle him.
evolving discourse of totalitarian art. Had the Bill
pound bounty the Pope had placed on the head of
which was designed to strengthen patriarchy by
you could overdose right here in
' Hannah snarled as she sprang
human wreck, '
Shut up! Shut up!
'
monumental photography is situated within the
cousins would be claiming the twenty million
organisation called Cunt Lickers Anonymous,
' I assured the self-pitying
You can son, you can,
'
'
daring espionage exploits.
s
'
is to understand how Guelph and Chibelline
were very pleased that one of their American
in organised neo-fascism and ran a sinister
' Serf shrieked.
I wish I could die!
'
the London School of Design as a cover for his
opts for the artist. This distinction is crucial if one
high time this twat met a sticky end and they
the Wyndham Lewis pictures, were also involved
s a top CIA man who uses his professorship at
'
he
'
' while the latter
great man,
embodiment of the '
chums committed sick sexual murders. It was
Chibelline, the artists who were actually faking up
'
t have a clue who you are!
'
working class doesn
' Serf explained,
Hornblower works for my daddy,
'
former adopts the political orator as its exalted
by with their hands tied as Thursday and his
imbroglio if Hornblower let it slip that Guelph and
the
' Hornblower concurred, '
s right,
'
Luther
'
the capitalist mode of economic organisation, the
Hannah. Besides, they were sick of standing idly
The CIA figured I could be lured into this
'
novelist since Barbara Cartland.
'
must know who I am.
While both fascism and democracy are variants on
had witnessed the talentless novelist molesting
to literary journalism as the most extreme British
the working class
invested heavily in this artist.
' Serf cried, '
t be true,
'
That can
'
available to download, print out and share.
diplomatic incident and everyone in the hotel bar
known to the handful of idiots who pay any heed
organisations.
advisors managing the agency pension fund had
DIFFUSION eBooks are designed to be freely
payroll. The last thing they wanted was a
' I whooped.
single working class subscriber. this is Bill Serf,
' Hannah spat, '
Unfortunately,
'
International Communist Party and other
Wyndham Lewis paintings, because the financial
www.diffusion.org.uk
s '
who knew that Hornblower was on the CIA
t have a
'
middle class trendies, it probably doesn
up the English translations published by the
based operation that was churning out fake
' I put in.
I take it you two know each other,
'
they were quickly shot by more senior colleagues
The New Statesmen is written and read by
'
argument here, so the ignorant will have to chase
happy with the Toni Duffer Gallery, a London
created on: Fri Aug 29 22:54:28 2008
still wet behind the ears rushed towards us, but
' the cretin conceded.
re right Hannah!
'
You
'
t room to restate the details of the
'
there isn
work for CIA. American intelligence was less than
'
terrible review in the New Statesman.
couple of British intelligence operatives who were
Stewart Home
Amadeo Bordiga and his followers, in any case
girlfriend in order to get me to do a bit of dirty
my last book had a
' Serf screeched, '
Yes they do,
'
the back of her hand.
plugged Thursday twice through the head. A
Cunt Lickers Anonymous
of democracy made by the Italian left-communist
d been assigned to become my
'
revealed that she
demanded as she wiped spunk from her lips with
Hannah then pulled a .45 from her handbag and
hooted.
are literate enough to be familiar with the critique
own way. Over a drink or two, Hornblower
' Hornblower
Does he look like the footballer?
'
' I
t know who you are,
'
The working class don
'
doctrines. I assume that the bulk of my readers
ll pay their
'
'
your sick sexual kicks!
ve got a career, they
'
that since they
' I hissed.
No,
'
they must inevitably adhere to neo-Nazi
Branch protected digs and slice them up to get
of ways, not the least of which is an insistence
'
me and the working class hates me too.
s output operates within this tradition,
'
Chibelline
Aimless, you take women back to your Special
feminist critique, which manifests itself in all sorts
the middle classes hate
' the suit exclaimed.
' Serf wailed, '
s terrible,
'
It
Not the famous footballer!
'
Single-handedly destroying the hegemonic
pussy on me is a pretty cool situation. These days
position enjoyed by the dominant culture is a
fact that various security agencies want to plant
major task and I've dedicated the better part of
never experienced any problems pulling birds, the
my adult life to this chore. As a consequence, I've
ve
'
a revolutionary and one of the best. Although I
landed in all sorts of odd situations, and very
accused of being a radical, and I admit that I am
often end up in media watering holes or
such as Canada and Australia. I have been
frequenting parties thrown by the rich and
Iranians, the American, even colonial countries
famous, where I munch nouvelle cuisine and quaff
interested in me, the British, the Russians, the
very expensive wine at somebody else's expense.
the people they investigate and everyone is
On this particular occasion, I found myself in a
agencies specialise in planting sexual partners on
hotel bar in Bloomsbury, having received a
know who employed her. The intelligence
mysterious phone call from a young woman who
t as yet
'
Hannah was a spook, although I didn
said she had something she wanted to give me.
It was, of course, immediately obvious to me that
'Mr. Blissett?' a blonde-bombshell enquired as I
'
could do with a bit of oral action.
was ordering a glass of house red at the bar, and
s go up to the Gents, I
'
let
' I concurred, '
Okay,
'
once I'd confirmed my identity she continued, 'I'm
'
job!
Hannah Hornblower, we spoke on the phone.'
I want to give you a blow
' Hannah replied, '
Yes,
'
'What are you drinking?' I enquired.
' I observed.
wanted to give me,
'The same as you,' Hannah simpered.
On the phone, you said you had something you
'
As we sat down, I clocked some upper class berk
talentless hack Keith Aimless.
ogling Hornblower, both this prat and his mates
another was Michael Aimless, the talentless son of
were dressed up in tweeds, which along their loud
while
The Lucifer Couplets,
content of his novel
conversation made it plain to everyone in the
him because of the supposedly blasphemous
establishment that they were literary types.
d had a Papal Bull issued against
'
Thursday, who
Taking a second glance at these twits, I realised
that one of them was the author Solomon
4
3
I can have whatever I want without any hassle at
'Once the agency knows your cover is blown,
'Sure,' I replied, '
Oh no!
and I'd spare no expense in
these two dickheads were so strapped for cash
the CIA was better funded than its British
Lewis. While Warhol had his anonymous
Would you like to hear some selections from our
bizarre Calvinist deviation from the European
It looks like your career in the art world has gone
' Whitebait cried as she covered her mouth
phoned up a friend and told him I was sick of
all. I just moan to a friend about how my love life
they'll simply send someone else after me, better
hiring a top-flight edit suite so that I could turn
that they
kaput,
'd taken to counterfeiting work by the
counterparts and she
assistants, Beuys
with a hand. '
'd be paid overtime for
' neo-Steinerean practice was
boxed CD set of Hitler speeches,
This can't be true!'' Guelph
norm. It was a tragedy when the Gresham family
' Hannah spat at Chibelline as Guelph
blondes, what I really wanted was a girl in her
is getting a bit jaded, and what I really need is a
the devil you know! Besides, you
enquired.
dropped down dead.
mid-twenties who'
're a fine looking
the footage into the biggest grossing video
Vorticist Wyndham Lewis. Since art is a bulwark
helping the police with their inquiries. In any
predicated on the juxtaposition of felt and fat, hot
chased the Hanseatic League from Britain,
d enjoyed a traditional
'It fucking well is bitch, so tough shit!' I snapped.
six foot plus Nigerian girlfriend with a doctorate in
bitch.'
release of all time.'
of the liberal state, the CIA felt their hands were
case, the special relationship between Britain and
and cold, shaman and people, etcetera. This
subsequently establishing their Rosicrucian
upbringing in a matriarchal tribe, but had
'We
'
'd be delighted,
Oh no!
And if you don'
' Hannah lied.
' the pisshead wailed as he plunged the
t believe me, why don't you come
tied, it would reflect very badly on them if it ever
America was very dear to Hannah's heart, and
tendency reaches its apogee in the work of
Invisible College, and a front operation in the
subsequently got a first class degree in pure
'
Cunt Lickers
communist economics and a successful career as
Do you really think so?
Wow,' Serf cried, '
' Hannah pouted.
why haven
knife into his own chest. '
't I thought of doing
I wouldn
on in and take a look for yourself. 't have killed
a model, and the spooks get it sorted. The
came out that one of their agents had knocked off
she made it clear that she'd do everything in her
Guelph and Chibelline, whose monumental
While Guelph organised the entertainment,
form of the Royal Society. What we say is no
mathematics. A few hours after I'd made the call,
this before? Let
him if I'
's get to it!'
d been sober, but then I've been drunk for
'Sure,' I replied, 'the agency has been
Chibelline poured the drinks. A half finished
Whitebait pushed past me and rushed into the
Anonymous
bastards bug my phone, so I might as well make
Guelph and Chibelline, which is why they wanted
power to assist Five and Six regardless of
photography upholds a particularly vile form of
more brothers wars. The British people have got
Hornblower dropped by to say she was
the past thirty years!'
use of this snooping by letting them know what
investigating me for years and it knows my type,
I had a video eight camera in my bag, and aimed
me to do the dirty work.
monetary considerations. Nevertheless, we had
patriarchy with its simultaneous expression and
Wyndham Lewis fake was lying on the floor, next
to recognise that ultimately they are of German
studio. She charged over to Chibelline
disappointed I wasn'
's inert bulk
t going to settle down with
type of field agent will interact most successfully
good looking and smart!
'That's a job well done! '
the thing at Serf as he prepared a hot shot. The
other work to do, and once we'd shaken hands
denial of male sexual community. Add to this the
to an English language translation of Hitler
her. However, to show there were no hard 's Mein
extraction, once we are fully reconciled with our
' Hornblower announced as
and pulled the knife from his chest. Then sobbing
I spent some time going through all the angles
with me.
no-hope author whose career was based entirely
with everyone present, nearly all of whom
use of anonymous youth as a symbol of the virile
Kampf. I picked up the drawing and admired the
cousins across the sea, Europe can be Great once
Chibelline snuffed it.
hysterically, the K Foundation Award winner
feelings, she gave me a suitcase filled with used
'I like you!' Hannah bellowed as she threw her
with Hannah, and eventually we agreed that we'd
on hype, connections and marriage, sat in one of
appeared to be intelligence operatives, it was
masses, and the result is the most extreme form
skilful imitation of the Vorticist style, then handed
again!'
plunged the blade again and again into
notes, it was the entire million pound reward for
Anyway, I led Hannah out of the bar and up to
arms around my neck and kissed me.
keep quiet about the fact that I'd rumbled her
Then the spook pushed me back against the sofa
the cubicles and stuck the needle in his vein. He
time to split.
of totalitarian art so far produced within the
it to Hornblower who gave the sketch the once
Chibelline's lifeless form. Hornblower pulled a
smashing the Wyndham Lewis counterfeit ring.
the John, which was pretty plush. I told the bitch
cover. After all, while I wasn
'Up the Patriarchy!
't interested in doing
' Chibelline yelled.
and pressed her lips against mine. Split-seconds
'What about me?' Serf snivelled from where he
looked ecstatic as blood bloomed in the dropper.
context of a liberal culture.
over before putting it back down on the floor.
mobile from her bag and used the speed dialling
Toni Duffer, the ugly duckling of the art world,
to plate me and she got down on her knee in front
the CIA's dirty work, particularly if I wasn
It doesn'
't going
t take a genius to work out the type of
later, there was a knock on the door. Hannah
was still sprawled on the toilet floor.
Five minutes later he
'
'd passed out. I shut the
Death to Cunt Lickers!' Guelph roared.
function to call up logistical support. Minutes
had been arrested and almost immediately
of the urinals. As Hornblower swallowed my dick,
to be paid, I did want to take out Guelph and
audience Guelph and Chibelline attract. The Pinky
Hornblower had befriended several faded
'We can only do them when we're drunk,'
released her grip on me and staggered up, clearly
cubicle door and reflected that it was no great
later, armed cops kicked in the door. Whitebait
hanged himself in a police cell. Hannah didn't
I stood there wondering why there isn
'What about you?' I snarled. '
Chibelline slurred, '
frustrated that we weren'
You'
't a wank
re a sad Oxford
Chibelline who were even more reactionary than
and Perky of conceptual art appealed to the
members of the glitterati who hung around the
Wyndham had decent politics
We like very much to be Artists, we like very
t going to get down to
loss that I hadn't had time to buy fresh film
was still plunging the knife into Chibelline
need the philanthropist'
's bloody
s dosh, since she was
rag called something like IQ for guys who get off
junkie, so what?'
the average representative of serious culture. As
decadent crowd who
much to be Nazis!
'd made their money from
Toni Duffer Gallery, all of whom had acquired
but his perception of the world was clearly tinged
' they chanted in unison. '
any serious sexual athletics just yet.
Ours
earlier in the day. After all, no one would be
corpse, while Hannah and I cowered behind the
getting twenty million knicker from the Pope.
on intelligent chicks, after all with the increasing
with insanity. The modernist culture, still unaware
is an Art of the People, and we are the Great
'Don
It' 't,' Serf sobbed, 'that's too close to the truth,
my escort and I were preparing to leave, Solomon
pop and fashion, these are people who've always
Guelph and Chibelline pictures on the never
interested in sordid footage of yet another
s probably the bloody neighbours come to
sofa as the sculptor's bulk was peppered with
segmentation of the market, pornographers seem
of the connectedness of the Aryan peoples and
Leader who will abolish the decadence of abstract
I am a sad Oxford junkie but it isn
'By the way Blissett,' Hannah laughed as she left,
complain about the noise!
't my fault.
Thursday came over and plonked himself down
loved totalitarian chic. The singularly most
never. We found the pop singer Bernard Barge in
miserable little junkie putting an end to his
bullets.
' Hornblower fumed. 'I
to be catering for every other taste. While I
thinking in terms of left and right, has not
painting, bringing beauty into the lives of ordinary
When I was a child my mother used to tell me she
beside Hornblower.
important component in Guelph and Chibelline
'
's
an overpriced restaurant. Having acquired several
good luck with Zulinda. You said you wanted a
pathetic life. I had at least done Serf's kids a
should have turned this abysmal Hitler speech off
pondered this, the door to the bog swung open
understood Wyndham
'Thank God you
babe who'
'
's political vision, just as it
men. We unite the Worker, the Peasant and the
ve arrived!' Hornblower hollered
wished she'd had me aborted. I had a terrible
work is the constant repetition of their own
Guelph and Chibelline pictures, Barge had a
d grown up in a matriarchal tribe and
great favour, they wouldn
'
'
before trying to snog you! t have to grow up with
I am the great Solomon Thursday,
'
' the prat
and in marched the twat who'd been ogling
has not understood Blake. Like Guelph and
Solider, so that they can march happily into the
as she leapt up and threw her arms around a
upbringing and when I tried to follow in my
image. The cult of the personality is, of course,
standing invitation to visit their Fournier Street
had a first in pure mathematics, and I'm warning
a junkie for a father.
announced as he reached out and grabbed
Hannah in the downstairs bar.
myself, both Lewis and Blake offered the British
Great National Socialist Future!
female sharp-shooter. '
you now, she'
'
As Hannah pressed the eject button on the CD,
We came here to visit
father's footsteps, I was turned down by the CIA,
the central element of all totalitarian art. The
studios. Bernard wrung the promise of a date out
s one stroppy cow!'
Hannah's tits, 'and I want to make passionate
We went back to the bar and this time Hannah
eclipse and re-emergence of this particular
of Hannah in return for introducing her to his
People a regional variation on the Nazi dream of a
there was a second knock on the door. I got up
Guelph and Chibelline. Somewhat later, Roseanne
'Who are you?
love to you!' ' this idiot demanded.
they said my drug habit made me unreliable.
Rather than constituting a single a '
'
Great Leader,
Originally published in 1996 as a limited edition '
paid for the wine. This caused me to reflect that
cultural discourse is neither surprising nor difficult
artist chums. As a precaution against the
third way beyond capitalism and communism.
and answered the summons, only to be
'
Whitebait dropped by and began ranting about
'Fuck off you talentless moron!' Hornblower
I might have imagined these two idiots becoming
pamphlet under the Imprint 93 banner. Stewart
'Luther Blissett,
'Why don'
' I informed the bozo as I shot my
t kill yourself,' I suggested.
going to university tends to have a better effect
to understand. Unfortunately, it is a very common
possibility of jealousy, Hornblower told the former
confronted by a very ugly woman in her
how her friends were mass producing fake
screamed as she punched the novelist on the
'Yes, yes,' Guelph chirped excitedly, '
Home also produced '
we
a hydra-headed monster if they hadn'
Will Self Is Stupid 're looking
t been such
' badges
load.
on birds than blokes. Bitches with a degree have
mistake to imagine that because Guelph and
pop star that I was her art mad brother. Having
late-thirties, whose long red hair was flying all
Wyndham Lewis paintings and selling them
nose. 'I know all about you and your chum
forward to a new era when all the People of the
buffoons. Besides, my objection to what they did
as part of Matthew Higgs' Imprint 93.
usually picked up at least the bare bones of a
over the place.
through the Toni Duffer Gallery. When Guelph and
s heart.
'
Guelph
return to the roots. Anglo-American society is a
'
the second sex.
'
lung castes for you!
he picked up the blade and plunged it into
ve got to do is
'
stupidity years ago. What we
women to have original ideas, they are after all
were, of course, close associates of Wyndham
ll be no more
'
Lickers Anonymous set up. There
' the inebriated twit replied as
s a good idea!
'
That
'
objection about the Hansa, we demolished that
t be so critical, one cannot expect
'
and don
s joint work The Waste Land. Both poets
'
Pound
s the end of your sick Cunt
not the hoary old
'
themselves in, so that
' Guelph snapped, '
' Chibelline assured me,
Oh no,
The very same person,
'
examples of high kitsch is T. S. Eliot and Ezra
lying on the floor at Chibelline.
name. In literature, one of the more notorious
more, Guelph and Chibelline have just done
' I said as I kicked a carving knife that was
'
I see a problem here.
'
lying, ' I hissed, '
But,
'
result fruitless labour?
longing, truly is a love that dare not speak its s '
What
' I yelled. '
m not a fucking Nazi!
'
Well, I
'
s '
t you try a test to see whether he
'
Why don
'
making plaster castes of rocks and calling the
'
Empire and Religion working hand in hand!
collaboration, this double talk, this unfulfilled
s idea of
'
'
anything about it!
Ross MacDonald and Joseph Campbell
'
immortal!
is wonderfully enhanced by the twin forces of
' organises itself in the form of male artistic
camp
'
t know
'
me about their politics because I don
the twit who became famous by appropriating
m
' I
' Guelph exclaimed. '
m not going to die!
' I ' and pure. Thanks to our Art, the Life of the People repressed desire. Since this particular mode of
t bother asking
'
with sculptural subjects, so don
you mean Roseanne Whitebait,
' I put in, '
What,
'
and bring together everything that is beautiful
denies a specifically patriarchal form of partially
Chibelline have been very helpful in providing me
'
you die?
Chibelline, because we oppose the old hatreds
informed us.
high kitsch, which simultaneously articulates and
autopsy to retrieve my artwork. Guelph and
what am I to do if
' Chibelline howled, '
Guelph,
'
' Guelph
s why we call ourselves Guelph and
'
that
Our friend Whitebait is on her way round,
'
totalitarian discourse, and that is the factor of
concrete and leave it to set, before performing an
'
longer have a career on the gallery circuit!
his feet and raised his right arm in a Nazi salute,
Now there is another element that is crucial to the
the career of Adolf Hitler.
Once these oiks are tripping, I fill their lungs with
happen, then the surviving partner would no
' Chibelline screamed, as he jumped to
You see,
'
fame and fortune had remarkable parallels with
its final phase of decline.
LSD before they get various yobs to lick me out.
because as far as I can see, if that were to
'
Flags!
were clowns, and encouraged them, their rise to
exponents of this tendency as modernism entered
why I let Guelph and Chibelline lace my cunt with
contingency plans you have if one of you dies,
a Europe of the Peoples, a Europe of a Hundred
Arches. People thought Guelph and Chibelline
and Guelph and Chibelline being the leading
s '
t like the working class. That
'
know is that I don
the Hansa. What I want to know is what
a homeland of their own, then we truly can have
music hall classics such as Underneath The
precursors to these trends, with Beuys, Warhol
t know anything about politics, all I
'
artist, I don
has nothing to do with
' I explained, '
My problem,
'
the regions blossom and the immigrants return to
tables in pubs and in an inebriated state murder
both pop art and performance were important
m an
' I
' Whitebait retorted. '
How should I know?
'
activities of our masters.
cosmopolitanism of New York and Hollywood. Let
d get up onto
' Naturally,
'
s who
pair of performance artist
European particularism.
defence of '
' I snarled.
Do I look like a Nazi?
'
' a
' for the murderous
justification
more rhetorical '
why he was opposed to the rootless
the singing pissheads,
their initial reputation as '
long ago appropriated by the New Right for the
'
coming to visit them sometime this week.
done, institutional culture simply provides one
genius of Adolf Hitler to recognise this, which is
perhaps recall that Guelph and Chibelline made
' was
left
The identity politics of the democratic '
neo-Nazi leader Guelph and Chibelline said was
superiority of the ruling class. When all is said and
many beautiful cultures in the world. It was the
d be blind drunk. Many of my readers will
' is ultimately cultural fascism.
'
they
post-modernism
'
and I guess you must be the important
me, '
itself on society as a mark of the alleged
that we can protect the purity and diversity of the
after mid-morning, because by early afternoon
Socialism was a brand of aesthetic politics, so
' the woman informed
m Roseanne Whitebait,
' I ' I object to is a dominant culture that imposes against America. It is only by accepting difference Music frontman rarely visited his art bore friends discourse of totalitarian art, and just as National
' the Gresham family. What
hammer of the Hansa,
'
against the decadence of the West, that is to say
made his excuses and left. The one time Poxy
became necessary for the ruling elite to revive the
' I tried to reassure her.
A visitor,
'
ve long considered as vile as that famous
'
which I
will Europe and the Third World be able to unite
introduced us to Guelph and Chibelline, Barge
Socialism. With the exhaustion of modernism, it
' the creature demanded.
Who are you?
'
had nothing to do with the Hanseatic League,
world will recognise their particularity. Only then
accompanied us to the East End in a cab and
masses far more effectively than National
25
26
phoned up a friend and told him I was sick of
s ingenuity, so I
'
I might as well test the CIA
blondes, what I really wanted was a girl in her
artists had died, I split. That afternoon, I thought
mid-twenties who'd enjoyed a traditional
under which Solomon Thursday and the three
upbringing in a matriarchal tribe, but had
statements to the cops about the circumstances
subsequently got a first class degree in pure
d made
'
t for me. Therefore, once we
'
isn
much. Hornblower assured her fellow spooks that
pussy on me is a pretty cool situation. These days
' Serf asked incredulously.
killing myself?
state, liberalism imposes its domination over the
other than tick. However, it was news to me that
mathematics. A few hours after I'd made the call,
babe, but a long term relationship with a spook
t inconvenience us too
'
10am appointment wouldn
fact that various security agencies want to plant
Would you do that? Would you really film me
'
secular religion, rather than a mere adjunct of the
had a hard time selling their pictures on anything
Hornblower dropped by to say she was
assure you that Hannah Hornblower is one hot
this was a mere formality and they hoped that a
never experienced any problems pulling birds, the
Chibelline understood that by making art a
totalitarian art, and I also knew that Toni Duffer
disappointed I wasn't going to settle down with
s more or less what we did. Let me
'
And that
'
classes of society.
would have to make a statement in the morning,
ve
'
a revolutionary and one of the best. Although I
within the far-Right fringe. However, Guelph and
clearly operated within the discourse of
her. However, to show there were no hard
until you were a household name among all the
'
Champaign breakfast!
the entire incident and said that although Hannah
accused of being a radical, and I admit that I am
reactionary activities would have been ghettoised
familiar to me, their monumental photography
feelings, she gave me a suitcase filled with used
t be long
'
immortalised for posterity and it wouldn
and book a flash hotel room and order a
d witnessed
'
t even detain us, they
'
The cops didn
such as Canada and Australia. I have been
copied the cultural excesses of the Nazi era, their
s work was
'
husbands. Guelph and Chibelline
notes, it was the entire million pound reward for
camcorder. That way your death would be
d go
'
bastards are in the money, so if I was you, I
Iranians, the American, even colonial countries
and Ben of the London gallery scene merely
the lapsed Catholic writer.
ridding the nationalist movement of hen-pecked
smashing the Wyndham Lewis counterfeit ring.
the toilets, and I could film the suicide on my
market with Wyndham Lewis fakes. You two lucky
interested in me, the British, the Russians, the
evolving discourse of totalitarian art. Had the Bill
pound bounty the Pope had placed on the head of
which was designed to strengthen patriarchy by
Toni Duffer, the ugly duckling of the art world,
you could overdose right here in
human wreck, '
evidence to convict and jail the ring flooding the
the people they investigate and everyone is
monumental photography is situated within the
cousins would be claiming the twenty million
organisation called Cunt Lickers Anonymous,
had been arrested and almost immediately
' I assured the self-pitying
You can son, you can,
'
quid reward for anyone providing the police with
agencies specialise in planting sexual partners on
s
'
is to understand how Guelph and Chibelline
were very pleased that one of their American
in organised neo-fascism and ran a sinister
hanged himself in a police cell. Hannah didn't
anonymous philanthropist has put up a million
' Serf shrieked.
I wish I could die!
'
know who employed her. The intelligence
opts for the artist. This distinction is crucial if one
high time this twat met a sticky end and they
the Wyndham Lewis pictures, were also involved
need the philanthropist's dosh, since she was
some
' the WPC whispered, '
By the way,
'
t as yet
'
Hannah was a spook, although I didn
' while the latter
great man,
embodiment of the '
chums committed sick sexual murders. It was
Chibelline, the artists who were actually faking up
getting twenty million knicker from the Pope.
'
t have a clue who you are!
'
working class doesn
It was, of course, immediately obvious to me that
' Hannah concurred.
Yes, yes!
'
former adopts the political orator as its exalted
by with their hands tied as Thursday and his
imbroglio if Hornblower let it slip that Guelph and
the
' Hornblower concurred, '
s right,
'
Luther
'
'By the way Blissett,' Hannah laughed as she left,
the capitalist mode of economic organisation, the
Hannah. Besides, they were sick of standing idly
The CIA figured I could be lured into this
'
could do with a bit of oral action.
'good luck with Zulinda. You said you wanted a
'
Circus!
'
must know who I am.
While both fascism and democracy are variants on
had witnessed the talentless novelist molesting
s go up to the Gents, I
'
let
' I concurred, '
Okay,
'
babe who'd grown up in a matriarchal tribe and
Street, only two minutes walk from Oxford
the working class
invested heavily in this artist.
' Serf cried, '
t be true,
'
That can
'
diplomatic incident and everyone in the hotel bar
had a first in pure mathematics, and I'm warning
s gallery is in Darling
'
on the floor. I believe Duffer
organisations.
advisors managing the agency pension fund had
'
job!
payroll. The last thing they wanted was a
' I whooped.
single working class subscriber.
you now, she's one stroppy cow!'
s a half finished Wyndham Lewis fake
'
see there
International Communist Party and other
Wyndham Lewis paintings, because the financial
I want to give you a blow
' Hannah replied, '
Yes,
'
s '
who knew that Hornblower was on the CIA
t have a
'
middle class trendies, it probably doesn
Points Bulletin to have Toni Duffer arrested, I can
up the English translations published by the
based operation that was churning out fake
Originally published in 1996 as a limited edition
they were quickly shot by more senior colleagues
The New Statesmen is written and read by
' I observed.
'
wanted to give me,
ll send out an All
'
everything under control. I
argument here, so the ignorant will have to chase
happy with the Toni Duffer Gallery, a London
pamphlet under the Imprint 93 banner. Stewart
still wet behind the ears rushed towards us, but
On the phone, you said you had something you
'
ve got
'
we
' the WPC assured her, '
t worry,
'
Don
'
t room to restate the details of the
'
there isn
work for CIA. American intelligence was less than
'
terrible review in the New Statesman.
Home also produced 'Will Self Is Stupid' badges
couple of British intelligence operatives who were
Amadeo Bordiga and his followers, in any case
girlfriend in order to get me to do a bit of dirty
my last book had a
' Serf screeched, '
Yes they do,
'
talentless hack Keith Aimless.
as part of Matthew Higgs' Imprint 93.
'
Chibelline told her to shut up, she stabbed them.
plugged Thursday twice through the head. A
of democracy made by the Italian left-communist
d been assigned to become my
'
revealed that she
another was Michael Aimless, the talentless son of
Hannah then pulled a .45 from her handbag and
hooted.
are literate enough to be familiar with the critique
own way. Over a drink or two, Hornblower while
The Lucifer Couplets,
content of his novel
' I
t know who you are,
'
The working class don
'
doctrines. I assume that the bulk of my readers
ll pay their
'
'
your sick sexual kicks!
ve got a career, they
'
that since they
him because of the supposedly blasphemous
they must inevitably adhere to neo-Nazi
Branch protected digs and slice them up to get
of ways, not the least of which is an insistence
'
me and the working class hates me too.
d had a Papal Bull issued against
'
Thursday, who
s output operates within this tradition,
'
Chibelline
Aimless, you take women back to your Special
feminist critique, which manifests itself in all sorts
the middle classes hate
' Serf wailed, '
s terrible,
'
It
'
that one of them was the author Solomon
I can have whatever I want without any hassle at
'
suck your dick?
all. I just moan to a friend about how my love life
why did you let me
Serf and he sank to the floor, '
is getting a bit jaded, and what I really need is a
' the agent replied as she released
In that case,
'
six foot plus Nigerian girlfriend with a doctorate in
communist economics and a successful career as
'
I already had you sussed as a spook!
her head, '
a model, and the spooks get it sorted. The
' I said while simultaneously patting
Cool it babe,
'
bastards bug my phone, so I might as well make
at Serf and proceeded to throttle him.
use of this snooping by letting them know what
' Hannah snarled as she sprang
Shut up! Shut up!
'
type of field agent will interact most successfully
with me.
'
daring espionage exploits.
the London School of Design as a cover for his
Anyway, I led Hannah out of the bar and up to
s a top CIA man who uses his professorship at
'
he
'
the John, which was pretty plush. I told the bitch
' Serf explained,
Hornblower works for my daddy,
'
to plate me and she got down on her knee in front
of the urinals. As Hornblower swallowed my dick,
'
novelist since Barbara Cartland.
I stood there wondering why there isn't a wank
to literary journalism as the most extreme British
rag called something like IQ for guys who get off
known to the handful of idiots who pay any heed
on intelligent chicks, after all with the increasing
this is Bill Serf,
' Hannah spat, '
Unfortunately,
'
segmentation of the market, pornographers seem
' I put in.
I take it you two know each other,
'
to be catering for every other taste. While I
pondered this, the door to the bog swung open
' the cretin conceded.
re right Hannah!
'
You
'
and in marched the twat who'd been ogling
the back of her hand.
Hannah in the downstairs bar.
demanded as she wiped spunk from her lips with
'Who are you?' this idiot demanded.
' Hornblower
Does he look like the footballer?
'
'Luther Blissett,' I informed the bozo as I shot my
' I hissed.
No,
'
load.
' the suit exclaimed.
Not the famous footballer!
'
6
5
Single-handedly destroying the hegemonic
'Once the agency knows your cover is blown,
'Sure,' I replied, '
Oh no!
and I'd spare no expense in
these two dickheads were so strapped for cash
the CIA was better funded than its British
Lewis. While Warhol had his anonymous
Would you like to hear some selections from our
bizarre Calvinist deviation from the European
It looks like your career in the art world has gone
' Whitebait cried as she covered her mouth
position enjoyed by the dominant culture is a
they'll simply send someone else after me, better
hiring a top-flight edit suite so that I could turn
that they
kaput,
'd taken to counterfeiting work by the
counterparts and she
assistants, Beuys
with a hand. '
'd be paid overtime for
' neo-Steinerean practice was
boxed CD set of Hitler speeches,
This can't be true!'' Guelph
norm. It was a tragedy when the Gresham family
' Hannah spat at Chibelline as Guelph
major task and I
enquired.
've dedicated the better part of
the devil you know! Besides, you
dropped down dead.
're a fine looking
the footage into the biggest grossing video
Vorticist Wyndham Lewis. Since art is a bulwark
helping the police with their inquiries. In any
predicated on the juxtaposition of felt and fat, hot
chased the Hanseatic League from Britain,
'It fucking well is bitch, so tough shit!' I snapped.
my adult life to this chore. As a consequence, I
bitch.'
release of all time.'
and cold, shaman and people, etcetera. This
subsequently establishing their Rosicrucian
've
of the liberal state, the CIA felt their hands were
case, the special relationship between Britain and
'We
'
'd be delighted,
Oh no!
And if you don'
' Hannah lied.
' the pisshead wailed as he plunged the
t believe me, why don't you come
tied, it would reflect very badly on them if it ever
America was very dear to Hannah's heart, and
tendency reaches its apogee in the work of
Invisible College, and a front operation in the
'
Cunt Lickers
landed in all sorts of odd situations, and very
Do you really think so?
Wow,' Serf cried, '
' Hannah pouted.
why haven
knife into his own chest. '
't I thought of doing
I wouldn
on in and take a look for yourself. 't have killed
often end up in media watering holes or
came out that one of their agents had knocked off
she made it clear that she'd do everything in her
Guelph and Chibelline, whose monumental
While Guelph organised the entertainment,
form of the Royal Society. What we say is no
this before? Let
him if I'
's get to it!'
d been sober, but then I've been drunk for
'Sure,' I replied, 'the agency has been
Chibelline poured the drinks. A half finished
Whitebait pushed past me and rushed into the
Anonymous
frequenting parties thrown by the rich and
Guelph and Chibelline, which is why they wanted
power to assist Five and Six regardless of
photography upholds a particularly vile form of
more brothers wars. The British people have got
the past thirty years!'
famous, where I munch nouvelle cuisine and quaff
investigating me for years and it knows my type,
I had a video eight camera in my bag, and aimed
me to do the dirty work.
monetary considerations. Nevertheless, we had
patriarchy with its simultaneous expression and
Wyndham Lewis fake was lying on the floor, next
to recognise that ultimately they are of German
studio. She charged over to Chibelline's inert bulk
very expensive wine at somebody else
good looking and smart!
'That's a job well done! '
other work to do, and once we'
's expense.
the thing at Serf as he prepared a hot shot. The
d shaken hands
denial of male sexual community. Add to this the
to an English language translation of Hitler's Mein
extraction, once we are fully reconciled with our
' Hornblower announced as
and pulled the knife from his chest. Then sobbing
I spent some time going through all the angles
On this particular occasion, I found myself in a
no-hope author whose career was based entirely
with everyone present, nearly all of whom
use of anonymous youth as a symbol of the virile
Kampf. I picked up the drawing and admired the
cousins across the sea, Europe can be Great once
Chibelline snuffed it.
hysterically, the K Foundation Award winner
'I like you!' Hannah bellowed as she threw her
with Hannah, and eventually we agreed that we'd
hotel bar in Bloomsbury, having received a
on hype, connections and marriage, sat in one of
appeared to be intelligence operatives, it was
masses, and the result is the most extreme form
skilful imitation of the Vorticist style, then handed
again!'
plunged the blade again and again into
arms around my neck and kissed me.
keep quiet about the fact that I'd rumbled her
Then the spook pushed me back against the sofa
mysterious phone call from a young woman who
the cubicles and stuck the needle in his vein. He
time to split.
of totalitarian art so far produced within the
it to Hornblower who gave the sketch the once
Chibelline's lifeless form. Hornblower pulled a
cover. After all, while I wasn
'Up the Patriarchy!
't interested in doing
' Chibelline yelled.
and pressed her lips against mine. Split-seconds
said she had something she wanted to give me.
'What about me?' Serf snivelled from where he
looked ecstatic as blood bloomed in the dropper.
context of a liberal culture.
over before putting it back down on the floor.
mobile from her bag and used the speed dialling
the CIA's dirty work, particularly if I wasn
It doesn'
't going
t take a genius to work out the type of
later, there was a knock on the door. Hannah
was still sprawled on the toilet floor.
Five minutes later he
'
'd passed out. I shut the
Death to Cunt Lickers!' Guelph roared.
function to call up logistical support. Minutes
'Mr. Blissett?' a blonde-bombshell enquired as I
to be paid, I did want to take out Guelph and
audience Guelph and Chibelline attract. The Pinky
Hornblower had befriended several faded
We can only do them when we're drunk,'
released her grip on me and staggered up, clearly
cubicle door and reflected that it was no great
later, armed cops kicked in the door. Whitebait
was ordering a glass of house red at the bar, and
'What about you?' I snarled. '
Chibelline slurred, '
frustrated that we weren'
You're a sad Oxford
Chibelline who were even more reactionary than
and Perky of conceptual art appealed to the
members of the glitterati who hung around the
Wyndham had decent politics
We like very much to be Artists, we like very
t going to get down to
loss that I hadn't had time to buy fresh film
was still plunging the knife into Chibelline's bloody
once I'd confirmed my identity she continued, '
junkie, so what?'
decadent crowd who
much to be Nazis!
'
Toni Duffer Gallery, all of whom had acquired
' they chanted in unison. '
any serious sexual athletics just yet.
I
d made their money from 'm
the average representative of serious culture. As
but his perception of the world was clearly tinged
Ours
earlier in the day. After all, no one would be
corpse, while Hannah and I cowered behind the
Hannah Hornblower, we spoke on the phone.
pop and fashion, these are people who'
Guelph and Chibelline pictures on the never
is an Art of the People, and we are the Great '
with insanity. The modernist culture, still unaware
'Don
It' 't,' Serf sobbed, 'that's too close to the truth,
my escort and I were preparing to leave, Solomon
ve always
interested in sordid footage of yet another
s probably the bloody neighbours come to
sofa as the sculptor's bulk was peppered with
Thursday came over and plonked himself down
loved totalitarian chic. The singularly most
never. We found the pop singer Bernard Barge in
of the connectedness of the Aryan peoples and
Leader who will abolish the decadence of abstract
'What are you drinking?
bullets.
' I enquired.
I am a sad Oxford junkie but it isn
complain about the noise!
't my fault.
miserable little junkie putting an end to his
' Hornblower fumed. 'I
thinking in terms of left and right, has not
painting, bringing beauty into the lives of ordinary
When I was a child my mother used to tell me she
beside Hornblower.
important component in Guelph and Chibelline's
an overpriced restaurant. Having acquired several
pathetic life. I had at least done Serf's kids a
should have turned this abysmal Hitler speech off
'The same as you,
Thank God you'
' Hannah simpered.
understood Wyndham's political vision, just as it
men. We unite the Worker, the Peasant and the
ve arrived!' Hornblower hollered
wished she'd had me aborted. I had a terrible
work is the constant repetition of their own
Guelph and Chibelline pictures, Barge had a
great favour, they wouldn
'
'
before trying to snog you! t have to grow up with
I am the great Solomon Thursday,
'
' the prat
image. The cult of the personality is, of course,
standing invitation to visit their Fournier Street
has not understood Blake. Like Guelph and
Solider, so that they can march happily into the
as she leapt up and threw her arms around a
As we sat down, I clocked some upper class berk
upbringing and when I tried to follow in my
a junkie for a father.
announced as he reached out and grabbed
the central element of all totalitarian art. The
studios. Bernard wrung the promise of a date out
myself, both Lewis and Blake offered the British
Great National Socialist Future!
female sharp-shooter. '
'
As Hannah pressed the eject button on the CD,
We came here to visit
ogling Hornblower, both this prat and his mates
father's footsteps, I was turned down by the CIA,
Hannah's tits, 'and I want to make passionate
We went back to the bar and this time Hannah
eclipse and re-emergence of this particular
of Hannah in return for introducing her to his
People a regional variation on the Nazi dream of a
there was a second knock on the door. I got up
Guelph and Chibelline. Somewhat later, Roseanne
were dressed up in tweeds, which along their loud
they said my drug habit made me unreliable.
Rather than constituting a single a '
'
love to you!'
Great Leader,'
paid for the wine. This caused me to reflect that
cultural discourse is neither surprising nor difficult
artist chums. As a precaution against the
third way beyond capitalism and communism.
and answered the summons, only to be
'
Whitebait dropped by and began ranting about
conversation made it plain to everyone in the
I might have imagined these two idiots becoming
'Why don
'
't kill yourself,' I suggested.
Fuck off you talentless moron!' Hornblower
going to university tends to have a better effect
to understand. Unfortunately, it is a very common
possibility of jealousy, Hornblower told the former
confronted by a very ugly woman in her
how her friends were mass producing fake
establishment that they were literary types.
screamed as she punched the novelist on the
'Yes, yes,' Guelph chirped excitedly, 'we
a hydra-headed monster if they hadn'
're looking
t been such
on birds than blokes. Bitches with a degree have
mistake to imagine that because Guelph and
pop star that I was her art mad brother. Having
late-thirties, whose long red hair was flying all
Wyndham Lewis paintings and selling them
Taking a second glance at these twits, I realised
nose. 'I know all about you and your chum
forward to a new era when all the People of the
buffoons. Besides, my objection to what they did
usually picked up at least the bare bones of a
over the place.
through the Toni Duffer Gallery. When Guelph and
s heart.
'
Guelph
return to the roots. Anglo-American society is a
'
the second sex.
s ingenuity, so I
'
I might as well test the CIA
he picked up the blade and plunged it into
ve got to do is
'
stupidity years ago. What we
women to have original ideas, they are after all
were, of course, close associates of Wyndham
artists had died, I split. That afternoon, I thought
' the inebriated twit replied as
s a good idea!
'
That
'
objection about the Hansa, we demolished that
t be so critical, one cannot expect
'
and don
s joint work The Waste Land. Both poets
'
Pound
under which Solomon Thursday and the three
not the hoary old
' Guelph snapped, '
' Chibelline assured me,
Oh no,
The very same person,
'
examples of high kitsch is T. S. Eliot and Ezra
statements to the cops about the circumstances
lying on the floor at Chibelline.
name. In literature, one of the more notorious
d made
'
t for me. Therefore, once we
' I said as I kicked a carving knife that was
'
I see a problem here.
'
'
isn
lying, ' I hissed, '
But,
'
result fruitless labour?
longing, truly is a love that dare not speak its
babe, but a long term relationship with a spook
s '
t you try a test to see whether he
'
Why don
'
making plaster castes of rocks and calling the
'
Empire and Religion working hand in hand!
collaboration, this double talk, this unfulfilled
assure you that Hannah Hornblower is one hot
s idea of
'
Ross MacDonald and Joseph Campbell
'
immortal!
is wonderfully enhanced by the twin forces of
' organises itself in the form of male artistic
camp
'
s more or less what we did. Let me
'
And that
the twit who became famous by appropriating
m
' I
' Guelph exclaimed. '
m not going to die!
' I ' and pure. Thanks to our Art, the Life of the People repressed desire. Since this particular mode of
you mean Roseanne Whitebait,
' I put in, '
What,
'
'
Champaign breakfast!
and bring together everything that is beautiful
denies a specifically patriarchal form of partially
'
you die?
and book a flash hotel room and order a
Chibelline, because we oppose the old hatreds
informed us.
high kitsch, which simultaneously articulates and
what am I to do if
' Chibelline howled, '
Guelph,
'
d go
'
bastards are in the money, so if I was you, I
' Guelph
s why we call ourselves Guelph and
'
that
Our friend Whitebait is on her way round,
'
totalitarian discourse, and that is the factor of
market with Wyndham Lewis fakes. You two lucky
'
longer have a career on the gallery circuit!
his feet and raised his right arm in a Nazi salute,
Now there is another element that is crucial to the
the career of Adolf Hitler.
evidence to convict and jail the ring flooding the
happen, then the surviving partner would no
' Chibelline screamed, as he jumped to
You see,
'
fame and fortune had remarkable parallels with
its final phase of decline.
quid reward for anyone providing the police with
because as far as I can see, if that were to
'
Flags!
were clowns, and encouraged them, their rise to
exponents of this tendency as modernism entered
anonymous philanthropist has put up a million
contingency plans you have if one of you dies,
a Europe of the Peoples, a Europe of a Hundred
Arches. People thought Guelph and Chibelline
and Guelph and Chibelline being the leading
some
' the WPC whispered, '
By the way,
'
the Hansa. What I want to know is what
a homeland of their own, then we truly can have
music hall classics such as Underneath The
precursors to these trends, with Beuys, Warhol
has nothing to do with
' I explained, '
My problem,
'
' Hannah concurred.
Yes, yes!
'
the regions blossom and the immigrants return to
tables in pubs and in an inebriated state murder
both pop art and performance were important
activities of our masters.
cosmopolitanism of New York and Hollywood. Let
d get up onto
' Naturally,
'
s who
pair of performance artist
European particularism.
defence of '
'
Circus!
' a
' for the murderous
justification
more rhetorical '
why he was opposed to the rootless
the singing pissheads,
their initial reputation as '
long ago appropriated by the New Right for the
Street, only two minutes walk from Oxford
done, institutional culture simply provides one
genius of Adolf Hitler to recognise this, which is
perhaps recall that Guelph and Chibelline made
' was
left
The identity politics of the democratic '
s gallery is in Darling
'
on the floor. I believe Duffer
superiority of the ruling class. When all is said and
many beautiful cultures in the world. It was the
d be blind drunk. Many of my readers will
' is ultimately cultural fascism.
'
they
post-modernism
'
s a half finished Wyndham Lewis fake
'
see there
itself on society as a mark of the alleged
that we can protect the purity and diversity of the
after mid-morning, because by early afternoon
Socialism was a brand of aesthetic politics, so
Points Bulletin to have Toni Duffer arrested, I can
I object to is a dominant culture that imposes
against America. It is only by accepting difference
Music frontman rarely visited his art bore friends
discourse of totalitarian art, and just as National
ll send out an All
'
everything under control. I
' the Gresham family. What
hammer of the Hansa,
'
against the decadence of the West, that is to say
made his excuses and left. The one time Poxy
became necessary for the ruling elite to revive the
ve got
'
we
' the WPC assured her, '
t worry,
'
Don
'
ve long considered as vile as that famous
'
which I
will Europe and the Third World be able to unite
introduced us to Guelph and Chibelline, Barge
Socialism. With the exhaustion of modernism, it
'
Chibelline told her to shut up, she stabbed them.
had nothing to do with the Hanseatic League,
world will recognise their particularity. Only then
accompanied us to the East End in a cab and
masses far more effectively than National
23
24
'Oh no!' Whitebait cried as she covered her mouth
'
lung castes for you!
with a hand. 'This can't be true!'
ll be no more
'
Lickers Anonymous set up. There
'It fucking well is bitch, so tough shit!' I snapped.
s the end of your sick Cunt
'
themselves in, so that
'And if you don't believe me, why don't you come
more, Guelph and Chibelline have just done
on in and take a look for yourself.'
much. Hornblower assured her fellow spooks that
s '
What
' I yelled. '
m not a fucking Nazi!
'
Well, I
'
pussy on me is a pretty cool situation. These days
state, liberalism imposes its domination over the
other than tick. However, it was news to me that
'
suck your dick?
t inconvenience us too
'
10am appointment wouldn
fact that various security agencies want to plant
Whitebait pushed past me and rushed into the
secular religion, rather than a mere adjunct of the
had a hard time selling their pictures on anything
'
anything about it!
why did you let me
Serf and he sank to the floor, '
this was a mere formality and they hoped that a
never experienced any problems pulling birds, the
studio. She charged over to Chibelline's inert bulk
Chibelline understood that by making art a
totalitarian art, and I also knew that Toni Duffer
t know
'
me about their politics because I don
' the agent replied as she released
would have to make a statement in the morning,
ve
'
In that case,
'
a revolutionary and one of the best. Although I
and pulled the knife from his chest. Then sobbing
within the far-Right fringe. However, Guelph and
clearly operated within the discourse of
t bother asking
'
with sculptural subjects, so don
the entire incident and said that although Hannah
accused of being a radical, and I admit that I am '
I already had you sussed as a spook!
her head, '
hysterically, the K Foundation Award winner
reactionary activities would have been ghettoised
familiar to me, their monumental photography
Chibelline have been very helpful in providing me
d witnessed
'
t even detain us, they
'
The cops didn
such as Canada and Australia. I have been
' I said while simultaneously patting
Cool it babe,
'
plunged the blade again and again into
copied the cultural excesses of the Nazi era, their
s work was
'
husbands. Guelph and Chibelline
autopsy to retrieve my artwork. Guelph and
Iranians, the American, even colonial countries
Chibelline's lifeless form. Hornblower pulled a
and Ben of the London gallery scene merely
the lapsed Catholic writer.
ridding the nationalist movement of hen-pecked
concrete and leave it to set, before performing an
at Serf and proceeded to throttle him.
interested in me, the British, the Russians, the
mobile from her bag and used the speed dialling
evolving discourse of totalitarian art. Had the Bill
pound bounty the Pope had placed on the head of
which was designed to strengthen patriarchy by
Once these oiks are tripping, I fill their lungs with
' Hannah snarled as she sprang
Shut up! Shut up!
'
the people they investigate and everyone is
function to call up logistical support. Minutes
monumental photography is situated within the
cousins would be claiming the twenty million
organisation called Cunt Lickers Anonymous,
LSD before they get various yobs to lick me out.
'
daring espionage exploits.
agencies specialise in planting sexual partners on
later, armed cops kicked in the door. Whitebait
s
'
is to understand how Guelph and Chibelline
were very pleased that one of their American
in organised neo-fascism and ran a sinister
why I let Guelph and Chibelline lace my cunt with
the London School of Design as a cover for his
know who employed her. The intelligence
was still plunging the knife into Chibelline's bloody
opts for the artist. This distinction is crucial if one
high time this twat met a sticky end and they
the Wyndham Lewis pictures, were also involved
s '
t like the working class. That
'
know is that I don
s a top CIA man who uses his professorship at
t as yet
'
'
he
'
Hannah was a spook, although I didn
corpse, while Hannah and I cowered behind the
' while the latter
great man,
embodiment of the '
chums committed sick sexual murders. It was
Chibelline, the artists who were actually faking up
t know anything about politics, all I
'
artist, I don
' Serf explained,
Hornblower works for my daddy,
'
It was, of course, immediately obvious to me that
sofa as the sculptor's bulk was peppered with
former adopts the political orator as its exalted
by with their hands tied as Thursday and his
imbroglio if Hornblower let it slip that Guelph and
m an
' I
' Whitebait retorted. '
How should I know?
'
bullets.
the capitalist mode of economic organisation, the
Hannah. Besides, they were sick of standing idly
The CIA figured I could be lured into this
' '
novelist since Barbara Cartland.
could do with a bit of oral action.
' I snarled.
Do I look like a Nazi?
'
While both fascism and democracy are variants on
had witnessed the talentless novelist molesting
to literary journalism as the most extreme British
s go up to the Gents, I
'
let
' I concurred, '
Okay,
'
'Thank God you've arrived!' Hornblower hollered
invested heavily in this artist.
'
coming to visit them sometime this week.
diplomatic incident and everyone in the hotel bar
known to the handful of idiots who pay any heed
as she leapt up and threw her arms around a
organisations.
advisors managing the agency pension fund had
'
job!
neo-Nazi leader Guelph and Chibelline said was
payroll. The last thing they wanted was a
this is Bill Serf,
' Hannah spat, '
Unfortunately,
'
female sharp-shooter. 'We came here to visit
International Communist Party and other
Wyndham Lewis paintings, because the financial
I want to give you a blow
' Hannah replied, '
Yes,
'
and I guess you must be the important
me, '
s '
who knew that Hornblower was on the CIA
Guelph and Chibelline. Somewhat later, Roseanne
up the English translations published by the
based operation that was churning out fake
' I put in.
I take it you two know each other,
'
' the woman informed
m Roseanne Whitebait,
' I '
they were quickly shot by more senior colleagues
' I observed.
wanted to give me,
Whitebait dropped by and began ranting about
argument here, so the ignorant will have to chase
happy with the Toni Duffer Gallery, a London
still wet behind the ears rushed towards us, but
' the cretin conceded.
re right Hannah!
'
You
On the phone, you said you had something you
'
how her friends were mass producing fake
' I tried to reassure her.
A visitor,
'
t room to restate the details of the
'
there isn
work for CIA. American intelligence was less than
couple of British intelligence operatives who were
Wyndham Lewis paintings and selling them
Amadeo Bordiga and his followers, in any case
girlfriend in order to get me to do a bit of dirty
the back of her hand.
talentless hack Keith Aimless.
' the creature demanded.
Who are you?
'
plugged Thursday twice through the head. A
through the Toni Duffer Gallery. When Guelph and
of democracy made by the Italian left-communist
d been assigned to become my
'
revealed that she
demanded as she wiped spunk from her lips with
another was Michael Aimless, the talentless son of
Hannah then pulled a .45 from her handbag and
are literate enough to be familiar with the critique
own way. Over a drink or two, Hornblower
' Hornblower
while
Does he look like the footballer?
The Lucifer Couplets,
'
content of his novel
doctrines. I assume that the bulk of my readers
ll pay their
'
'
your sick sexual kicks!
ve got a career, they
'
that since they
him because of the supposedly blasphemous
' I hissed.
No,
'
they must inevitably adhere to neo-Nazi
Branch protected digs and slice them up to get
of ways, not the least of which is an insistence
d had a Papal Bull issued against
'
Thursday, who
s output operates within this tradition,
'
Chibelline
Aimless, you take women back to your Special
feminist critique, which manifests itself in all sorts
' the suit exclaimed.
Not the famous footballer!
'
that one of them was the author Solomon
'Once the agency knows your cover is blown,
' Serf asked incredulously.
killing myself?
they'll simply send someone else after me, better
Would you do that? Would you really film me
'
the devil you know! Besides, you're a fine looking
'
classes of society.
bitch.'
until you were a household name among all the
'Do you really think so?' Hannah pouted.
t be long
'
immortalised for posterity and it wouldn
camcorder. That way your death would be
'Sure,' I replied, 'the agency has been
the toilets, and I could film the suicide on my
investigating me for years and it knows my type,
you could overdose right here in
human wreck, '
good looking and smart!'
' I assured the self-pitying
You can son, you can,
'
'I like you!' Hannah bellowed as she threw her
' Serf shrieked.
I wish I could die!
'
arms around my neck and kissed me.
'
t have a clue who you are!
'
working class doesn
'What about me?' Serf snivelled from where he
the
' Hornblower concurred, '
s right,
'
Luther
'
was still sprawled on the toilet floor.
'
must know who I am.
'What about you?' I snarled. 'You're a sad Oxford
the working class
' Serf cried, '
t be true,
'
That can
'
junkie, so what?'
' I whooped.
single working class subscriber.
'Don't,' Serf sobbed, 'that's too close to the truth,
t have a
'
middle class trendies, it probably doesn
I am a sad Oxford junkie but it isn't my fault.
The New Statesmen is written and read by
'
When I was a child my mother used to tell me she
wished she'd had me aborted. I had a terrible
'
terrible review in the New Statesman.
upbringing and when I tried to follow in my
my last book had a
' Serf screeched, '
Yes they do,
'
father's footsteps, I was turned down by the CIA,
hooted.
they said my drug habit made me unreliable.'
' I
t know who you are,
'
The working class don
'
'Why don't kill yourself,' I suggested.
'
me and the working class hates me too.
the middle classes hate
' Serf wailed, '
s terrible,
'
It
'
8
7
Single-handedly destroying the hegemonic
I can have whatever I want without any hassle at
'Sure,' I replied, 'and I'd spare no expense in
these two dickheads were so strapped for cash
the CIA was better funded than its British
Lewis. While Warhol had his anonymous
Would you like to hear some selections from our
bizarre Calvinist deviation from the European
It looks like your career in the art world has gone
phoned up a friend and told him I was sick of
position enjoyed by the dominant culture is a
all. I just moan to a friend about how my love life
hiring a top-flight edit suite so that I could turn
that they
kaput,
'd taken to counterfeiting work by the
counterparts and she
assistants, Beuys
'd be paid overtime for
' neo-Steinerean practice was
boxed CD set of Hitler speeches,' Guelph
norm. It was a tragedy when the Gresham family
' Hannah spat at Chibelline as Guelph
blondes, what I really wanted was a girl in her
major task and I
enquired.
've dedicated the better part of
is getting a bit jaded, and what I really need is a
the footage into the biggest grossing video
Vorticist Wyndham Lewis. Since art is a bulwark
helping the police with their inquiries. In any
predicated on the juxtaposition of felt and fat, hot
chased the Hanseatic League from Britain,
dropped down dead.
mid-twenties who'd enjoyed a traditional
my adult life to this chore. As a consequence, I
release of all time.'
and cold, shaman and people, etcetera. This
subsequently establishing their Rosicrucian
upbringing in a matriarchal tribe, but had
've
six foot plus Nigerian girlfriend with a doctorate in
of the liberal state, the CIA felt their hands were
case, the special relationship between Britain and
'We
'
'd be delighted,
Oh no!
' Hannah lied.
' the pisshead wailed as he plunged the
tied, it would reflect very badly on them if it ever
America was very dear to Hannah's heart, and
tendency reaches its apogee in the work of
Invisible College, and a front operation in the
subsequently got a first class degree in pure
'
Cunt Lickers
landed in all sorts of odd situations, and very
communist economics and a successful career as
Wow,' Serf cried, 'why haven
knife into his own chest. '
't I thought of doing
I wouldn't have killed
often end up in media watering holes or
a model, and the spooks get it sorted. The
came out that one of their agents had knocked off
she made it clear that she'd do everything in her
Guelph and Chibelline, whose monumental
While Guelph organised the entertainment,
form of the Royal Society. What we say is no
mathematics. A few hours after I'd made the call,
this before? Let
him if I'
's get to it!'
d been sober, but then I've been drunk for
Chibelline poured the drinks. A half finished
Anonymous
frequenting parties thrown by the rich and
bastards bug my phone, so I might as well make
Guelph and Chibelline, which is why they wanted
power to assist Five and Six regardless of
photography upholds a particularly vile form of
more brothers wars. The British people have got
Hornblower dropped by to say she was
the past thirty years!'
famous, where I munch nouvelle cuisine and quaff
use of this snooping by letting them know what
I had a video eight camera in my bag, and aimed
me to do the dirty work.
monetary considerations. Nevertheless, we had
patriarchy with its simultaneous expression and
Wyndham Lewis fake was lying on the floor, next
to recognise that ultimately they are of German
disappointed I wasn't going to settle down with
very expensive wine at somebody else
other work to do, and once we
'That's a job well done!
'
's expense.
type of field agent will interact most successfully
the thing at Serf as he prepared a hot shot. The
d shaken hands
denial of male sexual community. Add to this the
to an English language translation of Hitler
her. However, to show there were no hard 's Mein
extraction, once we are fully reconciled with our
' Hornblower announced as
I spent some time going through all the angles
On this particular occasion, I found myself in a
with me.
no-hope author whose career was based entirely
with everyone present, nearly all of whom
use of anonymous youth as a symbol of the virile
Kampf. I picked up the drawing and admired the
cousins across the sea, Europe can be Great once
Chibelline snuffed it.
feelings, she gave me a suitcase filled with used
with Hannah, and eventually we agreed that we'd
hotel bar in Bloomsbury, having received a
on hype, connections and marriage, sat in one of
appeared to be intelligence operatives, it was
masses, and the result is the most extreme form
skilful imitation of the Vorticist style, then handed
again!'
notes, it was the entire million pound reward for
Anyway, I led Hannah out of the bar and up to
keep quiet about the fact that I'd rumbled her
Then the spook pushed me back against the sofa
mysterious phone call from a young woman who
the cubicles and stuck the needle in his vein. He
time to split.
of totalitarian art so far produced within the
it to Hornblower who gave the sketch the once
smashing the Wyndham Lewis counterfeit ring.
the John, which was pretty plush. I told the bitch
cover. After all, while I wasn
'Up the Patriarchy!
't interested in doing
' Chibelline yelled.
and pressed her lips against mine. Split-seconds
said she had something she wanted to give me.
looked ecstatic as blood bloomed in the dropper.
context of a liberal culture.
over before putting it back down on the floor.
Toni Duffer, the ugly duckling of the art world,
to plate me and she got down on her knee in front
the CIA's dirty work, particularly if I wasn
It doesn'
't going
t take a genius to work out the type of
later, there was a knock on the door. Hannah
Five minutes later he
'
'd passed out. I shut the
Death to Cunt Lickers!' Guelph roared.
had been arrested and almost immediately
'Mr. Blissett?' a blonde-bombshell enquired as I
of the urinals. As Hornblower swallowed my dick,
to be paid, I did want to take out Guelph and
audience Guelph and Chibelline attract. The Pinky
Hornblower had befriended several faded
We can only do them when we're drunk,'
released her grip on me and staggered up, clearly
cubicle door and reflected that it was no great
hanged himself in a police cell. Hannah didn't
was ordering a glass of house red at the bar, and
I stood there wondering why there isn
Chibelline slurred, '
'
frustrated that we weren'
't a wank
Chibelline who were even more reactionary than
and Perky of conceptual art appealed to the
members of the glitterati who hung around the
Wyndham had decent politics
We like very much to be Artists, we like very
t going to get down to
loss that I hadn't had time to buy fresh film
need the philanthropist's dosh, since she was
once I'd confirmed my identity she continued, '
decadent crowd who
much to be Nazis!
'
Toni Duffer Gallery, all of whom had acquired
' they chanted in unison. '
any serious sexual athletics just yet.
I
d made their money from 'm
rag called something like IQ for guys who get off
the average representative of serious culture. As
but his perception of the world was clearly tinged
Ours
earlier in the day. After all, no one would be
getting twenty million knicker from the Pope.
Hannah Hornblower, we spoke on the phone.
pop and fashion, these are people who'
Guelph and Chibelline pictures on the never
is an Art of the People, and we are the Great '
on intelligent chicks, after all with the increasing
my escort and I were preparing to leave, Solomon
ve always
with insanity. The modernist culture, still unaware
interested in sordid footage of yet another
'It's probably the bloody neighbours come to
segmentation of the market, pornographers seem
Thursday came over and plonked himself down
loved totalitarian chic. The singularly most
never. We found the pop singer Bernard Barge in
of the connectedness of the Aryan peoples and
Leader who will abolish the decadence of abstract
'By the way Blissett,' Hannah laughed as she left,
'What are you drinking?' I enquired.
miserable little junkie putting an end to his
complain about the noise!' Hornblower fumed. 'I
to be catering for every other taste. While I
beside Hornblower.
important component in Guelph and Chibelline
thinking in terms of left and right, has not
'
's
an overpriced restaurant. Having acquired several
painting, bringing beauty into the lives of ordinary
good luck with Zulinda. You said you wanted a
pathetic life. I had at least done Serf's kids a
should have turned this abysmal Hitler speech off
'The same as you,
babe who'
' Hannah simpered.
pondered this, the door to the bog swung open
work is the constant repetition of their own
Guelph and Chibelline pictures, Barge had a
understood Wyndham's political vision, just as it
men. We unite the Worker, the Peasant and the
d grown up in a matriarchal tribe and
great favour, they wouldn
'
'
before trying to snog you! t have to grow up with
I am the great Solomon Thursday,
'
' the prat
and in marched the twat who'd been ogling
image. The cult of the personality is, of course,
standing invitation to visit their Fournier Street
has not understood Blake. Like Guelph and
Solider, so that they can march happily into the
had a first in pure mathematics, and I'm warning
As we sat down, I clocked some upper class berk
a junkie for a father.
announced as he reached out and grabbed
Hannah in the downstairs bar.
the central element of all totalitarian art. The
studios. Bernard wrung the promise of a date out
myself, both Lewis and Blake offered the British
Great National Socialist Future!
you now, she'
'
As Hannah pressed the eject button on the CD,
s one stroppy cow!'
ogling Hornblower, both this prat and his mates
Hannah's tits, 'and I want to make passionate
We went back to the bar and this time Hannah
eclipse and re-emergence of this particular
of Hannah in return for introducing her to his
People a regional variation on the Nazi dream of a
there was a second knock on the door. I got up
were dressed up in tweeds, which along their loud
'Who are you?
love to you!' ' this idiot demanded.
Rather than constituting a single a 'Great Leader,
Originally published in 1996 as a limited edition '
paid for the wine. This caused me to reflect that
cultural discourse is neither surprising nor difficult
artist chums. As a precaution against the
third way beyond capitalism and communism.
and answered the summons, only to be
'
conversation made it plain to everyone in the
'Fuck off you talentless moron!' Hornblower
I might have imagined these two idiots becoming
pamphlet under the Imprint 93 banner. Stewart
'Luther Blissett,' I informed the bozo as I shot my
going to university tends to have a better effect
to understand. Unfortunately, it is a very common
possibility of jealousy, Hornblower told the former
confronted by a very ugly woman in her
establishment that they were literary types.
screamed as she punched the novelist on the
'Yes, yes,' Guelph chirped excitedly, '
Home also produced '
we
a hydra-headed monster if they hadn'
Will Self Is Stupid 're looking
t been such
' badges
load.
on birds than blokes. Bitches with a degree have
mistake to imagine that because Guelph and
pop star that I was her art mad brother. Having
late-thirties, whose long red hair was flying all
Taking a second glance at these twits, I realised
nose. 'I know all about you and your chum
forward to a new era when all the People of the
buffoons. Besides, my objection to what they did
as part of Matthew Higgs' Imprint 93.
usually picked up at least the bare bones of a
over the place.
return to the roots. Anglo-American society is a
'
the second sex.
s ingenuity, so I
'
I might as well test the CIA
ve got to do is
'
'
lung castes for you!
stupidity years ago. What we
women to have original ideas, they are after all
were, of course, close associates of Wyndham
artists had died, I split. That afternoon, I thought
ll be no more
'
Lickers Anonymous set up. There
objection about the Hansa, we demolished that
t be so critical, one cannot expect
'
and don
s joint work The Waste Land. Both poets
'
'
Pound
under which Solomon Thursday and the three
s the end of your sick Cunt
not the hoary old
'
themselves in, so that
' Guelph snapped, '
' Chibelline assured me,
Oh no,
The very same person,
'
examples of high kitsch is T. S. Eliot and Ezra
statements to the cops about the circumstances
name. In literature, one of the more notorious
more, Guelph and Chibelline have just done
d made
'
'
t for me. Therefore, once we
I see a problem here.
'
' I hissed, '
'
isn
But,
'
result fruitless labour?
longing, truly is a love that dare not speak its s '
What
' I yelled. '
m not a fucking Nazi!
'
Well, I
'
babe, but a long term relationship with a spook
making plaster castes of rocks and calling the
'
Empire and Religion working hand in hand!
collaboration, this double talk, this unfulfilled
assure you that Hannah Hornblower is one hot
s idea of
'
'
anything about it!
Ross MacDonald and Joseph Campbell
is wonderfully enhanced by the twin forces of
' organises itself in the form of male artistic
camp
'
s more or less what we did. Let me
t know
'
'
And that
me about their politics because I don
the twit who became famous by appropriating
and pure. Thanks to our Art, the Life of the People
repressed desire. Since this particular mode of
t bother asking
'
with sculptural subjects, so don
you mean Roseanne Whitebait,
' I put in, '
What,
'
'
Champaign breakfast!
and bring together everything that is beautiful
denies a specifically patriarchal form of partially
Chibelline have been very helpful in providing me
and book a flash hotel room and order a
Chibelline, because we oppose the old hatreds
informed us.
high kitsch, which simultaneously articulates and
autopsy to retrieve my artwork. Guelph and
d go
'
bastards are in the money, so if I was you, I
' Guelph
s why we call ourselves Guelph and
'
that
Our friend Whitebait is on her way round,
'
totalitarian discourse, and that is the factor of
concrete and leave it to set, before performing an
market with Wyndham Lewis fakes. You two lucky
his feet and raised his right arm in a Nazi salute,
Now there is another element that is crucial to the
the career of Adolf Hitler.
Once these oiks are tripping, I fill their lungs with
evidence to convict and jail the ring flooding the
' Chibelline screamed, as he jumped to
You see,
'
fame and fortune had remarkable parallels with
its final phase of decline.
LSD before they get various yobs to lick me out.
quid reward for anyone providing the police with
'
Flags!
were clowns, and encouraged them, their rise to
exponents of this tendency as modernism entered
why I let Guelph and Chibelline lace my cunt with
anonymous philanthropist has put up a million
a Europe of the Peoples, a Europe of a Hundred
Arches. People thought Guelph and Chibelline
and Guelph and Chibelline being the leading
s '
t like the working class. That
'
know is that I don
some
' the WPC whispered, '
By the way,
'
a homeland of their own, then we truly can have
music hall classics such as Underneath The
precursors to these trends, with Beuys, Warhol
t know anything about politics, all I
'
artist, I don
' Hannah concurred.
Yes, yes!
'
the regions blossom and the immigrants return to
tables in pubs and in an inebriated state murder
both pop art and performance were important
m an
' I
' Whitebait retorted. '
How should I know?
cosmopolitanism of New York and Hollywood. Let
d get up onto
' Naturally,
'
s who
pair of performance artist
European particularism.
defence of '
' I snarled.
'
Circus!
Do I look like a Nazi?
'
' a
why he was opposed to the rootless
the singing pissheads,
their initial reputation as '
long ago appropriated by the New Right for the
Street, only two minutes walk from Oxford '
coming to visit them sometime this week.
genius of Adolf Hitler to recognise this, which is
perhaps recall that Guelph and Chibelline made
' was
left
The identity politics of the democratic '
s gallery is in Darling
'
on the floor. I believe Duffer
neo-Nazi leader Guelph and Chibelline said was
many beautiful cultures in the world. It was the
d be blind drunk. Many of my readers will
' is ultimately cultural fascism.
'
they
post-modernism
'
s a half finished Wyndham Lewis fake
'
see there
and I guess you must be the important
me, '
that we can protect the purity and diversity of the
after mid-morning, because by early afternoon
Socialism was a brand of aesthetic politics, so
Points Bulletin to have Toni Duffer arrested, I can
' the woman informed
m Roseanne Whitebait,
' I ' against America. It is only by accepting difference Music frontman rarely visited his art bore friends discourse of totalitarian art, and just as National
ll send out an All
'
everything under control. I
against the decadence of the West, that is to say
made his excuses and left. The one time Poxy
became necessary for the ruling elite to revive the
ve got
'
we
' the WPC assured her, '
t worry,
' I tried to reassure her.
'
Don
A visitor,
'
will Europe and the Third World be able to unite
introduced us to Guelph and Chibelline, Barge
Socialism. With the exhaustion of modernism, it
'
Chibelline told her to shut up, she stabbed them.
' the creature demanded.
Who are you?
'
world will recognise their particularity. Only then
accompanied us to the East End in a cab and
masses far more effectively than National
21
22
s heart.
'
Guelph
'It looks like your career in the art world has gone
he picked up the blade and plunged it into
kaput,' Hannah spat at Chibelline as Guelph
' the inebriated twit replied as
s a good idea!
'
That
'
dropped down dead.
lying on the floor at Chibelline.
'Oh no!' the pisshead wailed as he plunged the
' I said as I kicked a carving knife that was
lying,
knife into his own chest. 'I wouldn't have killed
much. Hornblower assured her fellow spooks that
pussy on me is a pretty cool situation. These days
' Serf asked incredulously.
killing myself?
state, liberalism imposes its domination over the
s '
t you try a test to see whether he
'
Why don
'
'
suck your dick?
him if I'd been sober, but then I've been drunk for
t inconvenience us too
'
10am appointment wouldn
fact that various security agencies want to plant
Would you do that? Would you really film me
'
secular religion, rather than a mere adjunct of the
why did you let me
Serf and he sank to the floor, '
the past thirty years!'
'
immortal!
this was a mere formality and they hoped that a
never experienced any problems pulling birds, the
Chibelline understood that by making art a
'
classes of society.
' the agent replied as she released
m
' I
' Guelph exclaimed. '
m not going to die!
' I '
would have to make a statement in the morning,
ve
'
In that case,
'
a revolutionary and one of the best. Although I
'That's a job well done!' Hornblower announced as
within the far-Right fringe. However, Guelph and
until you were a household name among all the
the entire incident and said that although Hannah
accused of being a radical, and I admit that I am '
I already had you sussed as a spook!
her head, '
Chibelline snuffed it.
'
you die?
reactionary activities would have been ghettoised
t be long
'
immortalised for posterity and it wouldn
d witnessed
'
t even detain us, they
'
The cops didn
such as Canada and Australia. I have been
' I said while simultaneously patting
Cool it babe,
'
what am I to do if
' Chibelline howled, '
Guelph,
'
copied the cultural excesses of the Nazi era, their
camcorder. That way your death would be
Then the spook pushed me back against the sofa
Iranians, the American, even colonial countries
and Ben of the London gallery scene merely
the lapsed Catholic writer.
the toilets, and I could film the suicide on my
at Serf and proceeded to throttle him.
and pressed her lips against mine. Split-seconds
'
longer have a career on the gallery circuit!
interested in me, the British, the Russians, the
evolving discourse of totalitarian art. Had the Bill
pound bounty the Pope had placed on the head of
you could overdose right here in
' Hannah snarled as she sprang
human wreck, '
Shut up! Shut up!
'
later, there was a knock on the door. Hannah
happen, then the surviving partner would no
the people they investigate and everyone is
monumental photography is situated within the
cousins would be claiming the twenty million
' I assured the self-pitying
You can son, you can,
'
released her grip on me and staggered up, clearly
because as far as I can see, if that were to
'
daring espionage exploits.
agencies specialise in planting sexual partners on
s
'
is to understand how Guelph and Chibelline
were very pleased that one of their American
frustrated that we weren't going to get down to
contingency plans you have if one of you dies,
' Serf shrieked.
I wish I could die!
'
the London School of Design as a cover for his
know who employed her. The intelligence
opts for the artist. This distinction is crucial if one
high time this twat met a sticky end and they
any serious sexual athletics just yet.
the Hansa. What I want to know is what
s a top CIA man who uses his professorship at
t as yet
'
'
he
'
Hannah was a spook, although I didn
' while the latter '
great man,
embodiment of the '
chums committed sick sexual murders. It was
t have a clue who you are!
'
working class doesn
has nothing to do with
' I explained, '
My problem,
'
' Serf explained,
Hornblower works for my daddy,
'
It was, of course, immediately obvious to me that
'It's probably the bloody neighbours come to
former adopts the political orator as its exalted
by with their hands tied as Thursday and his
the
' Hornblower concurred, '
s right,
'
Luther
'
complain about the noise!' Hornblower fumed. 'I
activities of our masters.
the capitalist mode of economic organisation, the
Hannah. Besides, they were sick of standing idly
' '
novelist since Barbara Cartland.
could do with a bit of oral action.
'
must know who I am.
should have turned this abysmal Hitler speech off
' for the murderous
justification
more rhetorical '
While both fascism and democracy are variants on
had witnessed the talentless novelist molesting
to literary journalism as the most extreme British
s go up to the Gents, I
'
let
' I concurred, '
Okay,
'
the working class
' Serf cried, '
t be true,
'
That can
'
before trying to snog you!'
done, institutional culture simply provides one
diplomatic incident and everyone in the hotel bar
known to the handful of idiots who pay any heed
organisations.
'
job!
superiority of the ruling class. When all is said and
payroll. The last thing they wanted was a
' I whooped.
single working class subscriber. this is Bill Serf,
' Hannah spat, '
Unfortunately,
'
As Hannah pressed the eject button on the CD,
International Communist Party and other
I want to give you a blow
' Hannah replied, '
Yes,
'
itself on society as a mark of the alleged
s '
who knew that Hornblower was on the CIA
t have a
'
middle class trendies, it probably doesn
there was a second knock on the door. I got up
up the English translations published by the
' I put in.
I take it you two know each other,
'
I object to is a dominant culture that imposes
they were quickly shot by more senior colleagues
The New Statesmen is written and read by
' I observed.
'
wanted to give me,
and answered the summons, only to be
argument here, so the ignorant will have to chase
' the Gresham family. What
hammer of the Hansa,
'
still wet behind the ears rushed towards us, but
' the cretin conceded.
re right Hannah!
'
You
On the phone, you said you had something you
'
confronted by a very ugly woman in her
t room to restate the details of the
'
'
there isn
terrible review in the New Statesman.
ve long considered as vile as that famous
'
which I
couple of British intelligence operatives who were
late-thirties, whose long red hair was flying all
Amadeo Bordiga and his followers, in any case
my last book had a
' Serf screeched, '
Yes they do,
'
the back of her hand.
talentless hack Keith Aimless.
had nothing to do with the Hanseatic League,
plugged Thursday twice through the head. A
over the place.
of democracy made by the Italian left-communist
demanded as she wiped spunk from her lips with
another was Michael Aimless, the talentless son of
Hannah then pulled a .45 from her handbag and
hooted.
are literate enough to be familiar with the critique
' Hornblower
while
Does he look like the footballer?
The Lucifer Couplets,
'
content of his novel
' I
t know who you are,
'
The working class don
'
doctrines. I assume that the bulk of my readers
'
your sick sexual kicks!
him because of the supposedly blasphemous
' I hissed.
No,
'
they must inevitably adhere to neo-Nazi
Branch protected digs and slice them up to get
'
me and the working class hates me too.
d had a Papal Bull issued against
'
Thursday, who
s output operates within this tradition,
'
Chibelline
Aimless, you take women back to your Special
the middle classes hate
' the suit exclaimed.
' Serf wailed, '
s terrible,
'
It
Not the famous footballer!
'
that one of them was the author Solomon
'Sure,' I replied, 'and I'd spare no expense in
other than tick. However, it was news to me that
hiring a top-flight edit suite so that I could turn
had a hard time selling their pictures on anything
the footage into the biggest grossing video
totalitarian art, and I also knew that Toni Duffer
release of all time.'
clearly operated within the discourse of
'Wow,' Serf cried, 'why haven't I thought of doing
familiar to me, their monumental photography
this before? Let's get to it!'
s work was
'
husbands. Guelph and Chibelline
ridding the nationalist movement of hen-pecked
I had a video eight camera in my bag, and aimed
which was designed to strengthen patriarchy by
the thing at Serf as he prepared a hot shot. The
organisation called Cunt Lickers Anonymous,
no-hope author whose career was based entirely
in organised neo-fascism and ran a sinister
on hype, connections and marriage, sat in one of
the Wyndham Lewis pictures, were also involved
the cubicles and stuck the needle in his vein. He
Chibelline, the artists who were actually faking up
looked ecstatic as blood bloomed in the dropper.
imbroglio if Hornblower let it slip that Guelph and
Five minutes later he'd passed out. I shut the
The CIA figured I could be lured into this
cubicle door and reflected that it was no great
loss that I hadn't had time to buy fresh film
invested heavily in this artist.
earlier in the day. After all, no one would be
advisors managing the agency pension fund had
interested in sordid footage of yet another
Wyndham Lewis paintings, because the financial
miserable little junkie putting an end to his
based operation that was churning out fake
pathetic life. I had at least done Serf's kids a
happy with the Toni Duffer Gallery, a London
great favour, they wouldn't have to grow up with
work for CIA. American intelligence was less than
a junkie for a father.
girlfriend in order to get me to do a bit of dirty
d been assigned to become my
'
revealed that she
We went back to the bar and this time Hannah
own way. Over a drink or two, Hornblower
paid for the wine. This caused me to reflect that
ll pay their
'
ve got a career, they
'
that since they
going to university tends to have a better effect
of ways, not the least of which is an insistence
on birds than blokes. Bitches with a degree have
feminist critique, which manifests itself in all sorts
usually picked up at least the bare bones of a
10
9
Single-handedly destroying the hegemonic
I can have whatever I want without any hassle at
'Once the agency knows your cover is blown,
these two dickheads were so strapped for cash
the CIA was better funded than its British
Lewis. While Warhol had his anonymous
Would you like to hear some selections from our
bizarre Calvinist deviation from the European
Oh no!' Whitebait cried as she covered her mouth
phoned up a friend and told him I was sick of
position enjoyed by the dominant culture is a
all. I just moan to a friend about how my love life
they'll simply send someone else after me, better
that they'd taken to counterfeiting work by the
counterparts and she
assistants, Beuys
with a hand. '
'd be paid overtime for
' neo-Steinerean practice was
boxed CD set of Hitler speeches,
This can't be true!'' Guelph
norm. It was a tragedy when the Gresham family
blondes, what I really wanted was a girl in her
major task and I
enquired.
've dedicated the better part of
is getting a bit jaded, and what I really need is a
the devil you know! Besides, you
mid-twenties who'
're a fine looking
Vorticist Wyndham Lewis. Since art is a bulwark
helping the police with their inquiries. In any
predicated on the juxtaposition of felt and fat, hot
chased the Hanseatic League from Britain,
d enjoyed a traditional
'It fucking well is bitch, so tough shit!' I snapped.
my adult life to this chore. As a consequence, I
bitch.'
and cold, shaman and people, etcetera. This
subsequently establishing their Rosicrucian
upbringing in a matriarchal tribe, but had
've
six foot plus Nigerian girlfriend with a doctorate in
of the liberal state, the CIA felt their hands were
case, the special relationship between Britain and
'We
'
'd be delighted,
And if you don'
' Hannah lied.
t believe me, why don't you come
tied, it would reflect very badly on them if it ever
America was very dear to Hannah's heart, and
tendency reaches its apogee in the work of
Invisible College, and a front operation in the
subsequently got a first class degree in pure
'
Cunt Lickers
landed in all sorts of odd situations, and very
communist economics and a successful career as
Do you really think so?' Hannah pouted.
on in and take a look for yourself.'
often end up in media watering holes or
a model, and the spooks get it sorted. The
came out that one of their agents had knocked off
she made it clear that she'd do everything in her
Guelph and Chibelline, whose monumental
While Guelph organised the entertainment,
form of the Royal Society. What we say is no
mathematics. A few hours after I'd made the call,
'Sure,' I replied, 'the agency has been
Chibelline poured the drinks. A half finished
Whitebait pushed past me and rushed into the
Anonymous
frequenting parties thrown by the rich and
bastards bug my phone, so I might as well make
Guelph and Chibelline, which is why they wanted
power to assist Five and Six regardless of
photography upholds a particularly vile form of
more brothers wars. The British people have got
Hornblower dropped by to say she was
famous, where I munch nouvelle cuisine and quaff
use of this snooping by letting them know what
investigating me for years and it knows my type,
me to do the dirty work.
monetary considerations. Nevertheless, we had
patriarchy with its simultaneous expression and
Wyndham Lewis fake was lying on the floor, next
to recognise that ultimately they are of German
studio. She charged over to Chibelline
disappointed I wasn'
's inert bulk
t going to settle down with
very expensive wine at somebody else
good looking and smart!'
other work to do, and once we'
's expense.
type of field agent will interact most successfully
d shaken hands
denial of male sexual community. Add to this the
to an English language translation of Hitler
her. However, to show there were no hard 's Mein
extraction, once we are fully reconciled with our
and pulled the knife from his chest. Then sobbing
I spent some time going through all the angles
On this particular occasion, I found myself in a
with me.
with everyone present, nearly all of whom
use of anonymous youth as a symbol of the virile
Kampf. I picked up the drawing and admired the
cousins across the sea, Europe can be Great once
hysterically, the K Foundation Award winner
feelings, she gave me a suitcase filled with used
'I like you!' Hannah bellowed as she threw her
with Hannah, and eventually we agreed that we'd
hotel bar in Bloomsbury, having received a
appeared to be intelligence operatives, it was
masses, and the result is the most extreme form
skilful imitation of the Vorticist style, then handed
again!'
plunged the blade again and again into
notes, it was the entire million pound reward for
Anyway, I led Hannah out of the bar and up to
arms around my neck and kissed me.
keep quiet about the fact that I'd rumbled her
mysterious phone call from a young woman who
time to split.
of totalitarian art so far produced within the
it to Hornblower who gave the sketch the once
Chibelline's lifeless form. Hornblower pulled a
smashing the Wyndham Lewis counterfeit ring.
the John, which was pretty plush. I told the bitch
cover. After all, while I wasn
'Up the Patriarchy!
't interested in doing
' Chibelline yelled.
said she had something she wanted to give me.
'What about me?' Serf snivelled from where he
context of a liberal culture.
over before putting it back down on the floor.
mobile from her bag and used the speed dialling
Toni Duffer, the ugly duckling of the art world,
to plate me and she got down on her knee in front
the CIA's dirty work, particularly if I wasn
It doesn'
't going
t take a genius to work out the type of
was still sprawled on the toilet floor.
'Death to Cunt Lickers!' Guelph roared.
function to call up logistical support. Minutes
had been arrested and almost immediately
'Mr. Blissett?' a blonde-bombshell enquired as I
of the urinals. As Hornblower swallowed my dick,
to be paid, I did want to take out Guelph and
audience Guelph and Chibelline attract. The Pinky
Hornblower had befriended several faded
We can only do them when we're drunk,'
later, armed cops kicked in the door. Whitebait
hanged himself in a police cell. Hannah didn't
was ordering a glass of house red at the bar, and
I stood there wondering why there isn
'What about you?' I snarled. '
Chibelline slurred, '
You'
't a wank
re a sad Oxford
Chibelline who were even more reactionary than
and Perky of conceptual art appealed to the
members of the glitterati who hung around the
Wyndham had decent politics
We like very much to be Artists, we like very
was still plunging the knife into Chibelline
need the philanthropist'
's bloody
s dosh, since she was
once I'd confirmed my identity she continued, '
junkie, so what?'
decadent crowd who
much to be Nazis!
'
Toni Duffer Gallery, all of whom had acquired
' they chanted in unison. '
I
d made their money from 'm
rag called something like IQ for guys who get off
the average representative of serious culture. As
but his perception of the world was clearly tinged
Ours
corpse, while Hannah and I cowered behind the
getting twenty million knicker from the Pope.
Hannah Hornblower, we spoke on the phone.
pop and fashion, these are people who'
Guelph and Chibelline pictures on the never
is an Art of the People, and we are the Great '
on intelligent chicks, after all with the increasing
with insanity. The modernist culture, still unaware
'Don't,' Serf sobbed, 'that's too close to the truth,
my escort and I were preparing to leave, Solomon
ve always
sofa as the sculptor's bulk was peppered with
segmentation of the market, pornographers seem
Thursday came over and plonked himself down
loved totalitarian chic. The singularly most
never. We found the pop singer Bernard Barge in
of the connectedness of the Aryan peoples and
Leader who will abolish the decadence of abstract
'By the way Blissett,' Hannah laughed as she left,
'What are you drinking?
bullets.
' I enquired.
I am a sad Oxford junkie but it isn't my fault.
to be catering for every other taste. While I
thinking in terms of left and right, has not
painting, bringing beauty into the lives of ordinary
When I was a child my mother used to tell me she
beside Hornblower.
important component in Guelph and Chibelline
'
's
an overpriced restaurant. Having acquired several
good luck with Zulinda. You said you wanted a
'The same as you,
Thank God you
babe who'
'
' Hannah simpered.
pondered this, the door to the bog swung open
understood Wyndham's political vision, just as it
men. We unite the Worker, the Peasant and the
ve arrived!' Hornblower hollered
wished she'd had me aborted. I had a terrible
work is the constant repetition of their own
Guelph and Chibelline pictures, Barge had a
d grown up in a matriarchal tribe and
'I am the great Solomon Thursday,' the prat
and in marched the twat who'd been ogling
image. The cult of the personality is, of course,
standing invitation to visit their Fournier Street
has not understood Blake. Like Guelph and
Solider, so that they can march happily into the
as she leapt up and threw her arms around a
had a first in pure mathematics, and I'm warning
As we sat down, I clocked some upper class berk
upbringing and when I tried to follow in my
announced as he reached out and grabbed
Hannah in the downstairs bar.
the central element of all totalitarian art. The
studios. Bernard wrung the promise of a date out
myself, both Lewis and Blake offered the British
Great National Socialist Future!
female sharp-shooter. '
you now, she'
'
We came here to visit
s one stroppy cow!'
ogling Hornblower, both this prat and his mates
father's footsteps, I was turned down by the CIA,
Hannah's tits, 'and I want to make passionate
eclipse and re-emergence of this particular
of Hannah in return for introducing her to his
People a regional variation on the Nazi dream of a
Guelph and Chibelline. Somewhat later, Roseanne
were dressed up in tweeds, which along their loud
'Who are you?
love to you!' ' this idiot demanded.
they said my drug habit made me unreliable.
Rather than constituting a single a '
'
Great Leader,
Originally published in 1996 as a limited edition '
cultural discourse is neither surprising nor difficult
artist chums. As a precaution against the
third way beyond capitalism and communism.'
Whitebait dropped by and began ranting about
conversation made it plain to everyone in the
'Fuck off you talentless moron!' Hornblower
I might have imagined these two idiots becoming
pamphlet under the Imprint 93 banner. Stewart
'Luther Blissett,
'Why don'
' I informed the bozo as I shot my
t kill yourself,' I suggested.
to understand. Unfortunately, it is a very common
possibility of jealousy, Hornblower told the former
how her friends were mass producing fake
establishment that they were literary types.
screamed as she punched the novelist on the
'Yes, yes,' Guelph chirped excitedly, '
Home also produced '
we
a hydra-headed monster if they hadn'
Will Self Is Stupid 're looking
t been such
' badges
load.
mistake to imagine that because Guelph and
pop star that I was her art mad brother. Having
Wyndham Lewis paintings and selling them
Taking a second glance at these twits, I realised
nose. 'I know all about you and your chum
forward to a new era when all the People of the
buffoons. Besides, my objection to what they did
as part of Matthew Higgs' Imprint 93.
through the Toni Duffer Gallery. When Guelph and
'
s heart.
'
Guelph
the second sex.
s ingenuity, so I
'
I might as well test the CIA
'
lung castes for you!
he picked up the blade and plunged it into
women to have original ideas, they are after all
were, of course, close associates of Wyndham
artists had died, I split. That afternoon, I thought
ll be no more
'
Lickers Anonymous set up. There
' the inebriated twit replied as
s a good idea!
t be so critical, one cannot expect
'
'
That
and don
s joint work The Waste Land. Both poets
'
'
Pound
under which Solomon Thursday and the three
s the end of your sick Cunt
' Chibelline assured me,
'
themselves in, so that
The very same person,
'
examples of high kitsch is T. S. Eliot and Ezra
statements to the cops about the circumstances
lying on the floor at Chibelline.
name. In literature, one of the more notorious
more, Guelph and Chibelline have just done
d made
'
t for me. Therefore, once we
' I said as I kicked a carving knife that was
'
'
isn
lying,
result fruitless labour?
longing, truly is a love that dare not speak its s '
What
' I yelled. '
m not a fucking Nazi!
'
Well, I
'
babe, but a long term relationship with a spook
s '
t you try a test to see whether he
'
Why don
'
making plaster castes of rocks and calling the
collaboration, this double talk, this unfulfilled
assure you that Hannah Hornblower is one hot
s idea of
'
'
anything about it!
Ross MacDonald and Joseph Campbell
'
immortal!
' organises itself in the form of male artistic
camp
'
s more or less what we did. Let me
t know
'
'
And that
me about their politics because I don
the twit who became famous by appropriating
m
' I
' Guelph exclaimed. '
m not going to die!
' I ' repressed desire. Since this particular mode of
t bother asking
'
with sculptural subjects, so don
you mean Roseanne Whitebait,
' I put in, '
What,
'
'
Champaign breakfast!
denies a specifically patriarchal form of partially
Chibelline have been very helpful in providing me
'
you die?
and book a flash hotel room and order a
informed us.
high kitsch, which simultaneously articulates and
autopsy to retrieve my artwork. Guelph and
what am I to do if
' Chibelline howled, '
Guelph,
'
d go
'
bastards are in the money, so if I was you, I
' Guelph
Our friend Whitebait is on her way round,
'
totalitarian discourse, and that is the factor of
concrete and leave it to set, before performing an
market with Wyndham Lewis fakes. You two lucky
'
longer have a career on the gallery circuit!
Now there is another element that is crucial to the
the career of Adolf Hitler.
Once these oiks are tripping, I fill their lungs with
evidence to convict and jail the ring flooding the
happen, then the surviving partner would no
fame and fortune had remarkable parallels with
its final phase of decline.
LSD before they get various yobs to lick me out.
quid reward for anyone providing the police with
because as far as I can see, if that were to
were clowns, and encouraged them, their rise to
exponents of this tendency as modernism entered
why I let Guelph and Chibelline lace my cunt with
anonymous philanthropist has put up a million
contingency plans you have if one of you dies,
Arches. People thought Guelph and Chibelline
and Guelph and Chibelline being the leading
s '
t like the working class. That
'
know is that I don
some
' the WPC whispered, '
By the way,
'
the Hansa. What I want to know is what
music hall classics such as Underneath The
precursors to these trends, with Beuys, Warhol
t know anything about politics, all I
'
artist, I don
has nothing to do with
' I explained, '
My problem,
'
' Hannah concurred.
Yes, yes!
'
tables in pubs and in an inebriated state murder
both pop art and performance were important
m an
' I
' Whitebait retorted. '
How should I know?
d get up onto
' Naturally,
'
s who
activities of our masters.
pair of performance artist
European particularism.
defence of '
' I snarled.
'
Circus!
Do I look like a Nazi?
'
' a
' for the murderous
justification
the singing pissheads,
more rhetorical '
their initial reputation as '
long ago appropriated by the New Right for the
Street, only two minutes walk from Oxford '
coming to visit them sometime this week.
done, institutional culture simply provides one
perhaps recall that Guelph and Chibelline made
' was
left
The identity politics of the democratic '
s gallery is in Darling
'
on the floor. I believe Duffer
neo-Nazi leader Guelph and Chibelline said was
superiority of the ruling class. When all is said and
d be blind drunk. Many of my readers will
' is ultimately cultural fascism.
'
they
post-modernism
'
s a half finished Wyndham Lewis fake
'
see there
and I guess you must be the important
me, '
itself on society as a mark of the alleged
after mid-morning, because by early afternoon
Socialism was a brand of aesthetic politics, so
Points Bulletin to have Toni Duffer arrested, I can
' the woman informed
m Roseanne Whitebait,
' I ' I object to is a dominant culture that imposes Music frontman rarely visited his art bore friends discourse of totalitarian art, and just as National
ll send out an All
'
everything under control. I
' the Gresham family. What
hammer of the Hansa,
'
made his excuses and left. The one time Poxy
became necessary for the ruling elite to revive the
ve got
'
we
' the WPC assured her, '
t worry,
' I tried to reassure her.
'
Don
A visitor,
'
ve long considered as vile as that famous
'
which I
introduced us to Guelph and Chibelline, Barge
Socialism. With the exhaustion of modernism, it
'
Chibelline told her to shut up, she stabbed them.
' the creature demanded.
Who are you?
'
had nothing to do with the Hanseatic League,
accompanied us to the East End in a cab and
masses far more effectively than National
19
20
return to the roots. Anglo-American society is a
bizarre Calvinist deviation from the European
ve got to do is
'
stupidity years ago. What we
norm. It was a tragedy when the Gresham family
objection about the Hansa, we demolished that
chased the Hanseatic League from Britain,
not the hoary old
' Guelph snapped, '
Oh no,
'
subsequently establishing their Rosicrucian
Invisible College, and a front operation in the
'
I see a problem here.
' I hissed, '
But,
'
pussy on me is a pretty cool situation. These days
' Serf asked incredulously.
killing myself?
state, liberalism imposes its domination over the
other than tick. However, it was news to me that
form of the Royal Society. What we say is no
'
suck your dick?
'
Empire and Religion working hand in hand!
fact that various security agencies want to plant
Would you do that? Would you really film me
'
secular religion, rather than a mere adjunct of the
had a hard time selling their pictures on anything
more brothers wars. The British people have got
why did you let me
Serf and he sank to the floor, '
is wonderfully enhanced by the twin forces of
never experienced any problems pulling birds, the
Chibelline understood that by making art a
totalitarian art, and I also knew that Toni Duffer
to recognise that ultimately they are of German
'
classes of society.
' the agent replied as she released
and pure. Thanks to our Art, the Life of the People
ve
'
In that case,
'
a revolutionary and one of the best. Although I
within the far-Right fringe. However, Guelph and
clearly operated within the discourse of
extraction, once we are fully reconciled with our
until you were a household name among all the
and bring together everything that is beautiful
accused of being a radical, and I admit that I am '
I already had you sussed as a spook!
her head, '
reactionary activities would have been ghettoised
familiar to me, their monumental photography
cousins across the sea, Europe can be Great once
t be long
'
immortalised for posterity and it wouldn
Chibelline, because we oppose the old hatreds
such as Canada and Australia. I have been
' I said while simultaneously patting
Cool it babe,
'
copied the cultural excesses of the Nazi era, their
s work was
'
husbands. Guelph and Chibelline
again!'
camcorder. That way your death would be
s why we call ourselves Guelph and
'
that
'
Iranians, the American, even colonial countries
and Ben of the London gallery scene merely
ridding the nationalist movement of hen-pecked
the toilets, and I could film the suicide on my
at Serf and proceeded to throttle him.
'Up the Patriarchy!' Chibelline yelled.
his feet and raised his right arm in a Nazi salute,
interested in me, the British, the Russians, the
evolving discourse of totalitarian art. Had the Bill
which was designed to strengthen patriarchy by
you could overdose right here in
' Hannah snarled as she sprang
human wreck, '
Shut up! Shut up!
'
' Chibelline screamed, as he jumped to
You see,
'
the people they investigate and everyone is
'Death to Cunt Lickers!' Guelph roared.
monumental photography is situated within the
organisation called Cunt Lickers Anonymous,
' I assured the self-pitying
You can son, you can,
'
'
daring espionage exploits.
agencies specialise in planting sexual partners on
'
Flags!
s
'
is to understand how Guelph and Chibelline
in organised neo-fascism and ran a sinister
'We like very much to be Artists, we like very
' Serf shrieked.
I wish I could die!
'
the London School of Design as a cover for his
know who employed her. The intelligence
a Europe of the Peoples, a Europe of a Hundred
opts for the artist. This distinction is crucial if one
the Wyndham Lewis pictures, were also involved
much to be Nazis!' they chanted in unison. 'Ours
s a top CIA man who uses his professorship at
t as yet
'
'
he
'
Hannah was a spook, although I didn
a homeland of their own, then we truly can have
' while the latter
great man,
embodiment of the '
Chibelline, the artists who were actually faking up
'
t have a clue who you are!
'
working class doesn
is an Art of the People, and we are the Great
' Serf explained,
Hornblower works for my daddy,
'
It was, of course, immediately obvious to me that
the regions blossom and the immigrants return to
former adopts the political orator as its exalted
imbroglio if Hornblower let it slip that Guelph and
the
' Hornblower concurred, '
s right,
'
Luther
'
Leader who will abolish the decadence of abstract
cosmopolitanism of New York and Hollywood. Let
the capitalist mode of economic organisation, the
The CIA figured I could be lured into this
' '
novelist since Barbara Cartland.
could do with a bit of oral action.
painting, bringing beauty into the lives of ordinary
'
must know who I am.
why he was opposed to the rootless
While both fascism and democracy are variants on
to literary journalism as the most extreme British
s go up to the Gents, I
'
let
' I concurred, '
Okay,
'
men. We unite the Worker, the Peasant and the
the working class
invested heavily in this artist.
' Serf cried, '
t be true,
'
That can
'
genius of Adolf Hitler to recognise this, which is
known to the handful of idiots who pay any heed
Solider, so that they can march happily into the
organisations.
advisors managing the agency pension fund had
'
job!
many beautiful cultures in the world. It was the
' I whooped.
single working class subscriber. this is Bill Serf,
' Hannah spat, '
Unfortunately,
'
Great National Socialist Future!'
International Communist Party and other
Wyndham Lewis paintings, because the financial
I want to give you a blow
' Hannah replied, '
Yes,
'
that we can protect the purity and diversity of the
t have a
'
middle class trendies, it probably doesn
up the English translations published by the
based operation that was churning out fake
' I put in.
I take it you two know each other,
'
Rather than constituting a single a 'Great Leader,'
against America. It is only by accepting difference
The New Statesmen is written and read by
' I observed.
'
wanted to give me,
argument here, so the ignorant will have to chase
happy with the Toni Duffer Gallery, a London
I might have imagined these two idiots becoming
against the decadence of the West, that is to say
' the cretin conceded.
re right Hannah!
'
You
On the phone, you said you had something you
'
t room to restate the details of the
'
there isn
work for CIA. American intelligence was less than
'
terrible review in the New Statesman.
a hydra-headed monster if they hadn't been such
will Europe and the Third World be able to unite
Amadeo Bordiga and his followers, in any case
girlfriend in order to get me to do a bit of dirty
my last book had a
' Serf screeched, '
Yes they do,
'
the back of her hand.
talentless hack Keith Aimless.
buffoons. Besides, my objection to what they did
world will recognise their particularity. Only then
of democracy made by the Italian left-communist
d been assigned to become my
'
revealed that she
demanded as she wiped spunk from her lips with
another was Michael Aimless, the talentless son of
hooted.
are literate enough to be familiar with the critique
own way. Over a drink or two, Hornblower
' Hornblower
while
Does he look like the footballer?
The Lucifer Couplets,
'
content of his novel
' I
t know who you are,
'
The working class don
'
doctrines. I assume that the bulk of my readers
ll pay their
'
ve got a career, they
'
that since they
him because of the supposedly blasphemous
' I hissed.
No,
'
they must inevitably adhere to neo-Nazi
of ways, not the least of which is an insistence
'
me and the working class hates me too.
d had a Papal Bull issued against
'
Thursday, who
s output operates within this tradition,
'
Chibelline
feminist critique, which manifests itself in all sorts
the middle classes hate
' the suit exclaimed.
' Serf wailed, '
s terrible,
'
It
Not the famous footballer!
'
that one of them was the author Solomon
these two dickheads were so strapped for cash
much. Hornblower assured her fellow spooks that
that they'd taken to counterfeiting work by the
t inconvenience us too
'
10am appointment wouldn
Vorticist Wyndham Lewis. Since art is a bulwark
this was a mere formality and they hoped that a
of the liberal state, the CIA felt their hands were
would have to make a statement in the morning,
tied, it would reflect very badly on them if it ever
the entire incident and said that although Hannah
came out that one of their agents had knocked off
d witnessed
'
t even detain us, they
'
The cops didn
Guelph and Chibelline, which is why they wanted
the lapsed Catholic writer.
me to do the dirty work.
pound bounty the Pope had placed on the head of
I spent some time going through all the angles
cousins would be claiming the twenty million
with Hannah, and eventually we agreed that we'd
were very pleased that one of their American
keep quiet about the fact that I'd rumbled her
high time this twat met a sticky end and they
cover. After all, while I wasn't interested in doing
chums committed sick sexual murders. It was
the CIA's dirty work, particularly if I wasn't going
by with their hands tied as Thursday and his
to be paid, I did want to take out Guelph and
Hannah. Besides, they were sick of standing idly
Chibelline who were even more reactionary than
had witnessed the talentless novelist molesting
the average representative of serious culture. As
diplomatic incident and everyone in the hotel bar
my escort and I were preparing to leave, Solomon
payroll. The last thing they wanted was a
Thursday came over and plonked himself down
s '
who knew that Hornblower was on the CIA
beside Hornblower.
they were quickly shot by more senior colleagues
still wet behind the ears rushed towards us, but
'I am the great Solomon Thursday,' the prat
couple of British intelligence operatives who were
announced as he reached out and grabbed
plugged Thursday twice through the head. A
Hannah's tits, 'and I want to make passionate
Hannah then pulled a .45 from her handbag and
love to you!'
'
your sick sexual kicks!
'Fuck off you talentless moron!' Hornblower
Branch protected digs and slice them up to get
screamed as she punched the novelist on the
Aimless, you take women back to your Special
nose. 'I know all about you and your chum
12
11
Single-handedly destroying the hegemonic
I can have whatever I want without any hassle at
'Once the agency knows your cover is blown,
'Sure,' I replied, '
Oh no!
and I'd spare no expense in
the CIA was better funded than its British
Lewis. While Warhol had his anonymous
Would you like to hear some selections from our
It looks like your career in the art world has gone
' Whitebait cried as she covered her mouth
phoned up a friend and told him I was sick of
position enjoyed by the dominant culture is a
all. I just moan to a friend about how my love life
they'll simply send someone else after me, better
hiring a top-flight edit suite so that I could turn
counterparts and she
assistants, Beuys
kaput,
with a hand. '
'd be paid overtime for
' neo-Steinerean practice was
boxed CD set of Hitler speeches,
This can't be true!'' Guelph
' Hannah spat at Chibelline as Guelph
blondes, what I really wanted was a girl in her
major task and I
enquired.
've dedicated the better part of
is getting a bit jaded, and what I really need is a
the devil you know! Besides, you
dropped down dead.
mid-twenties who'
're a fine looking
the footage into the biggest grossing video
helping the police with their inquiries. In any
predicated on the juxtaposition of felt and fat, hot
d enjoyed a traditional
'It fucking well is bitch, so tough shit!' I snapped.
my adult life to this chore. As a consequence, I
bitch.'
release of all time.'
and cold, shaman and people, etcetera. This
upbringing in a matriarchal tribe, but had
've
six foot plus Nigerian girlfriend with a doctorate in
case, the special relationship between Britain and
'We
'
'd be delighted,
Oh no!
And if you don'
' Hannah lied.
' the pisshead wailed as he plunged the
t believe me, why don't you come
America was very dear to Hannah's heart, and
tendency reaches its apogee in the work of
subsequently got a first class degree in pure
'
Cunt Lickers
landed in all sorts of odd situations, and very
communist economics and a successful career as
Do you really think so?
Wow,' Serf cried, '
' Hannah pouted.
why haven
knife into his own chest. '
't I thought of doing
I wouldn
on in and take a look for yourself. 't have killed
often end up in media watering holes or
a model, and the spooks get it sorted. The
she made it clear that she'd do everything in her
Guelph and Chibelline, whose monumental
While Guelph organised the entertainment,
mathematics. A few hours after I'd made the call,
this before? Let
him if I'
's get to it!'
d been sober, but then I've been drunk for
'Sure,' I replied, 'the agency has been
Chibelline poured the drinks. A half finished
Whitebait pushed past me and rushed into the
Anonymous
frequenting parties thrown by the rich and
bastards bug my phone, so I might as well make
power to assist Five and Six regardless of
photography upholds a particularly vile form of
Hornblower dropped by to say she was
the past thirty years!'
famous, where I munch nouvelle cuisine and quaff
use of this snooping by letting them know what
investigating me for years and it knows my type,
I had a video eight camera in my bag, and aimed
monetary considerations. Nevertheless, we had
patriarchy with its simultaneous expression and
Wyndham Lewis fake was lying on the floor, next
studio. She charged over to Chibelline
disappointed I wasn'
's inert bulk
t going to settle down with
very expensive wine at somebody else
good looking and smart!
'That's a job well done! '
other work to do, and once we'
's expense.
type of field agent will interact most successfully
the thing at Serf as he prepared a hot shot. The
d shaken hands
denial of male sexual community. Add to this the
to an English language translation of Hitler
her. However, to show there were no hard 's Mein
' Hornblower announced as
and pulled the knife from his chest. Then sobbing
On this particular occasion, I found myself in a
with me.
no-hope author whose career was based entirely
with everyone present, nearly all of whom
use of anonymous youth as a symbol of the virile
Kampf. I picked up the drawing and admired the
Chibelline snuffed it.
hysterically, the K Foundation Award winner
feelings, she gave me a suitcase filled with used
'I like you!' Hannah bellowed as she threw her
hotel bar in Bloomsbury, having received a
on hype, connections and marriage, sat in one of
appeared to be intelligence operatives, it was
masses, and the result is the most extreme form
skilful imitation of the Vorticist style, then handed
plunged the blade again and again into
notes, it was the entire million pound reward for
Anyway, I led Hannah out of the bar and up to
arms around my neck and kissed me.
Then the spook pushed me back against the sofa
mysterious phone call from a young woman who
the cubicles and stuck the needle in his vein. He
time to split.
of totalitarian art so far produced within the
it to Hornblower who gave the sketch the once
Chibelline's lifeless form. Hornblower pulled a
smashing the Wyndham Lewis counterfeit ring.
the John, which was pretty plush. I told the bitch
and pressed her lips against mine. Split-seconds
said she had something she wanted to give me.
'What about me?' Serf snivelled from where he
looked ecstatic as blood bloomed in the dropper.
context of a liberal culture.
over before putting it back down on the floor.
mobile from her bag and used the speed dialling
Toni Duffer, the ugly duckling of the art world,
to plate me and she got down on her knee in front
It doesn't take a genius to work out the type of
later, there was a knock on the door. Hannah
was still sprawled on the toilet floor.
Five minutes later he'd passed out. I shut the
function to call up logistical support. Minutes
had been arrested and almost immediately
'Mr. Blissett?' a blonde-bombshell enquired as I
of the urinals. As Hornblower swallowed my dick,
audience Guelph and Chibelline attract. The Pinky
Hornblower had befriended several faded
We can only do them when we're drunk,'
released her grip on me and staggered up, clearly
cubicle door and reflected that it was no great
later, armed cops kicked in the door. Whitebait
hanged himself in a police cell. Hannah didn't
was ordering a glass of house red at the bar, and
I stood there wondering why there isn
'What about you?' I snarled. '
Chibelline slurred, '
frustrated that we weren'
You'
't a wank
re a sad Oxford
and Perky of conceptual art appealed to the
members of the glitterati who hung around the
Wyndham had decent politics
t going to get down to
loss that I hadn't had time to buy fresh film
was still plunging the knife into Chibelline
need the philanthropist'
's bloody
s dosh, since she was
once I'd confirmed my identity she continued, '
junkie, so what?'
decadent crowd who'
Toni Duffer Gallery, all of whom had acquired
any serious sexual athletics just yet.
I
d made their money from 'm
rag called something like IQ for guys who get off
but his perception of the world was clearly tinged
earlier in the day. After all, no one would be
corpse, while Hannah and I cowered behind the
getting twenty million knicker from the Pope.
Hannah Hornblower, we spoke on the phone.
pop and fashion, these are people who'
Guelph and Chibelline pictures on the never '
on intelligent chicks, after all with the increasing
with insanity. The modernist culture, still unaware
'Don
It' 't,' Serf sobbed, 'that's too close to the truth,
ve always
interested in sordid footage of yet another
s probably the bloody neighbours come to
sofa as the sculptor's bulk was peppered with
segmentation of the market, pornographers seem
loved totalitarian chic. The singularly most
never. We found the pop singer Bernard Barge in
of the connectedness of the Aryan peoples and
'By the way Blissett,' Hannah laughed as she left,
'What are you drinking?
bullets.
' I enquired.
I am a sad Oxford junkie but it isn
complain about the noise!
't my fault.
miserable little junkie putting an end to his
' Hornblower fumed. 'I
to be catering for every other taste. While I
thinking in terms of left and right, has not
When I was a child my mother used to tell me she
important component in Guelph and Chibelline
'
's
an overpriced restaurant. Having acquired several
good luck with Zulinda. You said you wanted a
pathetic life. I had at least done Serf's kids a
should have turned this abysmal Hitler speech off
'The same as you,
Thank God you
babe who'
'
' Hannah simpered.
pondered this, the door to the bog swung open
understood Wyndham's political vision, just as it
ve arrived!' Hornblower hollered
wished she'd had me aborted. I had a terrible
work is the constant repetition of their own
Guelph and Chibelline pictures, Barge had a
d grown up in a matriarchal tribe and
great favour, they wouldn'
before trying to snog you! t have to grow up with
'
and in marched the twat who'd been ogling
image. The cult of the personality is, of course,
standing invitation to visit their Fournier Street
has not understood Blake. Like Guelph and
as she leapt up and threw her arms around a
had a first in pure mathematics, and I'm warning
As we sat down, I clocked some upper class berk
upbringing and when I tried to follow in my
a junkie for a father.
Hannah in the downstairs bar.
the central element of all totalitarian art. The
studios. Bernard wrung the promise of a date out
myself, both Lewis and Blake offered the British
As Hannah pressed the eject button on the CD,
female sharp-shooter. '
you now, she'
We came here to visit
s one stroppy cow!'
ogling Hornblower, both this prat and his mates
father's footsteps, I was turned down by the CIA,
We went back to the bar and this time Hannah
eclipse and re-emergence of this particular
of Hannah in return for introducing her to his
People a regional variation on the Nazi dream of a
there was a second knock on the door. I got up
Guelph and Chibelline. Somewhat later, Roseanne
were dressed up in tweeds, which along their loud
'Who are you?' this idiot demanded.
they said my drug habit made me unreliable.'
Originally published in 1996 as a limited edition
paid for the wine. This caused me to reflect that
cultural discourse is neither surprising nor difficult
artist chums. As a precaution against the
third way beyond capitalism and communism.
and answered the summons, only to be
'
Whitebait dropped by and began ranting about
conversation made it plain to everyone in the
pamphlet under the Imprint 93 banner. Stewart
'Luther Blissett,
'Why don'
' I informed the bozo as I shot my
t kill yourself,' I suggested.
going to university tends to have a better effect
to understand. Unfortunately, it is a very common
possibility of jealousy, Hornblower told the former
confronted by a very ugly woman in her
how her friends were mass producing fake
establishment that they were literary types.
'Yes, yes,' Guelph chirped excitedly, '
Home also produced '
we
Will Self Is Stupid 're looking
' badges
load.
on birds than blokes. Bitches with a degree have
mistake to imagine that because Guelph and
pop star that I was her art mad brother. Having
late-thirties, whose long red hair was flying all
Wyndham Lewis paintings and selling them
Taking a second glance at these twits, I realised
forward to a new era when all the People of the
as part of Matthew Higgs' Imprint 93.
usually picked up at least the bare bones of a
over the place.
through the Toni Duffer Gallery. When Guelph and
s heart.
'
Guelph
return to the roots. Anglo-American society is a
s ingenuity, so I
'
I might as well test the CIA
'
lung castes for you!
he picked up the blade and plunged it into
ve got to do is
'
stupidity years ago. What we
were, of course, close associates of Wyndham
artists had died, I split. That afternoon, I thought
ll be no more
'
Lickers Anonymous set up. There
' the inebriated twit replied as
s a good idea!
'
That
'
objection about the Hansa, we demolished that
s joint work The Waste Land. Both poets
'
Pound
under which Solomon Thursday and the three
s the end of your sick Cunt
not the hoary old
'
themselves in, so that
' Guelph snapped, '
Oh no,
'
examples of high kitsch is T. S. Eliot and Ezra
statements to the cops about the circumstances
lying on the floor at Chibelline.
name. In literature, one of the more notorious
more, Guelph and Chibelline have just done
d made
'
t for me. Therefore, once we
' I said as I kicked a carving knife that was
'
I see a problem here.
'
isn
lying, ' I hissed, '
But,
'
longing, truly is a love that dare not speak its s '
What
' I yelled. '
m not a fucking Nazi!
'
Well, I
'
babe, but a long term relationship with a spook
s '
t you try a test to see whether he
'
Why don
'
'
Empire and Religion working hand in hand!
collaboration, this double talk, this unfulfilled
assure you that Hannah Hornblower is one hot
'
anything about it!
'
immortal!
is wonderfully enhanced by the twin forces of
' organises itself in the form of male artistic
camp
'
s more or less what we did. Let me
t know
'
'
And that
me about their politics because I don
m
' I
' Guelph exclaimed. '
m not going to die!
' I ' and pure. Thanks to our Art, the Life of the People repressed desire. Since this particular mode of
t bother asking
'
with sculptural subjects, so don
'
Champaign breakfast!
and bring together everything that is beautiful
denies a specifically patriarchal form of partially
Chibelline have been very helpful in providing me
'
you die?
and book a flash hotel room and order a
Chibelline, because we oppose the old hatreds
high kitsch, which simultaneously articulates and
autopsy to retrieve my artwork. Guelph and
what am I to do if
' Chibelline howled, '
Guelph,
'
d go
'
bastards are in the money, so if I was you, I
s why we call ourselves Guelph and
'
that
'
totalitarian discourse, and that is the factor of
concrete and leave it to set, before performing an
market with Wyndham Lewis fakes. You two lucky
'
longer have a career on the gallery circuit!
his feet and raised his right arm in a Nazi salute,
Now there is another element that is crucial to the
Once these oiks are tripping, I fill their lungs with
evidence to convict and jail the ring flooding the
happen, then the surviving partner would no
' Chibelline screamed, as he jumped to
You see,
'
its final phase of decline.
LSD before they get various yobs to lick me out.
quid reward for anyone providing the police with
because as far as I can see, if that were to
'
Flags!
exponents of this tendency as modernism entered
why I let Guelph and Chibelline lace my cunt with
anonymous philanthropist has put up a million
contingency plans you have if one of you dies,
a Europe of the Peoples, a Europe of a Hundred
and Guelph and Chibelline being the leading
s '
t like the working class. That
'
know is that I don
some
' the WPC whispered, '
By the way,
'
the Hansa. What I want to know is what
a homeland of their own, then we truly can have
precursors to these trends, with Beuys, Warhol
t know anything about politics, all I
'
artist, I don
has nothing to do with
' I explained, '
My problem,
'
' Hannah concurred.
Yes, yes!
'
the regions blossom and the immigrants return to
both pop art and performance were important
m an
' I
' Whitebait retorted. '
How should I know?
activities of our masters.
cosmopolitanism of New York and Hollywood. Let
' Naturally,
European particularism.
defence of '
' I snarled.
'
Circus!
Do I look like a Nazi?
'
' for the murderous
justification
more rhetorical '
why he was opposed to the rootless
long ago appropriated by the New Right for the
Street, only two minutes walk from Oxford '
coming to visit them sometime this week.
done, institutional culture simply provides one
genius of Adolf Hitler to recognise this, which is
' was
left
The identity politics of the democratic '
s gallery is in Darling
'
on the floor. I believe Duffer
neo-Nazi leader Guelph and Chibelline said was
superiority of the ruling class. When all is said and
many beautiful cultures in the world. It was the
' is ultimately cultural fascism.
post-modernism
'
s a half finished Wyndham Lewis fake
'
see there
and I guess you must be the important
me, '
itself on society as a mark of the alleged
that we can protect the purity and diversity of the
Socialism was a brand of aesthetic politics, so
Points Bulletin to have Toni Duffer arrested, I can
' the woman informed
m Roseanne Whitebait,
' I ' I object to is a dominant culture that imposes against America. It is only by accepting difference discourse of totalitarian art, and just as National
ll send out an All
'
everything under control. I
' the Gresham family. What
hammer of the Hansa,
'
against the decadence of the West, that is to say
became necessary for the ruling elite to revive the
ve got
'
we
' the WPC assured her, '
t worry,
' I tried to reassure her.
'
Don
A visitor,
'
ve long considered as vile as that famous
'
which I
will Europe and the Third World be able to unite
Socialism. With the exhaustion of modernism, it
'
Chibelline told her to shut up, she stabbed them.
' the creature demanded.
Who are you?
'
had nothing to do with the Hanseatic League,
world will recognise their particularity. Only then
masses far more effectively than National
17
18
'
the second sex.
'Would you like to hear some selections from our
women to have original ideas, they are after all
boxed CD set of Hitler speeches,' Guelph
t be so critical, one cannot expect
'
and don
'
enquired.
' Chibelline assured me,
The very same person,
'
'We'd be delighted,' Hannah lied.
'
result fruitless labour?
much. Hornblower assured her fellow spooks that
pussy on me is a pretty cool situation. These days
' Serf asked incredulously.
killing myself?
While Guelph organised the entertainment,
making plaster castes of rocks and calling the
other than tick. However, it was news to me that
'
suck your dick?
t inconvenience us too
'
10am appointment wouldn
fact that various security agencies want to plant
Would you do that? Would you really film me
'
Chibelline poured the drinks. A half finished
s idea of
'
Ross MacDonald and Joseph Campbell
had a hard time selling their pictures on anything
why did you let me
Serf and he sank to the floor, '
this was a mere formality and they hoped that a
never experienced any problems pulling birds, the
Wyndham Lewis fake was lying on the floor, next
the twit who became famous by appropriating
totalitarian art, and I also knew that Toni Duffer
'
classes of society.
' the agent replied as she released
would have to make a statement in the morning,
ve
'
In that case,
'
a revolutionary and one of the best. Although I
to an English language translation of Hitler's Mein
you mean Roseanne Whitebait,
' I put in, '
What,
'
clearly operated within the discourse of
until you were a household name among all the
the entire incident and said that although Hannah
accused of being a radical, and I admit that I am '
I already had you sussed as a spook!
her head, '
Kampf. I picked up the drawing and admired the
familiar to me, their monumental photography
t be long
'
immortalised for posterity and it wouldn
informed us.
d witnessed
'
t even detain us, they
'
The cops didn
such as Canada and Australia. I have been
' I said while simultaneously patting
Cool it babe,
'
skilful imitation of the Vorticist style, then handed
s work was
'
husbands. Guelph and Chibelline
camcorder. That way your death would be
' Guelph
Our friend Whitebait is on her way round,
'
Iranians, the American, even colonial countries
it to Hornblower who gave the sketch the once
the lapsed Catholic writer.
ridding the nationalist movement of hen-pecked
the toilets, and I could film the suicide on my
at Serf and proceeded to throttle him.
interested in me, the British, the Russians, the
over before putting it back down on the floor.
the career of Adolf Hitler.
pound bounty the Pope had placed on the head of
which was designed to strengthen patriarchy by
you could overdose right here in
' Hannah snarled as she sprang
human wreck, '
Shut up! Shut up!
'
the people they investigate and everyone is
fame and fortune had remarkable parallels with
cousins would be claiming the twenty million
organisation called Cunt Lickers Anonymous,
' I assured the self-pitying
You can son, you can,
'
'We can only do them when we're drunk,'
'
daring espionage exploits.
agencies specialise in planting sexual partners on
were clowns, and encouraged them, their rise to
were very pleased that one of their American
in organised neo-fascism and ran a sinister
Chibelline slurred, 'Wyndham had decent politics
' Serf shrieked.
I wish I could die!
'
the London School of Design as a cover for his
know who employed her. The intelligence
Arches. People thought Guelph and Chibelline
high time this twat met a sticky end and they
the Wyndham Lewis pictures, were also involved
but his perception of the world was clearly tinged
s a top CIA man who uses his professorship at
t as yet
'
'
he
'
Hannah was a spook, although I didn
music hall classics such as Underneath The
chums committed sick sexual murders. It was
Chibelline, the artists who were actually faking up
'
t have a clue who you are!
'
working class doesn
with insanity. The modernist culture, still unaware
' Serf explained,
Hornblower works for my daddy,
'
It was, of course, immediately obvious to me that
tables in pubs and in an inebriated state murder
by with their hands tied as Thursday and his
imbroglio if Hornblower let it slip that Guelph and
the
' Hornblower concurred, '
s right,
'
Luther
'
of the connectedness of the Aryan peoples and
d get up onto
'
s who
pair of performance artist
Hannah. Besides, they were sick of standing idly
The CIA figured I could be lured into this
' '
novelist since Barbara Cartland.
could do with a bit of oral action.
thinking in terms of left and right, has not
'
must know who I am.
' a
the singing pissheads,
their initial reputation as '
had witnessed the talentless novelist molesting
to literary journalism as the most extreme British
s go up to the Gents, I
'
let
' I concurred, '
Okay,
'
understood Wyndham's political vision, just as it
the working class
invested heavily in this artist.
' Serf cried, '
t be true,
'
That can
'
perhaps recall that Guelph and Chibelline made
diplomatic incident and everyone in the hotel bar
known to the handful of idiots who pay any heed
has not understood Blake. Like Guelph and
advisors managing the agency pension fund had
'
job!
d be blind drunk. Many of my readers will
'
they
payroll. The last thing they wanted was a
' I whooped.
single working class subscriber. this is Bill Serf,
' Hannah spat, '
Unfortunately,
'
myself, both Lewis and Blake offered the British
Wyndham Lewis paintings, because the financial
I want to give you a blow
' Hannah replied, '
Yes,
'
after mid-morning, because by early afternoon
s '
who knew that Hornblower was on the CIA
t have a
'
middle class trendies, it probably doesn
People a regional variation on the Nazi dream of a
based operation that was churning out fake
' I put in.
I take it you two know each other,
'
Music frontman rarely visited his art bore friends
they were quickly shot by more senior colleagues
The New Statesmen is written and read by
' I observed.
'
wanted to give me,
third way beyond capitalism and communism.'
happy with the Toni Duffer Gallery, a London
made his excuses and left. The one time Poxy
still wet behind the ears rushed towards us, but
' the cretin conceded.
re right Hannah!
'
You
On the phone, you said you had something you
'
work for CIA. American intelligence was less than
'
terrible review in the New Statesman.
'Yes, yes,' Guelph chirped excitedly, 'we're looking
introduced us to Guelph and Chibelline, Barge
couple of British intelligence operatives who were
girlfriend in order to get me to do a bit of dirty
my last book had a
' Serf screeched, '
Yes they do,
'
the back of her hand.
talentless hack Keith Aimless.
forward to a new era when all the People of the
accompanied us to the East End in a cab and
plugged Thursday twice through the head. A
d been assigned to become my
'
revealed that she
demanded as she wiped spunk from her lips with
another was Michael Aimless, the talentless son of
Hannah then pulled a .45 from her handbag and
hooted.
own way. Over a drink or two, Hornblower
' Hornblower
while
Does he look like the footballer?
The Lucifer Couplets,
'
content of his novel
' I
t know who you are,
'
The working class don
'
ll pay their
'
'
your sick sexual kicks!
ve got a career, they
'
that since they
him because of the supposedly blasphemous
' I hissed.
No,
'
Branch protected digs and slice them up to get
of ways, not the least of which is an insistence
'
me and the working class hates me too.
d had a Papal Bull issued against
'
Thursday, who
Aimless, you take women back to your Special
feminist critique, which manifests itself in all sorts
the middle classes hate
' the suit exclaimed.
' Serf wailed, '
s terrible,
'
It
Not the famous footballer!
'
that one of them was the author Solomon
the CIA was better funded than its British
state, liberalism imposes its domination over the
counterparts and she'd be paid overtime for
secular religion, rather than a mere adjunct of the
helping the police with their inquiries. In any
Chibelline understood that by making art a
case, the special relationship between Britain and
within the far-Right fringe. However, Guelph and
America was very dear to Hannah's heart, and
reactionary activities would have been ghettoised
she made it clear that she'd do everything in her
copied the cultural excesses of the Nazi era, their
power to assist Five and Six regardless of
and Ben of the London gallery scene merely
monetary considerations. Nevertheless, we had
evolving discourse of totalitarian art. Had the Bill
other work to do, and once we'd shaken hands
monumental photography is situated within the
with everyone present, nearly all of whom
s
'
is to understand how Guelph and Chibelline
appeared to be intelligence operatives, it was
opts for the artist. This distinction is crucial if one
time to split.
' while the latter
great man,
embodiment of the '
It doesn't take a genius to work out the type of
former adopts the political orator as its exalted
audience Guelph and Chibelline attract. The Pinky
the capitalist mode of economic organisation, the
and Perky of conceptual art appealed to the
While both fascism and democracy are variants on
decadent crowd who'd made their money from
organisations.
pop and fashion, these are people who've always
International Communist Party and other
loved totalitarian chic. The singularly most
up the English translations published by the
important component in Guelph and Chibelline's
argument here, so the ignorant will have to chase
work is the constant repetition of their own
t room to restate the details of the
'
there isn
image. The cult of the personality is, of course,
Amadeo Bordiga and his followers, in any case
the central element of all totalitarian art. The
of democracy made by the Italian left-communist
eclipse and re-emergence of this particular
are literate enough to be familiar with the critique
cultural discourse is neither surprising nor difficult
doctrines. I assume that the bulk of my readers
to understand. Unfortunately, it is a very common
they must inevitably adhere to neo-Nazi
mistake to imagine that because Guelph and
s output operates within this tradition,
'
Chibelline
14
13
Single-handedly destroying the hegemonic
I can have whatever I want without any hassle at
'Once the agency knows your cover is blown,
'Sure,' I replied, '
Oh no!
and I'd spare no expense in
these two dickheads were so strapped for cash
Lewis. While Warhol had his anonymous
bizarre Calvinist deviation from the European
It looks like your career in the art world has gone
' Whitebait cried as she covered her mouth
phoned up a friend and told him I was sick of
position enjoyed by the dominant culture is a
all. I just moan to a friend about how my love life
they'll simply send someone else after me, better
hiring a top-flight edit suite so that I could turn
that they
kaput,
'd taken to counterfeiting work by the
assistants, Beuys
with a hand. '
' neo-Steinerean practice was
norm. It was a tragedy when the Gresham family
' Hannah spat at Chibelline as Guelph
This can't be true!'
blondes, what I really wanted was a girl in her
major task and I've dedicated the better part of
is getting a bit jaded, and what I really need is a
the devil you know! Besides, you
dropped down dead.
mid-twenties who'
're a fine looking
the footage into the biggest grossing video
Vorticist Wyndham Lewis. Since art is a bulwark
predicated on the juxtaposition of felt and fat, hot
chased the Hanseatic League from Britain,
d enjoyed a traditional
'It fucking well is bitch, so tough shit!' I snapped.
my adult life to this chore. As a consequence, I
bitch.'
release of all time.'
and cold, shaman and people, etcetera. This
subsequently establishing their Rosicrucian
upbringing in a matriarchal tribe, but had
've
six foot plus Nigerian girlfriend with a doctorate in
of the liberal state, the CIA felt their hands were
'Oh no!
'
' the pisshead wailed as he plunged the
And if you don't believe me, why don't you come
tied, it would reflect very badly on them if it ever
tendency reaches its apogee in the work of
Invisible College, and a front operation in the
subsequently got a first class degree in pure
'
Cunt Lickers
landed in all sorts of odd situations, and very
communist economics and a successful career as
Do you really think so?
Wow,' Serf cried, '
' Hannah pouted.
why haven
knife into his own chest. '
't I thought of doing
I wouldn
on in and take a look for yourself. 't have killed
often end up in media watering holes or
a model, and the spooks get it sorted. The
came out that one of their agents had knocked off
Guelph and Chibelline, whose monumental
form of the Royal Society. What we say is no
mathematics. A few hours after I'd made the call,
this before? Let
him if I'
's get to it!'
d been sober, but then I've been drunk for
'Sure,' I replied, 'the agency has been
Whitebait pushed past me and rushed into the
Anonymous
frequenting parties thrown by the rich and
bastards bug my phone, so I might as well make
Guelph and Chibelline, which is why they wanted
photography upholds a particularly vile form of
more brothers wars. The British people have got
Hornblower dropped by to say she was
the past thirty years!'
famous, where I munch nouvelle cuisine and quaff
use of this snooping by letting them know what
investigating me for years and it knows my type,
I had a video eight camera in my bag, and aimed
me to do the dirty work.
patriarchy with its simultaneous expression and
to recognise that ultimately they are of German
studio. She charged over to Chibelline
disappointed I wasn'
's inert bulk
t going to settle down with
very expensive wine at somebody else
good looking and smart!
'That's a job well done! '
's expense.
type of field agent will interact most successfully
the thing at Serf as he prepared a hot shot. The
denial of male sexual community. Add to this the
extraction, once we are fully reconciled with our
' Hornblower announced as
and pulled the knife from his chest. Then sobbing
her. However, to show there were no hard
I spent some time going through all the angles
On this particular occasion, I found myself in a
with me.
no-hope author whose career was based entirely
use of anonymous youth as a symbol of the virile
cousins across the sea, Europe can be Great once
Chibelline snuffed it.
hysterically, the K Foundation Award winner
feelings, she gave me a suitcase filled with used
'I like you!' Hannah bellowed as she threw her
with Hannah, and eventually we agreed that we'd
hotel bar in Bloomsbury, having received a
on hype, connections and marriage, sat in one of
masses, and the result is the most extreme form
again!'
plunged the blade again and again into
notes, it was the entire million pound reward for
Anyway, I led Hannah out of the bar and up to
arms around my neck and kissed me.
keep quiet about the fact that I'd rumbled her
Then the spook pushed me back against the sofa
mysterious phone call from a young woman who
the cubicles and stuck the needle in his vein. He
of totalitarian art so far produced within the
Chibelline's lifeless form. Hornblower pulled a
smashing the Wyndham Lewis counterfeit ring.
the John, which was pretty plush. I told the bitch
cover. After all, while I wasn
'Up the Patriarchy!
't interested in doing
' Chibelline yelled.
and pressed her lips against mine. Split-seconds
said she had something she wanted to give me.
'What about me?' Serf snivelled from where he
looked ecstatic as blood bloomed in the dropper.
context of a liberal culture.
mobile from her bag and used the speed dialling
Toni Duffer, the ugly duckling of the art world,
to plate me and she got down on her knee in front
the CIA's dirty work, particularly if I wasn't going
later, there was a knock on the door. Hannah
was still sprawled on the toilet floor.
Five minutes later he
'
'd passed out. I shut the
Death to Cunt Lickers!' Guelph roared.
function to call up logistical support. Minutes
had been arrested and almost immediately
'Mr. Blissett?' a blonde-bombshell enquired as I
of the urinals. As Hornblower swallowed my dick,
to be paid, I did want to take out Guelph and
Hornblower had befriended several faded
released her grip on me and staggered up, clearly
cubicle door and reflected that it was no great
later, armed cops kicked in the door. Whitebait
hanged himself in a police cell. Hannah didn't
was ordering a glass of house red at the bar, and
I stood there wondering why there isn
'What about you?' I snarled. '
frustrated that we weren'
You'
't a wank
re a sad Oxford
Chibelline who were even more reactionary than
members of the glitterati who hung around the
We like very much to be Artists, we like very
t going to get down to
loss that I hadn't had time to buy fresh film
was still plunging the knife into Chibelline
need the philanthropist'
's bloody
s dosh, since she was
once I'd confirmed my identity she continued, '
junkie, so what?'
Toni Duffer Gallery, all of whom had acquired
much to be Nazis!' they chanted in unison. '
any serious sexual athletics just yet.
I'm
rag called something like IQ for guys who get off
the average representative of serious culture. As
Ours
earlier in the day. After all, no one would be
corpse, while Hannah and I cowered behind the
getting twenty million knicker from the Pope.
Hannah Hornblower, we spoke on the phone.
Guelph and Chibelline pictures on the never
is an Art of the People, and we are the Great '
on intelligent chicks, after all with the increasing
'Don
It' 't,' Serf sobbed, 'that's too close to the truth,
my escort and I were preparing to leave, Solomon
interested in sordid footage of yet another
s probably the bloody neighbours come to
sofa as the sculptor's bulk was peppered with
segmentation of the market, pornographers seem
Thursday came over and plonked himself down
never. We found the pop singer Bernard Barge in
Leader who will abolish the decadence of abstract
'By the way Blissett,' Hannah laughed as she left,
'What are you drinking?
bullets.
' I enquired.
I am a sad Oxford junkie but it isn
complain about the noise!
't my fault.
miserable little junkie putting an end to his
' Hornblower fumed. 'I
to be catering for every other taste. While I
painting, bringing beauty into the lives of ordinary
When I was a child my mother used to tell me she
beside Hornblower.
an overpriced restaurant. Having acquired several
'good luck with Zulinda. You said you wanted a
pathetic life. I had at least done Serf's kids a
should have turned this abysmal Hitler speech off
'The same as you,
Thank God you
babe who'
'
' Hannah simpered.
pondered this, the door to the bog swung open
men. We unite the Worker, the Peasant and the
ve arrived!' Hornblower hollered
wished she'd had me aborted. I had a terrible
Guelph and Chibelline pictures, Barge had a
d grown up in a matriarchal tribe and
great favour, they wouldn
'
'
before trying to snog you! t have to grow up with
I am the great Solomon Thursday,
'
' the prat
and in marched the twat who'd been ogling
standing invitation to visit their Fournier Street
Solider, so that they can march happily into the
as she leapt up and threw her arms around a
had a first in pure mathematics, and I'm warning
As we sat down, I clocked some upper class berk
upbringing and when I tried to follow in my
a junkie for a father.
announced as he reached out and grabbed
Hannah in the downstairs bar.
studios. Bernard wrung the promise of a date out
Great National Socialist Future!
female sharp-shooter. '
you now, she'
'
As Hannah pressed the eject button on the CD,
We came here to visit
s one stroppy cow!'
ogling Hornblower, both this prat and his mates
father's footsteps, I was turned down by the CIA,
Hannah's tits, 'and I want to make passionate
We went back to the bar and this time Hannah
of Hannah in return for introducing her to his
there was a second knock on the door. I got up
Guelph and Chibelline. Somewhat later, Roseanne
were dressed up in tweeds, which along their loud
'Who are you?
love to you!' ' this idiot demanded.
they said my drug habit made me unreliable.
Rather than constituting a single a '
'
Great Leader,
Originally published in 1996 as a limited edition '
paid for the wine. This caused me to reflect that
artist chums. As a precaution against the
and answered the summons, only to be
Whitebait dropped by and began ranting about
conversation made it plain to everyone in the
'Fuck off you talentless moron!' Hornblower
I might have imagined these two idiots becoming
pamphlet under the Imprint 93 banner. Stewart
'Luther Blissett,
'Why don'
' I informed the bozo as I shot my
t kill yourself,' I suggested.
going to university tends to have a better effect
possibility of jealousy, Hornblower told the former
confronted by a very ugly woman in her
how her friends were mass producing fake
establishment that they were literary types.
screamed as she punched the novelist on the
a hydra-headed monster if they hadn
Home also produced '
't been such
Will Self Is Stupid' badges
load.
on birds than blokes. Bitches with a degree have
pop star that I was her art mad brother. Having
late-thirties, whose long red hair was flying all
Wyndham Lewis paintings and selling them
Taking a second glance at these twits, I realised
nose. 'I know all about you and your chum
buffoons. Besides, my objection to what they did
as part of Matthew Higgs' Imprint 93.
usually picked up at least the bare bones of a
over the place.
through the Toni Duffer Gallery. When Guelph and