XXX Schoolgirl Photos Inside
Will trade copy of
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Slant for Newcomer.
Vol. V, Issue 1
Nude Girls Inside!
The SlantViagra And Cialias,
Details Inside
w
Consolidate
ww.thesla
Your Loans Here
nt.net
Updating Windows... Since 1886
Coupons To Your Favorite
INSIDETHISISSUE
Restaurants, Included
Tri-Delt's Desired Screenname
Already Taken By Other Tri-Delt
Make More Money, Find Out How, pg.4
Ashley Olsen Donates Liposuctioned
Fat to Ailing Twin
Abominable Snowman
Get Your University Degree!
Actually Quite Tolerable
5BEERShortage Leaves Drought Of
Beer, Explanations
Hottest MILFS Here
6FINANCE
Dollar Falls, Stares Angrily
At Sidewalk
FRESHMEN
XXX Schoolgirl
7Sock Not Indicative Of Sex,
Say Hallmates
Other News
2
Fucked Image
4
Photos Inside
Bastard Confession
10
Around The Loop
11
Enlarge Your Penis! No Surgery!
Horoscopes
11
Advice Column
12
Get A Second Mortgage Today
Top Ten List
12
2
OTHERNEWS
The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004
Ted Kennedy Stopped At Airport,
Edvard
Freshman Promises To Stay Sober In
Beaten With Bamboo Clubs
Munch's The
College, Fails
Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy was
Scream
The efforts of Brandon Kilauea, a freshman
stopped last Friday while waiting to board a
Stolen...Again
at Vanderbilt University, to stay sober
flight to Washington, the latest of several
Edvard Munch's
throughout his college career failed last
times the beleagured and corpulent senator
famous painting,
Tuesday, roughly three days after his arrival
has found his name on airline watch lists.
The Scream, was
on campus. University experts agree that his
While waiting for a complete body cavity
stolen from its
similarly-themed pledge to stay celibate
search by Transportation Security
Oslo, Norway,
until marriage will meet a similar end "once
Administration officials, Kennedy was beat-
home this week
the beer goggles kick in."
en by airport security staff wielding bamboo
in broad day-
rods. A White House spokesman, when
light. This is the
Policeman Vows To Avenge Slain
asked about the instrument, replied that
second time the
Partner
"the President was certainly not seeking
painting has been stolen in recent years,
Officer Rodney Ames, of the New York
vengeance for past wrongs, and any viola-
shedding much of the blame for the recent
Police Department, vowed to avenge the
tion of Ted Kennedy was coincidental."
heist on museum security director Olaf
death of his partner, Officer Dan Cordell,
Johannson. "Boy was my face red," Olaf con-
last Thursday. Cordell, who had been shot in
73
Olympic Swimmer
fessed. "We probably should have improved
a gunfight with members of James "the
Confused With
security the first time this happened, but we
Viper" Aldridge's crime syndicate in the grit-
Angry Preacher
didn't think lightning could strike twice, ya
Days since
ty urban jungle that is New York last
June 13,
Michael Phelps,
know?"
Wednesday, died at 3:26 A.M. the following
2004.
recent Olympic gold
You’ve had
morning. According to witnesses at Holy
medalist, has reached
Ziggy Condom
this much
Sepulchre Hospital, Ames delivered a pro-
the pinnacle of ath-
Sales At All-
time to
fanity- and tear-laden monologue before
legally
letic achievement,
Time Low
pulling the bedsheet over his deceased part-
sleep with
but still finds that the
The latest attempt
the Olson
ner's body. He then left to wreak vengeance
average American confuses him with Fred
to merchandise a
twins. And
on Aldridge and his ilk.
Phelps, preacher and proprietor of god-
comic strip has
failed.
hatesfags.com. "Michael Phelps," said Peter
failed, as a promo-
Vandy Football Looks Toward
LaRouche, average American, "isn't he that
tional tie-in with
Rebound Season
priest who's always bitching about gays?"
Trojan flopped in
Facing a number of relatively weak teams,
When informed of Michael Phelps's
the first half of 2004. "Apparently people just
Vanderbilt players and coaches are expect-
achievements and the differences between
didn't want to use birth-control devices
ing a rebound year this fall, shooting for
him and the similarly-named clergyman,
emblazoned with the likeness of my sort-of
upwards of four wins. "If I can't lead this
LaRouche shrugged and returned to not giv-
penis-shaped cartoon character," announced
team to a better record than last year, I
ing a shit about swimming.
Tom Wilson, cartoonist. "That, however,
deserve to be shot," said a confident Jay
will not stop me from using 25,000 of the
Cutler at a press conference Saturday.
Rick James Dead; Chappelle Sketch
damned things myself, if I have to." Wilson's
Coach Bobby Johnson appeared with Cutler,
Lives On
ambitious plan, however, fell flat, as he
but only quietly mumbled, "You got that
According to
could not find a woman willing to have sex
right," after the quarterback's statement.
wire reports,
with him.
Johnson was reportedly seen later that day,
the memory
purchasing a gun and ammunition.
of 1980s pop
star Rick
James contin-
ues to be des-
FAMED CHEF DIES
ecrated by
fans of The Dave Chapelle Show constantly
spouting the catchphrase "I'm Rick James,
bitch!" A recent survey of Chapelle's fans
Julia Child Cremated With Rosemary, Hint of Lemon
found that over 90% had never heard of Rick
James prior to the sketch, and that, contrary
Deceased television chef, shark repellent developer, and former OSS file
to popular belief, the catchphrase was never
clerk Julia Child, who passed on at the age of 91, was cremated in a truly
funny. Nonetheless, those who had almost
culinary fashion recently. "Rosemary is an member of the mint family
forgotten the sketch now remember, as
with aromatic evergreen needles, often used in cooking, the taste of
America's would-be funnymen dredge up
which blends perfectly with roasted meats of all types," Child wrote in
humor of which the rest of the country grew
her will. "And a hint of lemon will make my funeral simply delightful."
tired months before.
Added Child, "You don't have to cook fancy or complicated masterpieces
-- just good food from fresh ingredients."
Julia Child, Former Chef
08.25.2004
MASTHEAD
CONTENTS
3
Separate But Equal...
since 1886
188 Madison Sarratt Student Center
CHILD ABUSE SPACE
NEWS
2301 Vanderbilt Place
VU# 351669 Station B
OTHER NEWS: R.I.P. Julia Child
Nashville, TN 37235
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2
Phone (615)322-3291
BEER: Where? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5
Fax (615)-343-2756
website www.theslant.net
MONEY: Dollar Getting Unstable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6
STAFF
HONOR: Code Taken Seriously By One . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .6
Editor-in-Chief
Colin Dinsmore
FASHION:
Managing Editor David Barzelay
Sock used solely as decoration . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7
Editors
Tim Boyd
WORLD:
Ceaf Lewis
Robert Saunders
Sudanese getting AIDS, not aid . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8
Copy Editor
COLUMNS & HUMOR
Cartoonist
Jason Carpentier
Distribution Managers
SEX:
Andrew Collazzi (Dead)
Brett DiCio
Upperclasswomen are easy, too . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9
Contributing Writers
Evan Alston
Greg Champoux
SEX: Math is easy, too . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9
Claibe Deming
Diabetus
Parker Gray
Richard Green
AROUND THE LOOP: Hurricane Charley . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11
Heather Miliman
Liz Vennum
Alumni Contributors
HOROSCOPES:
Andrew Banecker
Jacob Grier
The Stars Fucking Hate You . . . . . . . . . . . .11
Ben Stark
Jeff Woodhead
SLANT FEATURES
Editors Emeritus
Joe Wong
Mike Mott
CARTOON:
David Barzelay
Meredith Gray
Vandylympics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .4
BASTARD CONFESSION: New Princeton Review Rank 10
POLICIES
ADVICE: Ask A Summer Fling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12
Back Issues
Back Issues can be ordered by sending $5.00 and a
TOP TEN:
description of the issue desired (volume number and
Reasons To Register To Vote . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12
date, if possible) to the address above. Some issues are
no longer available. For a back issue please email
Children, abused. This is not funny. At all.
backissues@theslant.net.
Subscriptions
Mail subscriptions are available for $30.00 a year or
Corrections:
$20.00 per semester. Email subscribe@theslant.net.
Postmaster please send address changes to 2301
Vanderbilt Place, VU# 351669, Nashville, TN 37235-
1669.
In our last issue, we reported upon the history
of Stonehenge. We have recently learned that there
DISCLAIMER
are, in fact, two stonehenges that are completely
unrelated. One is ancient, in England, and has noth-
This entire publication is a work of humor, parody and
satire. You must be over 18 years old to read this pub-
ing to do with sandwiches, whereas the other is here
lication. This publication and the content thereof does
at Vanderbilt, only several years old, and has and
not always reflect the opinions of Vanderbilt Student
Communications, Inc. One copy of this publication is
always will serve sandwiches. We apologize for the
available free to members of the Vanderbilt communi-
confusion.
ty; additional copies are available for five dollars each.
If The Slant offends you, please do not read it. Support
our advertisers, if we have any.
Also in our last issue, we reported that the
Hustler recieved 17,984 votes for worst campus
Copyright © 2004, The Slant.
publication. After a recount, we have found that
All rights reserved
they received only 17,982 votes. Thus, The
Congress shall make no law respecting an
Vanderbilt Review is the worst publication, as voted
establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free
exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of
by you, with 17,983 votes.
speech, or of the press; or the right of the people
peaceably to assemble, and to petition the
Government for a redress of grievances.
4
SLANTFEATURES
The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004
FROM THE EDITOR
Well, it's the first day
of classes, and that means
another first issue of The
Slant. I'm tempted to
spend my entire column
regaling you all with tales
of the adventure and
intrigue I experienced
over the past few months,
but the fact is most of
COLIN DINSMORE
you don't deserve to hear
those stories and I may or may not be exaggerating.
Instead I'll tell you all a bit about what's been
going on recently, especially involving The Slant.
First of all, let me address the freshman class and
tell you all how disappointed I am in you. More
specifically, how disappointed I am in all of your par-
ents. I spent several hours meeting and greeting
them and asking politely if they would like to buy an
ad to send greetings to you for a mere $10. Not only
did I not make a single sale, but I'm pretty sure one
of your parents spit on me.
Fucked Image
Now, I'm strong enough to take such treatment
and move on, but I'm fairly certain that poor Richie
Seen in Wichita, Kansas
Green, my associate salesman, was emotionally shat-
tered by the treatment and is in counseling as we
speak. All that being said, however, I would like to
encourage all of you to come and work for The Slant.
It looks great on a resumé, works wonders on the
dating scene, and you get bonus points with the
Vanderbilt Summer
Greeks during rush!
If I've piqued your curiosity and you do want to
Olympics
work for us, we take writers, photographers, photo-
shop artists, copy editors, groupies, models, stalkers,
and prostitutes. We haven't had an official Slant
prostitute-in-residence for quite some time now, but
we like to refer those times as "the good ol' days."
This particular issue was put together with noth-
ing but two computers, a scanner, and a digital cam-
era. It wasn't easy, but with all of Sunday and several
bottles of wine at our disposal, we managed to make
it work.
Now, to the rest of the Vanderbilt community I
would like to say that I am going to do my best to
carry on the great Slant tradition of offending the
vast majority of you in one way or another over the
next year. If you happen to feel particularly upset
about anything we print, you can post feedback on
our website (theslant.net). For the particularly ambi-
tious among you, you can even send an e-mail to
myself or one of my staff; the addresses are also
found on the website.
Anyways, enjoy the issue. And just remember, it
takes fewer muscles to read the issue than it does to
Carpentooning by Jason Carpentier
throw it away.
August 25, 2004 - www.theslant.net - The Slant
SLANTPOLITICS
5
Nashville Prepares For
Natty Light Shortage
Experts Remain Baffled By Regularity And Severity Of Drought
by COLIN DINSMORE
The citizens of Nashville,
tional to the temperature, that is, as it
sand minors could produce that kind
Tennessee, are busy preparing for the
got colder, less beer was available.
of a shortage is utterly ridiculous,"
Mysterious
annual Natural Light shortage which
This idea, though, has lost credibility
Macalester stated matter-of-factly.
has plagued the city since the brand
in recent years. Economics professor
Nashville mayor Bill Purcell has
of beer was introduced in 1977. The
John Macalester explains, "It was
considered creating beer kitchens in
Drinking On
cyclical Natty-drought begins in late
thought that worsening weather
order to ration and distribute what
August and lasts, without fail, until
affected production and output of the
little Natural Light can be found and
The Rise!
the middle of May.
beer, not to mention how reliably it
purchased to his thirsty populace.
Concerned
was shipped. The
Alexi Petrov, Russian immigrant,
beer drinkers
past few years, how-
likens the situation to the many hard-
Consumption
have been
ever, the weather has
ships he faced in Soviet Russia, many
hoarding their
remained summer-
years ago. "There were shortages of
beverage of
like through
bread, heating oil, many things. But
choice into
September and the
always in winter." Petrov remembers.
private stock-
winters have been
While the annual shortage shows
piles to see
relatively mild, yet
no signs of being solved anytime
them through
the shortage contin-
soon, locals are learning to live with
the winter for
ues - August to May.
the problem. Vanderbilt economics
several weeks.
As of late it's even
professors, in fact, are using the
"Normally
gotten worse. I have
annual shortage as a textbook exam-
Natty is easy
no explanation."
ple of demand-pull inflation. "As long
1999 2000 2001 2002 2003
to come by,
When the
as the shortage continues, we might
just drive
drought was first
as well make use of it," said
Explanations
down to the
documented in the
Vanderbilt economics professor
local Mapco and pick up a twelve-
early eighties, it was suggested that
Stephen Buckles. "Still, I feel the
pack," Natural Light drinker Buck
the increased population of the city,
answer is right in front of me,"
Anderson explained. "But from about
the returning college students, could
Buckles continued. "Oh well, I have
the-tail end of August through the
account for the shortage. After fur-
to go teach a class." He then left to
Winter and Spring it's damn near
ther research, though, this was
address his visibly hungover students.
impossible to find."
deemed unlikely. The college stu-
Perhaps one day these same stu-
Theories as to the forces behind
dents accounted for less than 1% of
dents will finally solve the mystery
this mysterious shortage abound.
the increase in population, but
and explain this seemingly unsolvable
Many once believed that the avail-
Natural Light consumption increased
problem.
ability of Natty was directly propor-
4,183%. "The idea that several thou-
1999 2000 2001 2002 2003
6
SLANTNEWS
The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004
Dollar Falls, Stares Angrily International Student Takes
At Sidewalk Crack
Honor Code Seriously
by DAVID BARZELAY
ference, The Dollar stated that it real-
by JOSEPH MATTING
ly covers up her lab quizzes so no one
izes that when it falls, its effects are
can even think about copying. Once I
The Dollar suffered a nasty spill
not isolated and it tends to bring
Though many Vanderbilt students
was getting our group's lab results
Monday, tripping over a crack in a
friendly currencies down with it. One
consider Vanderbilt's Honor Code
from her paper and she got this crazy
dilapidated sidewalk and staring
example is that of The Argentinian
merely a defunct formality, interna-
look in her eyes. She didn't say any-
angrily at it for several seconds.
Peso, which was pulled down along
tional student Ming Lee takes the
thing but she started shaking angrily
According to eyewitnesses, however,
with The Dollar during his latest tum-
Honor Code very seriously.
and kept staring at me with contempt.
the slightly scraped currency made a
ble.
Unlike the many American stu-
It really freaked me out."
quick rebound, standing, brushing
"I am sincerely sorry," explained
dents in her classes who seem, she
Professors and TA's are equally
itself off, and continuing on its jour-
The Dollar. "I know that many other
says, to pay little or no regard to the
bothered by Ming's adherance to the
ney downhill.
currencies are tied to my progress at a
Honor Code, Ming considers adher-
honor code, complaining that she pre-
This was not the first time, howev-
fixed rate, and therefore depend on
ence to the Code a matter of personal
vents the average grades from rising
er, that the cracked sidewalk has
my steadfastness. In the future I will
pride. Why? "It's because of my strict
and is an "all around brown noser"
claimed a victim. Last year, a The Yen
try to walk more steadily, avoiding the
upbringing," she says.
and "somewhat evil."
fell victim to the uneven pavement,
excessive heights which must
"I was raised to hold up honor as
"Jesus Christ," exclaimed Dr.
although it, unlike
inevitably give way
one of the highest virtues," Ming
Gerald Hall, professor of mathemat-
The Dollar, man-
to a long downhill
explains. "Every time I think of cheat-
ics. "I leave the room every once in a
aged to catch itself
slide."
ing, I see the face of my grandfather
while, hoping to God that maybe the
before hitting the
Not all, howev-
and he is frowning in disapproval. I
average will go up because people will
pavement.
er, blamed The
will never forget the time I lied to him
cheat, but no, Ming Lee stands up and
The Dollar's
Dollar for his recent
about taking my sister's doll when I
berates her fellow students for cheat-
rival, The Euro, has
woes, and many
was five. He told me
ing. What a narc."
proved far more
seek to elucidate
the story of the drag-
Teaching assistant
sturdy against the
the conditions that
on and the crane and
Dan Chan also
effects of its envi-
exacerbated the
I have never since
expressed disgust in
ronment. Upon
Dollar's weakness
then lied or cheat-
Ming's compliance
questioning, The
until the time of the
ed."
with the honor code.
Euro adjusted its
fall. "You try mak-
One of Ming Lee's
Chan, a fellow inter-
monocle and clari-
ing it through con-
most memorable
national student
fied its situation,
ditions such as
moments was when
from China, stresses
stating "I have
these without
she proudly signed
that her adherance
remained very col-
falling," demanded
her name onto the
to the honor code
orful and happy
Alan Greenspan.
Honor Code at the
has less to do with
during my jaunts
"The Dow Jones has
beginning of her
her heritage, and
down the sidewalk
been travelling a
freshman year. Most
more with her status
as The Dollar looks
The Dollar, angry.
similar route and he
of the students were
as a "whiny bitch."
on, green with envy
trips and stumbles
signing fake names,
"I'm from China
over my unfettered progress."
almost every other day!"
complaining about
too, but you don't
Local currency traders have
The Chairman of the Federal
the eat, or simply wondering when the
see me all talking about my grandfa-
expressed alarm and concern about
Reserve continued to suggest that,
whole ceremony would be over, but
ther and cranes and dragons and shit,"
The Dollar's recent plunge. "What if
rather than pointing fingers, perhaps
not Ming. "It was a very solumn
said Chan. "If she didn't study all the
The Dollar had fallen and broken
the community of nations should
event," she remembers. "I took a lot of
time, her GPA would be down the toi-
something? What if it were unable to
work to repair such disastrous condi-
time to sign my name, I wanted to
let."
get up?" asked Peng Shan, a Chinese
tions.
savor the moment. The kids behind
Because Ming does not cheat in
investor. "The Dollar has become too
Unfortunately, until The Dollar
me were making fun of me and com-
her classes, she reportedly studies
unstable to count on anymore. All I
regains its traditional stability, many
plaining I was taking too long, but I
between 10 and 15 hours per day. "I
do is worry that this clumsy currency
of its friends are considering spending
don't mind. When the honor council
study so hard," said Ming, "because I
will fall again."
more time with other currencies,
expels them they won't be laughing."
am an honorable student. I do not
Not blind to the problems its col-
claiming that they have grown weary
Ming's honorable habits sometimes
care what the other students say. They
lapse caused, The Dollar promises to
of the recent drama associated with
annoy the other students in her class-
will lead sad, unfulfilling lives." She
try to be more careful in the future.
the Dollar.
es. Says classmate Derrick Mason, a
then proceeded to pass out on top of
During a hastily arranged press con-
member of Ming's chem lab group, "I
her physics book, frothing at the
just don't understand her. She careful-
mouth.
August 25, 2004 - www.theslant.net - The Slant
SLANTNEWS
7
Ronnie constantly sat
prompting a string of curses from
in a pool of his own
Ronnie upon his next bathroom break.
Freshman Puts Black Sock Over Doorknob So grease and rarely wore As Ronnie moved down the hall,
Hallmates Will Think He's Having Sex
a shirt.
Harold attempted to see what was
"Plus, I think he was
happening in the aromatic room, but
men would produce blistering) to
fighting an addiction to Viagra. I don’t
the crafty freshman had locked his
Nobody Fooled
more exotic habits.
normally notice such things or look
door. Upon his return, Ronnie
by CEAF LEWIS
Said one hallmate, who wished not
down there, but the little major was
unlocked the door and shortly after-
to be identified, "I've lived across from
standing at attention every time I saw
ward placed a damp black sock on the
Rumors are flying throughout Dyer
Ronnie for a few weeks now, and I've
him, if you know what I mean.
perpetually-covered doorknob.
Hall concerning the black sock hang-
never seen anyone but him go in or
Anyway, he was always horribly
Upon being interviewed, Ronnie's
ing from freshman Ronnie Williams's
out of that single. I have no idea;
sweaty. Maybe he drowned in a pool of
R.A., Stephen Brass, showed nothing
doorknob. As the fall semester has
maybe a sock on a
his own fluids. That
but concern for his young charge's
begun only recently, speculation has
doorknob means
would explain the
habits. "The weird thing is that he just
grown concerning the bizarrely placed
different things to
smell."
leaves that sock there all the time.
footwear.
people from other
Upon being
How retarded is that? There is no way
According to expert Jim Dreyser,
regions. The sign on
interviewed, Ronnie
he could be having sex every minute of
"Girls don't go out with freshman guys;
his door says that
proved evasive.
every day. Although, that would
it's unheard of. Most freshmen males
Ronnie's from
Trapped in a bath-
explain the smell."
don't even get to see freshman girls
Maine. Maybe he's
room stall by mem-
All possible causes of the Dyer
until the frats have picked the class
fishing for lobsters."
bers of The Slant's
room's stench aside, it is generally
over. The sounds coming from his
Added the hallmate,
news team, he
believed that a solution to the conun-
room seem authentic enough, but he’s
"That would explain
refused to answer
drum of Williams's possible sexual
probably just watching porn."
the smell."
questions. He then
experiences will not be discovered in
The sounds of pornography aside,
As the second
returned to his
the near future, as many Dyer resi-
debate has raged for hours concerning
day of the besocked
room, the sock still
dents believe Williams to possess a
just what, exactly, is happening in the
door continued, the discussion began
hanging from his door.
nearly infinite amount of black socks.
Dyer single. Guesses have ranged from
to spill into other freshman dorms.
Upon hearing for the first time of
Still, they watch and wait, hoping at
everything from overly frequent mas-
According to Alvin Kells, a member of
Ronnie's potential sexual conquests,
last to solve a mystery that has baffled
turbation (although Vanderbilt scien-
Williams's VUcept group, "Yeah, I
fellow Dyer resident Harry McCree
the beleagured Vanderbilt population
tists agree that such a strenuous regi-
don't buy this whole having sex thing.
removed the sock from the door,
for days.
Colorado State Prison Basketball Team Awaits Kobe Verdict
by ROBERT SAUNDERS
"That really broke the team's spir-
However no charges were filed. "We
about his role on the team. In a state-
it," said point guard Vernon Fielder
could have used some size and bench
ment through his lawyers, Bryant said,
The Kobe Bryant rape trial has
(possession with intent to distribute).
depth," said Reid.
"Where I play next year is still up in
been a constant feature on Sports
The team dropped to a dismal 4-11
The team may have to wait awhile
the air. I will play wherever I'm treated
Center and throughout the nation's
record in the six-team prison league.
for Bryant, too. The Lakers guard's
right and with the respect I deserve.
sports pages. But nobody is following
However, the prospect of adding
trial is not scheduled to start until
As long as it's not the Clippers, I'm
the story more closely than the mem-
Bryant, who faces 25 years to life in
August and may take several months,
willing to play for anyone, in any
bers the Centennial Correctional
prison, promises long-term success for
meaning he could miss several months
league. I just want to fit in, like with
Facility/Colorado State Penitentiary's
the squad, brightening the day of jail-
of training camp and the first part of
that white girl at the hotel."
basketball team.
ers and prisoners alike.
the prison's regular season. Even
That is because the maximum
"I really hope this will lead to a
worse, he might cop a plea or be found
security prison will become Bryant's
book deal for me, maybe a movie like
not guilty, thereby avoiding prison
home if convicted on the rape charges
'The Longest Yard' or 'Stir Crazy,'" said
time altogether.
levied against him by a 19-year-old
warden Larry Reid. "Denzel
Still, the team is willing to accomo-
hotel employee.
Washington is a natural to play me."
date him if and when he is transferred
Once a major power, CCF's team
"I was born to dish the rock,
to custody. "His presence might dis-
fell on hard times when the state
whether it's crack or roundball, you
rupt our rotation and lead to some
stepped up its death sentences begin-
know what I'm saying," said Fielder.
jealousies on and off the court," said
ning in 2001, costing the team its cen-
"I'm looking forward to having him fill
coach and head of the prison's solitary
ter and leading rebounder, James
the lane on the break. Nobody lays the
confinement divison J. Lloyd Greaves.
"Hate" Williamson (double-homicide).
'oops likes I does."
"But we'll work him in as best we can.
Also, former leading scorer Dontrelle
The squad nearly had a bonanza on
This kind of talent only comes along
"D-dog" Jamison (armed robbery, rape)
its hands after University of Colorardo
once in a lifetime."
was shivved in 2002.
football players were accused of rape.
Bryant by contrast has been quiet
8
SLANTWORLDNEWS
The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004
Sudan Crisis: West To Offer All Forms Of
Assistance, Short Of Help
US to provide righteous indignation, Europe to offer touching empathy
List Of
Unhelpful Aid
Received So Far
From America:
Thoughts, prayers.
From Canada:
Hockey sticks, tundra.
From Mexico:
Unskilled labor.
by TIM BOYD
Speaking in the White House Rose
that it's on the TV night after night is
From Great Britain:
Garden, President Bush held up
really starting to get me down. There's
Best wishes.
As the crisis in the Sudan continues to
America's end of the bargain. "I hereby
only so much coverage of the lives of
escalate, Western governments have
commit the United States to offer all
the countless number of people in the
From Italy:
responded to the media becoming
means of assistance, to bear any bur-
world who are forced to desperately
Fine leather, Ferraris.
aware of a civil war they have long
den and pay any price in the name of
struggle to survive living in conditions
known was going on by calling on all
liberty, freedom and justice" said the
I can barely conceive of that I can real-
From Germany:
freedom-loving nations around the
President "Of course, this depends on
ly watch. I prefer my reality TV a little
National Socialism.
world to help the citizens of Darfur in
it not causing the slightest inconven-
less real."
any way they can, as long as it doesn't
ience for the American public. But my
However, should the media stay inter-
From Taiwan:
entail any actual costs or sacrifices.
adivsers tell me that it is a good idea to
ested and pressure from the situation
Boxes of bootleg DVDs.
Following a summit meeting of
get the words 'liberty', 'freedom' and
become so much that more than rhet-
European Union leaders, British Prime
'justice' into as many speeches as pos-
oric is needed, Secretary of State Colin
From China:
Minister Tony Blair announced that a
sible before November."
Powell has promised that any inter-
Second-born children.
rescue package for the war-ravaged
Across the Western World, there was
vention will be short, violent and
Sudanese had been agreed, whereby
almost limitless sympathy from the
largely ineffective. "To commit ground
From Japan:
the US would provide stirring calls for
general public. "Oh it's
forces to an unstable nation is always
Schoolgirls’ panties.
action and European governments
awful, just awful," said Sarah
going to cost money and American
would guarantee a limitless supply of
Thompson of London, England, "To
lives if it has to be sustained over a
From Mongolia:
heartfelt empathy.
see all those people with no homes, no
period of time. We can probably put
Hordes.
"In a global community such as ours,
running water and those children liv-
up with flying in a few elite units to
the suffering of one human being
ing in constant fear, it's just dreadful.
blow up the odd rebel training camp,
From Russia:
should be the concern of every human
Of course, I'm not sure I can really
but anything more than that might
One space station, used.
being. It is unthinkable that we should
afford to do anything about it all - I
require seriously grappling with the
see such horrible suffering and yet
mean, I have problems of my own -
intricate web of social, economic and
From the Vatican
stand idly by and say nothing" said the
that second car cost me a packet, let
political problems the region is facing,
Indulgences.
Prime Minister "accordingly, the time
me tell you. But really, you can't help
and god knows where that might lead."
has come to speak out whilst standing
feeling sorry
Asked if he thought that this sort of
From Somalia:
idly by. The time has come to commit
for them. I'm sure someone else will
approach would actually help get rid
Malnourishment.
ourselves to hand-wringing posturing
think of a way to help them."
of the problem, Powell was optimistic.
and empty rhetoric
But alongside the sympathy, there are
"Absolutely" he told reporters "I'll bet
From Australia:
to make it clear to those suffering
also signs that people may be growing
six months from now we won't be
Steve Irwin.
through this terrible crisis that they
tired of news footage from the Sudan.
hearing anymore about Sudan and its
are not without friends in this world,
"Don't get me wrong, I sure wouldn't
problems. And if we don't see it on our
From Iraq:
they are simply without any friends
want to live there," said New York resi-
TV screens, it must have been sorted
Thoughts, prayers.
willing to do much to help them."
dent Jonathan Jackson, "But the fact
out, right?"
9
August 25, 2004 - www.theslant.net - The Slant
SLANTFEATURES
I May Not Be A
When X Is Cubed
Freshman, But
I’m Still Easy
An Academic Love Affair
by NATE KARSTENS
guiding it toward her empty set and
by HEATHER MILIMAN
so please drunk dial me sometime and
Syndicated Columnist
filling the set with his solutions.
Junior Columnist
I’ll demonstrate.
Algebra, geometry, trigonometry; all
We really shared some special times
The alleyway was dark. But, then
became clear to her as the math simpli-
Okay boys, this is getting a little
last year; like when you and five of
again, so was
fied the complex curvature of her body.
ridiculous. Freshman year, when I was
your brothers gave me a tour of the
every other
She understood everything as she
stumbling around frat row in an alco-
house--it’s amazing how many bed-
alleyway on
approached the peak of her ecstasy.
holic haze, you thought I was just the
rooms I saw.
this murky
But he wasn’t done with her yet. He
hottest thing ever, yet this year, you
Independent guys just don’t know
November
pulled two more integrals from his
blithely skip over me for the new crop
how to make a special cocktail quite
night.
pocket and added them to the pleas-
of blondes. I thought we had some-
like you do. It was totally cool of you
Ordinarily she
ure. He used his triple integral to pen-
thing special, but now when I try my
guys to let me pass out on your couch
wouldn’t have
etrate the trench of her monkey’s sad-
signature stumble-into-you-and-acci-
all those times; I always wondered
traveled such a
dle. The density equation was applied
dentally-spill-my-Beast-on-your-shoes
what happened to all of my thongs,
forbidding
to find her one spot – the point of
move, I barely even get groped. I miss
though.
path to get home to her apartment,
inflection. His fuzzy math caressed her
our special times together on some cig-
But these days I never get attention.
but that damn clown was selling bal-
body. Together they explored each
arette-burned frat couch, or in my
I've worked off the freshman fifteen,
loons again, and so she had to use the
other’s surface areas, comparing their
Kissam single (or, you
and I even bought a
back way.
volumes and rates of change as they
know, in the bathroom or
pleated Abercrombie
At first she didn’t notice the man;
commingled with bliss. He applied a
in a Towers elevator).
skirt. To the untrained
not until he was right in front of her
vector field to her region, calculating
So maybe I no longer
eye, I could practically be
did she sense his presence. He was tall
the outward flux of her fluids.
have that barely-legal
a freshman! But you still
and dark and seemed only to be wear-
Despite their enjoyment, she knew
eighteen year-old,
don't give me a second
ing a long trench coat. His sudden
she couldn’t take it much longer; she
straight out of high
look. It's like I have a sign
appearance startled her, but before she
was nearing the end of her behavior
school appeal, but now
on my back that says,
had time to run he spread open his
model. She dreaded her asymptote
I'm much more likely to
"Tainted" or something.
coat, revealing…
even as she approached it, for it would
roll in the sheets with
Now, I'm not saying
“Math books!” she gasped as she
mean the end of her tutoring. But as
you. Remember I lost
that we have to be best
gazed in wonder. “Oh! I love math
she grew steadily closer to the change
more than just my new
buds again, but we could
books!” Then she looked whistfully
of slope she found the endurance to
Gucci purse at your
still see each other once
into his eyes and whispered the words
surpass it. She had never felt this pow-
house on move-in weekend, after all.
in a while! Just a few times a year at
he longed to hear: “Show me your
erful before. But it was not meant to
If that doesn't do it for you, let me
least, try picking me up. I mean, it
math.”
last. Simultaneously they screamed
tell you something else, I no longer
should really be in your best interest,
The math was good. Very good. The
with the intense pleasure of the other’s
think oral sex is icky either. While you
considering how easily you'll succeed.
power of his intellect filled the alley-
trigonometric substitutions. Then sud-
boys were busy spanking your new
So if it’s not too much trouble, next
way like a can of tear gas, piercing her
denly it was over.
pledges' asses, I was perfecting my
time you see me wandering along the
primal reason and replacing it with the
“You’re the best instructor I’ve ever
technique and learning a few new
Row in my happy intoxicated state, do
essence of sensuality. The z-compo-
had,” she said as she stared deep into
tricks from my talented sisters in Delta
me a favor and at least throw me a
nent of his applied gradient vector rap-
his eyes. “Thank you.” And then she
Tau. I think my phone number is still
idly became positive. She swiftly
cheesy pickup line... or grab my ass.
walked away.
written on the wall in your bathroom,
grasped the long curve of his integral,
www.theslant.net
For more info about joining, subscriptions, web-only content, staff bios, contact info, feedback, and more.
10
SLANTSAFARI
The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004
Join
Lots of fun, resume boosting, social, funny, and if it’s
your first meeting, we’ll make fun of you for free!
Tuesday, 8/24, 6:30pm, Sarratt 116
Tuesday, 8/31, 6:30pm, Sarratt 116
Tuesday, 9/07, 6:30pm, Sarratt 345
Bastard Confession
PUB TRIVIA
"I can't believe
is back again.
Trinity beat us out
for least diverse and
Most Thursdays.
tolerant student
body! Personally, I
blame it on the
Check the Pub for
damned Jews."
- E. Gordon Gee
details.
August 25, 2004 - www.theslant.net - The Slant
SLANTHUMOR
11
AROUND THE LOOP
SLANTHOROSCOPES
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You'll discover the partner of your dreams, only to realize
How were you
that Vladimir Putin is already married.
affected by
Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
Hurricane
Your worst fears will be confirmed when the grocery store has
only vanilla pudding, not chocolate.
Charley?
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
After drinking a bottle of Piesporter Michelsberg Spaetlese,
you'll realize you don't want to put this issue together.
Terry Mewson, Junior
Katie Flanagan, Sophomore
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You'll wake up in bed next to a very dirty hobo and tell
yourself it was a hazing ritual, when in reality, you were just
“My family lost our house.
“It made my arms blow all
drunk and he smelled sexy like musk.
But I think that had more
around like this.”
to do with my father’s
alcoholism and non-pay-
Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
ment of the mortgage.”
Think of a yes or no question. Got it? No.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
You will learn firsthand that the tigers in the zoo do not
want be hugged.
Blacky Willis, Hobo
David Barzelay, Wants Collazzi Dead
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Neptune being in Pisces suggests you really aren't very
smart.
“My entire shanty-town
“If only it had hit New
was destroyed. It was the
Jersey instead of Florida,
worst thing to happen to
perhaps Andrew Collazzi
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
us since the advent of No
would have died. Ah well,
Loitering laws.”
there’s always that meteor
Aries was the God of War, but you're just bitchy.
shower next month.
Maybe that’ll get him.”
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Was that coffee you drank today poisoned? You'll just have
to wait until tomorrow to find out!
Molly Evans, Freshman
Aaron Marzal, Conspiracy Theorist
Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
If people were plants, you'd be the sunflower, because peo-
ple pretend to like you, but deep down, you're just a weed.
“Thankfully, I was wear-
“The Bush administration
ing Chanel brand smear-
orchestrated that hurricane
less mascara and had used
in order to shift media
Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Paul Mitchell Super-Hold
focus away from recent
Check out the name of your sign. Bingo.
hairspray, so I was unaf-
failings in Iraq policy! Do
fected by the raging winds
you really think it’s a coin-
and rain.”
cidence that that hurricane
Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
happened at the same time
Your favorite pet will die, which is sad. But... it was plot-
new allegations arose?”
ting to kill you, so really, you're fortunate.
12
ASSPAGE
The Slant - www.theslant.net - August 25, 2004
Ask A Summer Fling
Top Ten Reasons To
Dear Summer Fling,
Dear Pondering,
I made a huge mistake on my
There there, don't cry my love. Don't you realize that
Register To Vote
taxes, and now I'm being
what we have had here transcends the confines of a
Show Iraqis that registering to vote is
audited! How will I explain
monogamous relationship. After all, when you go
your patriotic duty, but it doesn't mean
my harem of wives?
home you'll be busy with your tribunal and all, and
10 you haveto vote if you've got something
E. Gordon Gee
I'm sure you'll find a lucky guy/girl - would it really
else better to do.
Dear E.,
be fair to him/her to be holding on to what we had?
The memories we've had here
Let's not force this; I'll always remember you.
Bonus points in PoliSci.
will last forever. Remember when we went skinny
S.F.
9
dipping in the cove and the waters glittered under
8 With advent of electronic voting, don't the moon, highlighting the beauty and innocence of Dear Summer Fling,
miss out on opportunity to give
our youth? I promise E., I will never forget you. Keep
There are American soldiers storming my mosque!
L33tV0+erXX another vote.
in touch!
What should I do?
S.F.
Muqtada al-Sadr in Morgan
7
Dear Muqtada,
Declaring your party affiliation to your
Dear Summer Fling,
OMG! I'm so sorry. It must feel like the whole world
parents takes you one step closer to
I was watching an episode of Jackass, and I got the
is toppling down. Don't worry, even though we're not
coming out of the closet.
great idea to staple my balls to my leg. Jesus Christ
going out anymore, we can still talk all the time. Best
6
on a crucifix, it hurts like all holy hell! What should I
wishes! I had so much fun!
Can influence U.S. policy on... issues and
do?
S.F.
stuff. And in so doing, improve the... you
Stapled Crotch Guy
know... something about the future.
5
Dearest Crotch,
Dear Summer Fling,
Don't worry, we can always see each other next sum-
I need a date for my frat's formal, what should I do?
Want to be sure the right candidate is
mer. You were my first; and my best - I promise! The
Lonely in Lewis
voted The Swan this time.
beauty of what we've had together will never fade in
Dear Lonely,
4
my mind, and I shall always recall you fondly when I
I can't believe you're already looking for somebody
"I Voted" stickers are this season's
revisit the thrills of my youth. Stay cool!
else! I know we're broken up and I shouldn't be jeal-
brushed denim.
S.F.
ous, but don't you think it's kinda soon for that?
3
S.F.
It says in the Bible that not voting for
Dear Summer Fling,
George W. Bush is a sin, and you don't
While rescuing Lithuanian refugee orphan cripples
Dear Summer Fling,
want to go to h-e-double-hockey-sticks.
from land mines earlier this summer, I fell and one
Why did I go out with you? The sex wasn’t even that
2
of those nasty brats stole my Prada handbag. I beat
good.
To pick up hot voter chicks and sex them
the living hell out of that little shit, then realized I
Governor Jim McGreevey in Gillette
up behind the curtains.
had caught the wrong urchin, and now I'm facing a
Dear Jim,
1
UN war crimes tribunal. My question is this...is it
I have no idea, but you’ll be hearing from my
Get juice and cookies! What? That's for
too soon to start looking for a date to winter formal?
lawyers. Shalom!
donating blood? Well fuck voting, I'm
Pondering Pradaless
S.F.
going to the Bloodmobile.
Dearest Slant Reader,
You are cordially invited to join the staff of The Slant.
We are friendly, monied, and well-bred, and our meetings are
social events the likes of which this town seldom sees. You’re
sure to meet a future Mr. or Mrs. Slant Reader. So, come join
us for mint juleps and various cookies. Tuesdays, 6:30pm,
Sarratt 116.
Sincerely yours,
Colin Dinsmore,
Editor-in-Chief
