The Girly Guide
Preteenagers Today – The Girly Guide: Surviving Your Female Tween
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The Girly Guide
Surviving Your Female Tween
By Kendeyl Johansen
"If I ask my 11-year-old daughter, MaKenzie,
if she wants to go to a movie or out for pizza
on the weekend she'll want to go to the mall,"
says Janie Sutton of Las Vegas, Nev.
According to Sutton, MaKenzie is a master of
the third alternative: If given two choices, her
daughter always comes up with a third. "It
makes me crazy sometimes!" says Sutton.
Testing limits and trying to get "their way" are
common practices for female preteens. But
with a little understanding and patience, it's
possible to embrace this and other tween
behaviors.
"Preteens are reaching for independence,
and girls especially are difficult for parents to
raise due to the way the media presents
clothes, makeup and body shapes," says
Bonnie Harris, M.S. Ed., author of When
Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books,
April 2003). "When we see our daughters being influenced by the media or other
outside influences, it really pushes buttons – we're afraid of what's ahead for them
and for us."
Increase the Peace
So how can parents diffuse their buttons and make life with a female tween
easier? Harris recommends letting your daughter make more decisions and
increasing her freedom as she grows. Just the thought of this frightens some
parents, but preteens grow and gain self-confidence as they make decisions and
solve problems.
Harris encourages parents to control their buttons (fears, judgments and
criticisms) by uncovering why a behavior is so upsetting and then diffusing the
button. For example, Anita Willoughby of Park City, Utah, made her tween
daughter, Laurel, change out of a mini-skirt, but later learned her daughter had
taken the skirt to school in her purse so she could change.
"I was livid at first, but then I realized it wasn't the skirt that was making me so
upset," says Willoughby. "I was worried about the image it was giving off and what
the boys would think about my daughter."
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Preteenagers Today – The Girly Guide: Surviving Your Female Tween
She viewed things from
Laurel's point of view and
realized her daughter wasn't
wearing the skirt to make her
mad – she was just trying to
look fashionable. And Laurel,
normally open and talkative,
was so afraid of her mom's
reaction she'd resorted to
sneakiness.
Willoughby took a deep breath
and told Laurel about her
fears. "Laurel knew I disliked
the skirt but not why," she
says. "We discussed my
concerns and then talked for a
long time about Laurel's image
and how she wants to come
across to others. It turned out
her daughter felt awful about sneaking around, and the Willoughbys promised to
talk out future issues. Also, Laurel decided not to wear the skirt to school, and she
started asking for her mother's opinion more often.
Just Say So
Besides diffusing buttons, parents can increase family harmony by talking with
tweens, keeping involved in their lives and getting to know their friends. Adults can
build bridges instead of walls by looking at magazines with a fashion-conscious
tween and discussing thoughts about body types and modesty or watching a
movie together and later talking about the actor's relationships and actions.
"Use everyday life to let your daughter know your values without imposing your
values on her," says Harris. "Find out what she thinks about things and what is
especially important to her. And getting to know what your daughter's friends think
and enjoy can provide additional opportunities for discussion."
Prevent Peer Pressure
To help your tween withstand peer pressure teach her about self-respect, respect
for others and high standards. "When a person believes in herself she is more
likely to make the 'right' decisions in difficult moments," says Mike Domitrz, author
of May I Kiss You? (Awareness Publications, March 2003) and creator of Can I
Kiss You?, an interactive program for schools and campuses. "Students with low
self-esteem are more likely to lower their standards to please others – a very
dangerous and unhealthy behavior."
Many tween girls are already having romantic thoughts about boys, whether
parents are ready for this or not. Domitrz stresses girls need to learn early to
"expect to be respected" and not to tolerate any forms of disrespect.
Watching parents model healthy behavior toward others creates the foundation for
healthy relationships in a preteen's future. And, of course, discussing peer
pressure issues with your preteen will help your child avoid and work through
them.
Kathy Anderson of Taos, N.M., and her 10-year-old daughter, Rachel, have
frequent conversations about peer pressure. Recently a group of Rachel's friends
became "boy-crazy," spending recesses chasing boys and talking about them.
Rachel isn't interested in romance yet, and when she didn't join in with the girls,
they snubbed her. "Rachel felt hurt, but we talked about friendship and what she
wants in a friend," says Anderson. "The next day Rachel decided to build
friendships with kids in her class that share her interests in soccer and dance."
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Preteenagers Today – The Girly Guide: Surviving Your Female Tween
Let Small Stuff Slide
Anderson and her daughter love to laugh at jokes and shop together, and Rachel
has a naturally sunny disposition. But like many female tweens, Rachel is
sometimes moody and emotional. "When Rachel is pouting or moody it works
best for me to just ignore the behavior," says Anderson. "Eventually, when she
wants positive attention she cheers up."
Sutton also faces moody behavior
from MaKenzie. "I tell her she can
be as grumpy and pouty as she
wants as long as it's in her room,"
says Sutton. MaKenzie is social
and doesn't like to be alone for
long, so her bedroom stays are
short.
Little Is Big
Don't underestimate what little
kindnesses mean to your tween.
"Special days and outings are
important to my daughter and me,
but I try to show her love every
day with little things, like helping French-braid her hair or giving her my full
attention while she tells me about her day at school," says Sutton.
Last week MaKenzie had a rough day with a clique at school excluding her. "I
made her favorite dinner: spaghetti and meatballs, cheesy garlic bread and
brownies," says Sutton. "She gave me a big smile and said, 'Thanks Mom. I
needed that!' Life with a preteen is up and down, but after that dinner I felt
appreciated and MaKenzie felt loved. Moments like these make life great."
Want to see more?
q Girl Power: Raising Smart, Bold Girls
q Boy Basics 101: A Survival Guide for Parenting Male Tweens
q Fashion! Beauty! Celebs! Sex! A Look Inside the World of Teen
Magazines
q Talk about it!
About the Author: Kendeyl Johansen is a contributing editor for iParenting Media
and mother of three.
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