Community Action Kit Mock Up Background_10 15 05.p65
Community Action Kit
Helping Preteens and Teens
Build Healthy Relationships
Table of Contents
Campaign Background and Overview
What is CHOOSE RESPECT?
page 1
Why Reach 11- to 14-Year-Olds?
page 2
How This Kit Will Help
page 3
I. Creating Healthy Relationships
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships
page 7
Social Skills for Healthy Relationships
page 8
Learning Relationship Skills
page 10
How Can Adults Help?
page 11
II. Dating Abuse
What Is Dating Abuse?
page 15
Who Is Affected?
page 16
Who Is Most at Risk?
page 17
Early Warning Signs
page 18
The Consequences of Dating Abuse
page 19
III. Involving Parents
Parents’ Roles
page 25
Communication Tips for Parents
page 25
IV. Involving the School
How Can Educators Help?
page 31
Add CHOOSE RESPECT to School Programs
page 32
Communication Tips for Educators
page 35
What Can Schools Do?
page 36
Campaign Background and Overview
i
V. Involving Preteens and Teens
Stepping In to Help a Friend
page 41
VI. Coming Together as a Community
What Is a Community?
page 48
Getting Acquainted with Your Community
page 49
Moving to Action
page 49
Potential Community Partners
page 51
Anyone Can Get Involved
page 53
Actions Community Groups Can Take
page 53
Cultural Competence
page 55
VII. Tips, Handouts, and Resources
Communication Skills
page 59
Safety Tips
page 60
Relationship Questionnaire
page 61
What Would You Do?
page 62
Resources on the Internet
page 63
Helpful Books for Adults
page 66
Helpful Videos for Adults
page 67
Helpful Books for Preteens and Teens
page 69
Protection Through the Legal System
page 70
Enclosures
Brochure—Involving Your Community
Brochure—Information for Parents
Brochure—Information for Guys
Brochure—Information for Girls
Brochure—Information Friends Can Use
Brochure—Information for Educators
ii
Campaign Background and Overview
Campaign Background
and Overview
Campaign Background and Overview
What Is Choose Respect?
CHOOSE RESPECT is a campaign to promote
in future relationships. CHOOSE RESPECT will
healthy relationships and prevent dating (relation-
show teens ands preteens what healthy relation-
ship) abuse. The campaign will reach boys and
ships look like and why they are important.
girls ages 11 to 14—and the adults who care
about them—with messages about healthy
Research has shown that young people who are
relationships. CHOOSE RESPECT messages challenge
victims of abuse, or abusers themselves, are more
harmful beliefs
likely to be victims or abusers
about dating
again in the future. This repeat
abuse and stress
When we talk about
nature of relationship abuse—for
the importance
victim as well as abuser—makes
relationship abuse or violence
of respectful
it doubly important to stop it
in this kit, we’re generally
dating relation-
before it happens.
ships.
talking about romantic
CHOOSE RESPECT messages stress
relationships. The terms
CHOOSE RESPECT
the importance of self-respect and
will teach young
‘dating abuse’ and
respecting others. Respect is the
people how to
foundation upon which all
‘relationship abuse’ are used
recognize and
successful relationships are built.
interchangeably.
avoid unhealthy
Giving kids positive messages
relationships
about giving and getting respect is
while pursuing
important. And research shows
healthy relationships. It will also help preteens
that reaching young people early with positive
and teens know where to seek help if they see or
messages—even before they begin to date—is a
experience dating abuse. The campaign will also
good way to help prevent dating abuse.
help parents, teachers, and other adults under-
stand how to promote positive dating behaviors
The CHOOSE RESPECT campaign uses TV, radio,
and recognize warning signs of dating abuse.
and print ads, as well as brochures, booklets, an
interactive music video maker, and an educational
Not all preteen and teens are dating, but even
video to reach girls and boys and the adults in
those who haven’t started dating have probably
their lives. Radio and TV messages may help raise
thought about what it means to be part of a
awareness of a problem, but people are more
couple. Attitudes and beliefs kids form early will
likely to change attitudes and behavior when
affect how they treat dating partners later in life.
messages are combined with other community
As they deal with peers, young people in middle
activities.
school are learning behaviors that will guide them
Campaign Background and Overview
1
The most effective health communication
Campaign Components
campaigns combine mass media with
Radio and TV public service
community, small group, and individual
announcements
activities.
Print Materials— including booklets
Community youth groups and other organiza-
and posters
tions that care about kids’ futures can support the
CHOOSE RESPECT campaign in many ways, from
Multimedia Materials—including a
one-on-one mentoring to sponsored events. The
Web-based interactive music video
community can challenge ideas that support
relationship abuse and support social skills that
lead to healthy relationships. Dating abuse is
preventable and non-violence is teachable. Be sure
to look at Section VI. Coming Together as a
Why Reach 11- to
Community, for ideas on how the community
14-Year-Olds?
can get involved.
Community activities can reinforce C
Eleven- to fourteen-year-old boys and girls are
HOOSE
R
becoming young adults, but many of their
ESPECT messages. Community events offer the
opportunity for:
attitudes are still being formed and shaped.
Normally, kids in this age group have one foot in
judging the needs of the audience,
childhood and the other in young adulthood.
customizing the message to the audience,
Some are dating already. Others aren’t, although
interacting with members of the audience,
they may be starting to think about it. Kids this
age need positive role models and good informa-
answering specific questions from the
tion about being a part of a “couple.”
audience, and
adding a personal touch.
Adults can sometimes forget how hard it is to be
a teen or preteen. When kids think about dating,
everything’s not automatically clear. Kids may
wonder, “Do we like each other? Are we going
Examples of Supporting
out?” Even kids who have boyfriends or girl-
friends don’t know—if they don’t get good guid-
Community Activities
ance from adults—what’s right and “normal” in
· Special events
relationships. They may turn to friends, who may
· Forums
not know what’s right and “normal” either, for
advice. Whether kids realize it or not, they count
· School presentations
on adults in their lives to model healthy relation-
· Trainings
ship skills and give them relationship guidelines.
· Plays and film screenings
2
Campaign Background and Overview
Young people are constantly learning and develop-
Information on reaching youth early is derived
ing. They’ve already learned many life lessons by
from the Family Violence Prevention Fund
the time they enter middle school. Interest in
document “Promoting Prevention, Targeting
dating becomes important as
Teens: An
preteens become teenagers, and
Emerging
kids want to learn what dating
Agenda to
is all about. Adults can make
Reduce Domes-
sure what kids learn is correct.
tic Violence.”
Talking with young kids openly
and honestly is a great way to
shape their opinions and beliefs
while they are still being
formed.
How This Kit Will Help
The information in this community action kit is not new. This kit is intended to provide a convenient
collection of some existing resources. We’ve put this kit together to give caring adults ideas about how to
help young people choose good relationships. The kit contains a broad overview of existing information
and gives ideas of where to go for more information. Section VII. Tips, Handouts, and Resources lists
some Web sites that are aimed at teenagers. Many of these have been created especially to be readable and
understandable to preteens and teens. This kit is a good starting point but, remember, your opportuni-
ties to learn about preventing dating abuse are endless.
Disclaimer
Throughout this kit you will find numerous references to non-CDC Web sites. These references are intended to give the reader
a starting point to explore the various topics we talk about in this kit. We are not holding these sites up as the “best” or “only”
sources of information; nor do we endorse everything you find on the sites. As always, use a critical eye when researching
anything on the Internet.
Campaign Background and Overview
3
Section I.
Creating Healthy Relationships
Creating Healthy Relationships
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships
People in healthy relationships respect each other. They can talk honestly and freely to each other and
share power and control over decisions. They trust and support each other and respect each other’s
independence. In contrast, an unhealthy relationship is unbalanced. One partner (a person in the rela-
tionship) tries to control the other.
Healthy Relationships
Unhealthy Relationships
The information in the above table has been adapted from the Liz Claiborne-sponsored web site
www.loveisnotabuse.com, Youth Resource www.youthresource.com/our_lives/healthy_relationships,
and the Center for Young Women’s Health at www.youngwomenshealth.org/healthy_relat.html.
Creating Healthy Relationships
7
Many adults can read the descriptions in TABLE 1
the signs of an unhealthy relationship and how to
and see that they could improve their own
help when necessary. This kit not only talks about
relationships. That’s OK—no one is perfect, and
how to form and maintain healthy relationships;
you don’t have to be perfect to talk to kids about
it also gives advice on how to identify and deal
healthy relationships. An open conversation that
with unhealthy relationships.
allows everyone to talk honestly about things
they’ve done right and wrong will
be more meaningful than a
lecture.
Although anyone can become
involved in a less-than-perfect
relationship, the extreme behav-
iors listed in the “unhealthy
relationships” column are never
acceptable. They should be seen as
“red flags” that something is
wrong in a relationship.
Realistically, some young people
may become involved in abusive
relationships. Thankfully, adults
can help. CHOOSE RESPECT offers
information on how to recognize
Social Skills for Healthy Relationships
Children need to learn social skills in order to
The list below, adapted from Liz Claiborne’s
function well in society. Social skills are more
A Parent’s Handbook—How to Talk to Your
than just manners. They help us get along with
Children About Developing Healthy Relationships,
family, friends, classmates, co-workers, and
includes some skills kids need in order to develop
people we date. Without well-developed social
and maintain healthy relationships.
skills, children have a hard time forming and
keeping good relationships. They also may be at
Anger control.
risk of getting involved in abusive relationships.
We all get angry, but how we express our anger
can affect what other people think of us. Kids
need to recognize how they feel when they are
angry. They also need to know how to control
their emotions in healthy ways. For example, they
could count to ten, take a deep breath, or walk
8
Creating Healthy Relationships
away from a situation until they feel more in
control. They need to learn to think before they
Don’t forget to think about
speak, especially if they’re angry. And they should
the kinds of messages kids
know to never express anger through physical
get from the entertainment
violence. Anger can be a cover-up for other
you watch or participate
emotions, like fear. Rather than cover-up true
in—movies, television,
emotions, kids should think about why they feel
music. Make sure kids have
angry and work to find a positive solution. For
good adult role models to
more tips on managing anger, see the American
Psychological Association’s Warning Signs Web
help them make
site at www.apahelpcenter.org/featuredtopics/
responsible decisions, in
feature.php?id=38. Click on DEALING WITH
spite of the unhealthy
ANGER and CONTROLLING YOUR OWN RISK.
messages out there.
Problem solving.
Problem solving is one of the most important
overpowering and harming other people or
skills children can develop. You can help children
verbally abusing them. Kids who are comfortable
learn to solve problems by carefully looking at
stating their wants and needs are less likely to get
real problems they face. Teach them to break
involved in violent relationships. In addition,
problems down into manageable pieces, identify
young people who have been taught to be asser-
possible solutions, and consider the likely out-
tive are less likely to abuse others.
come for each possible solution. People who can
solve problems in a positive way don’t need to use
Fighting fair.
violence.
Everyone has verbal arguments. How partners
argue is very important to relationships. When
Negotiation and Compromise.
partners fight fairly, they stick to the subject,
Children need to know that they won’t always get
avoid insults, and avoid talking about the past.
their way. Compromise has a place in all healthy
Kids should be told that it’s OK to walk away
relationships. Kids should learn to look at issues,
from a situation and come back when they’ve
acknowledge different points of view, and discuss
cooled down and can talk calmly.
possible “win-win” solutions. In healthy relation-
ships, partners often agree upon a “give and take”
Empathy.
solution.
Empathy allows people to feel what others are
feeling. Kids should be encouraged to see things
Assertiveness.
from other people’s points of view and think
Being clear and open about feelings and desires
about how others feel. Empathy can improve
can help prevent arguments. Assertiveness in-
communication skills and make people less likely
volves respect for one’s own needs and those of
to hurt others on purpose.
others. Assertiveness is different from aggression,
which is a violent way to express desires and
feelings. Acting aggressively can take the form of
Creating Healthy Relationships
9
Learning
Through their home life—Monitor and
model behavior.
Relationship Skills
Parents who are in relationships can model what
healthy relationships should look like. Parents are
Preteens and teens have already seen and heard a
in a great position to show their children what
lot about dating from family, friends, and the
behavior is appropriate and to shape how they get
media. Adults have the tough job of helping kids
along with others. Kids from abusive households
make sense of what they see and hear. We can
often see abuse as something normal that happens
help them identify healthy behaviors and moti-
at home. This may put youth at risk of getting
vate them to choose respect in their relationships.
involved in abusive relationships. Adults who
There are many way kids get messages about
monitor their
dating and how to act in dating relationships.
children’s activities
These include:
will be more aware
of what skills they
From the media—Ask kids to think about
need to learn or
what they see and hear.
improve.
Popular culture influences kids every day. It’s
almost impossible to keep kids from seeing “sexy”
It’s never too early
or violent messages, whether they’re on TV, on
to teach kids about
billboards, or on the Internet. Adults can help
healthy relation-
teach kids how to think about what they hear and
ships. The skills
see. Then, adults can explain how kids can accept
kids develop to deal
positive messages and tune out negative ones. Use
with other young
negative messages that you can’t stop as teachable
people can help
moments. It’s not possible to shield kids from all
shape the way they
negative messages, but you can limit the amount
handle future
of exposure they get. In other words, screen and
relationships. It is very important to teach kids
limit TV, movies, and music.
relationship-building skills like communication,
respect, and empathy. Children also need to learn
From their friends—Listen without
positive ways of dealing with common relation-
criticism.
ship issues, such as managing anger.
It may seem like many middle-school-aged kids
value their friends’ opinions more than their
parents’ opinions. Unfortunately, friends often
use peer pressure to make friends do things that
are risky or wrong. Adults who listen to children
without criticizing them learn about the pressures
and stresses they face. This can help start talks
about the importance of respect for self and
others in all relationships.
10
Creating Healthy Relationships
How Can Adults Help?
To help prevent abusive relationships, adults can
help. You will find numerous informational
prepare kids to develop healthy, loving relation-
resources in Section VII. Tips, Handouts, and
ships with supportive, trusting partners. We can
Resources.
also help them reject messages that support abuse.
This isn’t as simple as it may sound. In order to
Kids want and need adults to be involved in their
form healthy relationships, young people need to
lives. Adults can’t—and shouldn’t—make all kids’
respect themselves. They need to care about other
decisions for them. Eleven- to fourteen-year-olds
people, know how to communicate well, and
are growing up and becoming more independent.
understand the
It is good for them to start making their
consequences
own decisions. They also need to take
of actions.
more responsibility for their actions. The
They also need
decision-making skills they develop as
to learn to
preteens and teens will help them
manage anger,
throughout their lives.
solve problems
in a positive
Adults should monitor kids, because
way, say “no”,
they need guidance. When kids make
and treat girls
wrong decisions, they need adult support
and boys as
to help them learn from their mistakes.
equals. Adults
When kids get involved in risky or scary
can help give
situations, adults can help prevent them
kids the tools
from making choices that could have
they need to
dangerous consequences.
develop mean-
ingful relation-
Talking with kids honestly and often,
ships through-
without lecturing, builds trust and
out their lives.
teaches problem-solving skills. Adults
should show support while acting as
This is not an easy task. Even adults work hard to
young peoples’ advisors.
maintain healthy relationships. To help young
people develop healthy relationship skills, con-
This kit includes sections for parents, teachers and
sider your own attitudes about relationships.
administrators, and concerned members of the
What kind of role model are you? What kinds of
community. Each offers specific information
relationships are you involved in? What could
about how members of these groups can help
you do better? Do your actions support your
kids develop healthy relationships and avoid
values? Remember, nobody’s perfect. To help you
dating abuse.
teach kids how to create healthy relationships,
however, you should look at the way you manage
your own relationships. If you feel that your
relationship with your spouse or partner is
unhealthy, it’s never too early or too late to get
Creating Healthy Relationships
11
Section II.
Dating Abuse
Despite good instruction, some kids will get involved in unhealthy relationships. Dating abuse is a
serious problem that affects everyone involved. We can help kids avoid relationship abuse by teaching
that men and women have equal value. It’s important to raise awareness of this problem, but more
important to teach kids how to avoid dating abuse. We have to teach kids what behavior is acceptable
and unacceptable. This is an important way to help them notice when something is wrong. Remember,
most preteens and teens have little or no experience with dating. In many cases, their “knowledge” has
come from movies and TV.
What Is Dating Abuse?
Dating abuse is the act or threat of abuse—physical, sexual, or
emotional—by one partner in a dating relationship toward the
other partner.
Any relationship that involves physical, sexual, or
not recognize that
emotional abuse, or the threat of abuse, is an
emotional abuse is a
The terms ‘dating
unhealthy relationship.
form of dating
abuse’ and
violence. Emotional
‘relationship
Dating abuse is not about love—it’s about power
abuse includes
abuse’ are used
and control. Some young people may not under-
threatening or insult-
interchangeably.
stand this. Dating abuse or violence usually
ing words, spreading
We can also use
involves a pattern of behaviors that one partner
rumors, and control-
the terms ‘dating
uses to try to control the other. These behaviors
ling someone’s
may include:
activities. It also
violence’ and
‘relationship
Physical violence, such as pinching, slapping,
includes isolating
hitting, or shoving
someone from family
violence’ to
and friends. Even
describe the same
Emotional violence, such as threats, insults, or
abuse that doesn’t
mean-spirited teasing
types of
leave any visible
behaviors.
Sexual violence, such as unwanted touching or
physical marks can
forcing someone into sexual activities against
leave painful emo-
his/her will
tional scars.
Young people
Focus groups have suggested that physical
may think of
abuse and sexual abuse aren’t very com-
dating abuse as
mon among kids in middle school.
only physical
However, abuse such as name-calling and
violence—
hitting, grab-
bing, or shov-
ing. They may
Dating Abuse
15
emotional control is more common and is seen as
more acceptable. Research shows that 11- to 14-
Victims of relationship abuse
year-olds (especially boys) don’t think it’s OK to
often struggle with:
physically abuse girls they date. Most are not
·
aware of physical abuse happening among their
inability to concentrate on
peers. When asked why physical abuse is wrong,
schoolwork or other activities;
however, boys tend not to show empathy for the
· psychological or mental
girls’ feelings. Rather, they generally focus on
what would happen if they hit girls. For example,
problems, such as depression,
they could get arrested, suspended, or look like
anxiety, shame, and guilt;
less of a “man.” Helping boys develop empathy
toward girls would be a valuable step in changing
· unhealthy eating;
attitudes that support dating abuse
· risky sexual behavior;
(see Section I. Creating Healthy Relationships:
Social Skills for Healthy Relationships).
· physical injury and other
health problems; and/or
· suicidal thoughts or actions.
Who Is Affected?
Dating abuse affects people from all backgrounds.
Anyone can be a victim or an abuser. It’s impor-
How common is dating
tant to help teens and preteens realize that dating
abuse?
abuse happens to young people as well as adults.
Dating abuse is more common than some people
It happens in the suburbs and the inner city, in
realize. It can start happening at an early age. One
same-sex and male-female relationships. Both
in four 8th and 9th graders in a study (The Safe
males and females can be victims as well as abusers.
Dates Project) reported having experienced some
Some studies have suggested that girls are just as
type of relationship abuse. About one in four
likely as boys to become abusive within un-
female students (in grades 9 through 12) reported
healthy relationships. However, girls are more
being physically or sexually abused by someone
likely to be emotionally or physically hurt by
they’ve dated. Among kids who show certain risk
dating abuse, and are more likely to be afraid of
factors, dating abuse is very common. For more
their partners. Girls are also far more likely to be
information about these and other facts about
the victims of sexual abuse than boys are.
dating and youth violence, see the CDC National
Center for Injury Prevention and Control Web
site at www.cdc.gov/ncipc/. See the next section,
Who Is Most at Risk, for more information on
risk factors.
Dating abuse is not something that happens only
to adults. Kids start hearing and seeing messages
that support abuse when they are very young.
Adults should try to override these messages with
messages of equality and nonviolence.
16
Dating Abuse
Who Is Most at Risk?
Some young people are at higher risk of becom-
ing victims of abuse in dating relationships.
Certain kids may show warning signs that could
Those who see violence in their community may
make them prone to dating abuse before they’ve
think that violence is an acceptable part of dating.
started dating. It’s important for adults to be
Girls with lower self-esteem are more likely to
aware of warning signs. In fact, the ways young
become victims of dating abuse. Feelings of
people interact with their friends give clues about
depression (especially sadness and hopelessness)
how they’ll eventually relate to people they date.
can make both girls and boys more likely to
Research on dating abuse shows that people who
become involved in dating abuse. Sometimes girls
abuse their dating partners tend to be more
feel like they “need” to have a boyfriend. They
depressed, have lower self-esteem, and be more
may be willing to give up their self-respect and
aggressive than non-violent partners. The “red
safety to stay in any relationship, even an abusive
flags” below may help identify young people who
one. Kids with physical disabilities may be at
are at risk of becoming abusive in dating relation-
higher risk for abuse in relationships. Teens that
ships.
date much older partners are also more likely to
become victims.
Beliefs that it’s OK to use threats or violence
to get one’s way or solve problems
Alcohol or drug use
Inability to manage anger or frustration
Prevention Tips
Poor social skills
Socializing with violent peers
Know your children’s
Cognitive difficulties and other problems at
friends—violent friends are a
school
warning signal
Lack of parental oversight, support, or
Monitor your children’s
discipline
activities—who are they with,
Abuse between parents in the home
what they are doing, where
A history of aggressive behavior or bullying
they are, and when they’ll be
home.
Dating Abuse
17
Early Warning Signs
Preteens and teens in abusive dating relationships may be embarrassed or afraid to talk about the issue
with friends or family. Young people may hesitate to talk to adults—even those they trust and love—
about personal things like dating. For these reasons, adults should watch for warning signs that some-
thing may be wrong in a relationship. Adults should be aware that abusers may not seem abusive in
public settings. If you see warning signs or your instinct tells you something’s wrong, trust yourself.
Some abusers can act very nice and charming when they are around adults.
Table 2. Warning signs of relationship abuse
These “red flags” should alert you to the
These behaviors may indicate that the
possibility that the young person may be
young person is currently abusive or is at
a victim of relationship abuse:
risk of becoming abusive:
· Isolation from family and friends
· Threatening to hurt others in any way
· Suspicious bruises or injuries
· Insulting a dating partner in public or private
· Loss of interest in activities and hobbies that
· Constantly calling to check up on a dating
were once enjoyable
partner
· Making excuses for a dating partner’s
· Damaging or destroying a dating partner’s
behavior
personal belongings
· Noticeable changes in eating or sleeping
· Attempting to control what a dating partner
patterns, or alcohol or drug use
wears
· Loss of self-confidence
As parents, it’s difficult to accept that your child
signals listed in TABLE 2 above. Violence won’t go
is the victim of dating abuse. It can be even
away on its own. Kids need help to learn healthy
harder to admit that your child may be an abuser.
relationship attitudes and behaviors.
No one wants to believe that the worst could be
true. But if you are worried, learn to recognize
the warning signs and check out your
suspicions. If necessary, get your child the
help he or she needs.
What should adults look for? Watch for
signs of anger control or conflict resolu-
tion problems, aggression, or lack of
empathy. Understand the risk factors on
the previous page, and recognize warning
18
Dating Abuse
Victims of dating abuse risk
who find themselves in abusive relationships can
losing things like:
be helped through programs that teach them how
·
to avoid future unhealthy relationships, and how
Trust in themselves and others
to overcome the negative consequences described
·
below.
Friendships
·
Victims
Positive behavioral patterns that
they’ll need for healthy
Being a victim of dating abuse can interfere with a
relationships
young person’s emotional development in such
·
areas as:
Future relationships
Forming a positive body image
·
Establishing an adult identity
Healthy thought patterns
Developing a personal value system
·
Achieving independence
Self-esteem
Establishing intimacy
Becoming comfortable with one’s sexuality
Preparing to become a productive member
The Consequences of
of society
New York City’s Office to Combat Domestic
Dating Abuse
Violence Web site lists more information on how
dating abuse affects the normal development of
Relationship abuse never has a happy ending.
teenagers: www.nyc.gov/html/ocdv/html/issues/
Physical, sexual, and emotional violence hurts. It
teenagers.shtml.
has a deep-down effect on how victims—and
abusers—feel about themselves. Most of the time
Relationship patterns formed during the teenage
dating abuse destroys relationships. Young people
years affect a person’s relationships later in life. A
in unhealthy relationships put their healthy
victim of teen dating abuse is likely to enter into
emotional development at risk. They may feel the
adult violent relationships. Kids remember what
negative effects for the rest of their lives. And, for
they learn about acceptable behavior, respect, and
both victims and abusers, being in a violent
what feels right and wrong.
relationship makes them more likely to be
involved in abusive relationships later in life. Kids
Dating Abuse
19
Abusers
Dating abuse has a terrible effect on society and
on the people involved. Adults should try to
Abusers in violent relationships may also suffer
prevent dating abuse and its consequences. In the
health consequences and carry scars into adult-
following
hood. Every time they are abusive and get away
sections, we talk
with it, the abuse is reinforced. They are very
about ways
likely to repeat their violent behaviors with future
parents, educa-
dating and marriage partners. If they don’t get
tors, and com-
help, abusers may develop lifelong patterns of
munity members
unhealthy, unhappy relationships.
can help solve the
problem of
Some of this information was adapted from
dating abuse.
www.seeitandstopit.org. This Website, created by
teens in Massachusetts, has a lot of information
The groups we
geared toward teens about relationship abuse and
talk about in the
how to stop it.
next three
sections are not
Some of the consequences of
three completely
inflicting abusive behavior
different groups.
include:
In fact, there can
Alienation from friends and family
be a lot of overlap. Many of us wear several “hats”
in our lives. For example, teachers may be parents
Loss of friends’ respect
as well as members of the community. Our
Loneliness
influence is not limited to one role. We can work
Physical health problems
on our own as parents or teachers, or together as
members of schools and communities. Working
Expulsion from school
together, we can gain the added benefit of learn-
Loss of job
ing from others who have different experiences
and points of view.
Criminal record/jail (and loss of
personal freedom)
20
Dating Abuse
Section III.
Involving Parents
Parents’ Roles
the best source of information for their children.
But parents can’t control every part of their kids’
Parents are in a special and powerful position to
surroundings. One way to affect what messages
teach their kids about romantic relationships.
kids see and hear outside of the home is to get
First, it is very important that parents show
involved in the community. Within a volunteer
mutual love
organization or a faith-based group,
and respect in
for example, parents can work
their own
It’s important to
toward influencing the broader
relationships,
world kids live in. Section VI:
if they are
know your children’s friends
Coming Together as a Community
married or
offers ideas for working with other
involved in
monitor your children’s activities
community members to teach
dating
relationship skills and prevent dating
relationships.
abuse.
Kids will be influenced more by what you do
than by what you say.
Communication Tips
Kids will watch how you act with your spouse or
for Parents
partner and how you interact with other people
in all kinds of situations and on good and bad
They may not always show it, but young people
days. Modeling kind, respectful behavior is
want their parents to talk to them. Even if they
important when teaching kids relationship skills.
don’t come out and say it, kids know they have
Parents model attitudes and behaviors for their
important questions and they don’t have the
kids every day.
answers. They want and need to get advice and
information from their parents.
Young boys today grow up in a world that often
treats men and women unequally. Because
Here are some common sense ideas to help you
relationship abuse is often male-on-female, it is
establish open, honest communication with your
crucial to teach boys to view girls as equal part-
child:
ners worthy of respect. For excellent tips on
· Use teachable moments to
talking with boys and teaching appropriate
start conversations about
attitudes about women, see the Family Violence
healthy relationships and/or
Prevention Fund’s Coaching Boys into Men Web
relationship abuse.
site: www.endabuse.org/cbim/.
Current events, movies and television shows,
Kids see negative images everywhere. The media
popular music, and real-life situations can all
often glorify violence and reinforce disrespectful
serve as ways to start conversations. Take
attitudes and stereotypes. The messages kids get
advantage of these opportunities. Start by
about love and relationships from movies and TV
laying out your own beliefs and values about
may be very attractive, even though they are often
acceptable behavior within relationships.
unhealthy, unrealistic, and sometimes dangerous.
You can use Web resources to
Young people may not be able to separate reality
help pick family-friendly movies
from fantasy, yet they need to know the truth
that can open up parent-child
about what matters in relationships. Parents are
discussions about respect.
Involving Parents
25
One example is The Movie
· Don’t worry about not being an
Mom http://movies.yahoo.com/moviemom.
“expert.”
The Movie Mom gives parents ideas for
If your child asks a question you’re not sure
movies that are appropriate for kids between
how to answer, offer to work with him/her
the ages of 2 and 18. The site lists movies
to find the answer.
available as rentals, as well as ones that are
· Be honest.
currently playing in theaters. Parents can use
sites like this to guide them in making family
Your child may be more open to what you
entertainment choices that are interesting to
have to say if you admit your own relation-
kids as well as educational.
ship mistakes. Keep it real. Don’t lecture.
· Pay attention!
Instead, have an honest two-way conversa-
tion.
When talking with your child about impor-
· Lead by example.
tant issues like healthy relationships, turn off
your cell phone and the TV, and avoid
Be a good role model in your relationship
interruptions as much as possible.
with your spouse or partner (if you have one),
·
with your children, and with other family
Don’t be afraid to start the
members. How you communicate with your
conversation.
kids will teach them how to communicate in
If your child hasn’t brought up the subject of
their own close relationships. Use good
dating, don’t assume that he or she isn’t
communication skills: this will not only help
interested or doesn’t need the information. If
you talk with your children, but it will also
it’s hard for adults to bring up
teach (by example) appropriate behavior.
certain subjects, imagine how
You’ll find
hard it is for kids. Kids, just
communica-
If your relationship with your
like adults, don’t always know
tion tips in
spouse or partner is not a
how to start conversations
Section VII:
healthy one, you can find help.
about important issues, but that
Tips, Hand-
doesn’t mean they don’t want to
outs, and
The resources included in Section
talk.
Resources.
·
VII can steer you toward books, Web
Keep the conversa-
Another way
sites, and organizations that can help
tion ongoing.
to lead by
stop the abuse and, if possible, get
example is to
Frequent talks are important for
your relationship back on track. It’s
be respon-
keeping up-to-date on what is
never too early or too late to get
sible in your
happening in your kids’ lives,
own media/
help. Do it for yourself and for your
understanding their peer pres-
entertain-
kids.
sures, and reinforcing your
ment choices
values. Start when the kids are
and avoid
young and talk openly and honestly.
those that may conflict with the values you
are teaching your kids. For more information
on media influence, see Section VII.
26
Involving Parents
Section I: Creating Healthy Relationships talks
logical Association’s Raising Children to Resist
about the social skills kids need in order to form
Violence: What You Can Do at www.apa.org/
and keep healthy relationships. Keep the lines of
pubinfo/apa-aap.html.
communication open and take advantage of
opportunities to teach those skills to your kids.
Be sure to read the parents’ brochure included in
Even everyday opportunities—carpool rides or
this kit. It offers good information in a handy
family dinners—are teaching opportunities.
format. In addition, there is a CHOOSE RESPECT
Educational Video, in which young
teens discuss dating abuse. CHOOSE
RESPECT also includes an Interactive
Music Video Maker on the Internet at
www.chooserespect.org, which allows kids
to read about common situations and
choose the correct response. Choosing
appropriate responses allows the kids to
make a music video on the Web site.
Section IV. Involving the School offers
detailed information about how teachers
can blend Choose Respect messages into
classroom activities. It also talks about
things school administrators can do to
increase the role of the schools in
teaching kids to form healthy relation-
ships and avoid dating abuse. In Section
VI. Coming Together as a Community
shows how all of us—parents, teachers,
administrators, community leaders, and
Behavior is built upon attitudes and beliefs. Make
other interested adults—can work together to
sure your children understand that physical and
improve kids’ chances of having healthy relation-
emotional abuse is never acceptable. Help them
ships. A successful campaign to prevent relation-
form respectful attitudes toward others. Teach
ship abuse involves the home, the school, and the
them communication and social skills and
community and takes advantage of a range of
demonstrate loving relationships. For additional
skills and points of view.
information on teaching kids to turn away from
all forms of violence, see the American Psycho-
Involving Parents
27
Section IV.
Involving the School
How Can Educators Help?
Except for parents, teachers probably have more
the ways that students interact with each other.
contact with young people than any other adults.
They can also model appropriate relationship
Teachers have relationships with their students in
behavior by the way they interact with students
the classroom and are seen as trusted adults who
and each other.
can give advice about important topics. Schools
should make sure that educators—teachers and
In today’s world, teachers are asked to do more
administrators—know about relationship issues
than teach the basics. The school has become a
and dating abuse, are aware of the warning signs,
place where students learn the skills they need for
and are available to help young people.
life. These skills go far beyond the three Rs—
reading, writing,
Schools can blend positive
and ‘rithmetic.
messages about respectful
Schools have a role
attitudes and healthy relation-
to play in teaching
ships into lesson plans and
kids the skills they
extra-curricular activities.
need to form
Remember, the idea of choos-
healthy and satisfy-
ing respect in relationships is
ing relationships.
not for couples only. Lessons
Kids who don’t
on how to interact positively
develop good
can be woven into activities
relationship skills
such as class projects, sporting
can face unsuccess-
events, and school plays. On
ful futures—both
the next page you’ll find some
in their personal
concrete ideas for putting the
lives and in their
theme of positive student
careers. Teaching
interaction into effect in school
sound relationship
activities. Reading assignments and films with
skills and coaching teens to choose respect for
relationship themes can raise the topic in the
themselves and others will help them establish
classroom. Educators can watch for everyday
healthy relationships and avoid relationship abuse.
opportunities to reinforce respectful behavior in
Involving the School
31
Add Choose Respect to School Programs
There are many ways that you can integrate
Remember that you may have to make a con-
CHOOSE RESPECT messages into your curriculum.
scious effort to draw those kids who are at higher
Below are some examples of things you can do
risk—those who are on the “fringe”—into your
with your students to start conversations about
activities. Often, it’s the children who don’t
choosing respect and forming healthy relation-
participate in class who are at greatest risk of
ships. Keep in mind that kids may be more
developing poor social and relationship skills.
excited to participate in activities if they help plan
These kids are also at greater risk of becoming
them. Take your cue from kids and try to tailor
involved in abusive relationships.
activities to their age, interests, and worldview.
Looking for ideas? The Internet has many resources. Examples:
For ideas for teaching respect and other life skills and character qualities, check
out www.goodcharacter.com. You will find free, downloadable lesson plans and
resources related to healthy relationship skills as well as other character-building
activities.
The research-based software available from Ripple Effects
(www.rippleeffects.com/education/software/teens.html) includes complete
curricula for such things as character education, health education, sexuality, HIV/
AIDS, and pregnancy prevention, social-emotional skill building, violence
prevention, and much more.
The U.S. Department of Heath and Human Services’ Health Resources and
Services Administration sponsors a site for kids at
http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/index.asp, with useful information about the
related topic of bullying that may be applicable to teen dating abuse.
These are just examples of the kinds of resources
your students—individually, in pairs, or in small
you have available to you. You have many other
or large groups—or modify them to your stu-
options. The Internet contains a lot of informa-
dents’ needs. Some of these ideas were adapted
tion about work that has already been done in the
from a list put together by the Boston University
area of teaching kids good interpersonal skills and
Center for the Advancement of Ethics and
avoiding abusive relationships. The purpose of
Character Development. There are many ways to
this kit is not to re-invent the wheel, but to point
apply relationship skills-building exercises into
you in the direction of materials available today.
the school setting. Allow these ideas to inspire
The following activities are suggestions; you may
you to creative, fun ways to teach these important
put them into practice any number of ways with
lessons.
32
Involving the School
1.
English class—Have students keep logs or journals, in which they list things they could do to be
more respectful citizens at school and outside of school. These logs may also be used to record
situations students see in the media that show respectful or disrespectful behavior. Ask your
students to talk about how respectful behavior would affect their personal relationships and how
they think they can benefit by showing respect to others. Start a class discussion of students’
journal entries. Give writers’ awards.
2.
English class—Choose a movie that relates to the topic of respect and positive character develop-
ment. Ideas can be found on sites like www.teachwithmovies.org. Movies like Billy Elliot, Find-
ing Nemo, and Remember the Titans have good messages
without being boring or preachy. Movies can be an enter-
taining educational option and can serve as the starting
point for class discussions and assignments. Other ideas can
be found at http://eduscapes.com/seeds/bookmovie.html.
3.
English class—Choose a reading assignment that illus-
trates an unhealthy relationship. This could be a news or
magazine article, a short story, or a chapter from a novel
from the students’ reading list that includes relationship
themes. Ask the class to talk about the relationship, and
identify and discuss the unhealthy behaviors. Ask for
suggestions of how the characters in the article or story could behave more respectfully and how
that might affect their relationship. Refer to the behaviors listed in Table I. “Healthy vs. Un-
healthy Relationships,” in Section II of this kit.
4.
Social Studies—Ask some of your students to serve as “roving reporters” at school and outside of
school. Ask them to observe, record, and report on everyday incidents in which respectful or
disrespectful behavior was shown (caution them not to use actual names of people involved).
When the “reporters” write up their articles, you might work to have one published in a school
newsletter and/or give an award. This would be an excellent small group activity.
5.
General—Host a student brainstorming session with popcorn and refreshments. Ask students to
talk about common problems that arise in their relationships, or their friends’ relationships. Ask
for their ideas for making relationships stronger and healthier, and for solving relationship prob-
lems between friends and dating partners. Collect their suggestions, put them on a poster, and
hang it in the classroom.
6.
Art—Introduce students to a CHOOSE RESPECT art project. In class, ask each student to create a
painting, drawing, or sculpture that illustrates a relationship in his/her life. Encourage them to let
their creativity run free on this project. Have a “showing” in class during which each student can
talk about his/her creation. You might arrange for the works of art to be hung or
shown in a location at school or in the community.
Involving the School
33
7.
Drama—Find a short play (or develop one) that deals with relationship issues between friends or
dating partners. Obtain or write scripts, cast for parts, and have students rehearse and perform the
production. Invite as many students, other teachers, and parents as possible to see the final pro-
duction. Distribute CHOOSE RESPECT materials and violence prevention tips at the performance.
For example, the Rhode Island Coalition against Domestic Violence (RICADV) has organized
performances of the Yellow Dress Play, a play that addresses dating violence, at high schools
throughout the state of Rhode Island. As a result, RICADV has received local media attention
and has attracted diverse audiences. The RICADV Web site is www.ricadv.org. Click on ‘DATING
VIOLENCE’ or other topics of interest.
8.
Drama—Devise some simple relationship problem “scenarios” and assign students to role play in
front of the class. Discuss the role play, pointing out positive and negative behaviors.
9.
Physical Education—Arrange for a girl/boy sporting activity, like a game of capture the flag (no
contact sports). Establish ground rules for good sportsmanship, and then announce rewards for
good sportsmanship, like free ice cream coupons.
10. English, Social Studies—Post quotations on the topic of respect around the classroom several
days prior to this activity. Ask students to select meaningful quotes that are worthy of discussion.
Go around the classroom and ask students to discuss what their quote means to them. You can
find quotes for this exercise is at www.brainyquote.com.
11. Computers—Introduce students to the CHOOSE RESPECT Web site at www.chooserespect.org.
The campaign’s Interactive Music Video Maker will be available on this site and will be a fun
learning tool for kids. Have a class session during which kids are allowed to use the Music Video
Maker and create music videos.
12. General—Develop a list of reading materials and other resources. Mail the list to parents or
distribute it at school-based events to which parents are invited. The list should include books and
readings about respectful relationships and good citizenship. Parents should be encouraged to read
books with their children. Movie rentals can be suggested in this list as well. Also, think about
films that are playing in theatres or coming out soon.
13. Extracurricular Activities and Clubs—Use extracurricular activities and clubs, such as orchestra,
marching band, and service and drama clubs, to sponsor school events aimed at raising awareness
of dating abuse. After school activities also promote team building activities that teach and
reinforce respect.
14. Athletics—Encourage coaches to teach youth the difference between aggression on the athletic
field (acceptable) and aggressive behavior toward their peers (unacceptable).
34
Involving the School
Be sure to draw all students into these activities.
oriented toward peers and are concerned about
Don’t settle for comments and feedback only
social acceptance. Small group activity can en-
from the highest-achieving students who always
courage peer interaction, which may help students
participate. All kids need to feel connected to
enjoy school projects.
their families, schools, teachers, and peers. Some
are at higher risk for academic problems than
Be creative in your thinking, and come up with
others are. They may need extra support from
additional ways to integrate campaign messages
you to help them feel comfortable participating
into activities. Suggestions in this kit can be done
in these exercises.
individually, in pairs, or in group. Each option
will have its own unique advantages.
Give students opportunities to work both alone
and in groups. Kids aged 11–14 are usually
Communication Tips for Educators
It’s easy to get to know the outgoing, talkative
kids in your classroom. Your challenge is to draw
Whether a student turns to you
all of your students into projects and discussions.
with concerns about a dating
Show an interest in students’ lives outside of the
relationship or you choose to
classroom, and encourage them to trust and talk
approach a student, keep the
to you. Remember, some students aren’t comfort-
following communication tips in
able talking with their parents and need some
mind:
other caring adult to take an interest in them.
·Show interest, concern, and
Teachers are often in a better position than
compassion but try not to overreact.
parents to recognize unhealthy relationship
patterns because school is one of the main places
·Keep the conversation between
where kids interact with each other in large
yourself and the student, plus any
numbers. Walking down the hall, a teacher may
counselor or organization to which
hear conversations or see actions that parents may
you refer the student (if applicable).
never see. For this reason, teachers may some-
times be the first responders when it comes to
·Realize that you will remain the link
recognizing relationship abuse.
between the student and the
counselor or organization to which
you made the referral.
·Be sure to follow up with the
student(s).
Involving the School
35
What Can Schools Do?
Administrators can set up school-wide measures to help prevent relationship
abuse by:
Making sure there are effective school policies in place that promote healthy and respectful
relationships and discourage dating abuse. For example, educators and parents may choose to develop
and implement policies that encourage equal treatment for girls under Title IX (Title IX of the
Educational Amendments of 1972 is a law that prohibits discrimination based on gender in any
school that receives public funds).
Being aware of current policies to prevent violence, making sure everyone knows the policies, and
enforcing them consistently. Policies may define specific behaviors that are unacceptable, and outline
the consequences of these behaviors (for example, bullying).
Creating effective school policies, if none currently exist, on the subject of abusive behavior and how
it should be handled. For example, school policies may outline who should be notified when a
violent incident occurs.
Training educators on ways to prevent
relationship abuse.
Integrating lesson plans on
relationship abuse into school
curricula.
Inviting speakers and making
classroom presentations on the
subject of relationship abuse.
Sponsoring performances related to
relationship abuse.
Coordinating volunteer opportunities
for parents who wish to get involved.
Developing strong relationships with
local partners such as domestic and
sexual violence organizations.
36
Involving the School
In general, schools should:
Make sure that teachers, counselors, and all other personnel who work with youth know about
relationship abuse and related community resources. Schools should establish training programs for
teachers, if they have the funding and if necessary.
Inform school employees about the school’s policy for making referrals to counselors and outside
organizations. If no school policy exists, work toward creating, implementing, and enforcing one.
Select or develop violence prevention curricula and lesson plans. These should be theory-driven and
appropriate for students’ age and level of development. Lessons should be taught in multiple ses-
sions, because research shows that learning is most effective when messages are repeated.
Make sure that visiting presenters are highly qualified. Presentations should be interactive and
include role-playing, behavioral rehearsal, feedback, and active student participation.
Take steps to make sure students are well-supervised during school activities by professionals who
know the warning signs of dating abuse.
Provide opportunities for parents to get involved in the learning process as it relates to dating abuse
prevention.
Sponsor presentations for parents during PTO meetings or parent-teacher nights that focus on
healthy relationship-building and/or preventing dating abuse.
Schools can find information on school/family/
CHOOSE RESPECT also includes a brochure specifi-
community partnerships on the National Center
cally for educators with this kit. In addition, there
for Health Education’s Youth, Parents, and
is a CHOOSE RESPECT Educational Video, in which
Communities Web site at www.nche.org/
young teens discuss dating abuse. CHOOSE RE-
nche_ypc.asp and related pages. Be sure to read
SPECT also includes an Interactive Music Video
Section VI. Coming Together as a Community for
Maker on the Internet at www.chooserespect.org,
ideas on how you can work for change within
which allows kids to read about common situa-
your community, and Section III. Involving
tions and choose the correct response. Choosing
Parents if you have kids of your own.
appropriate responses enables kids to make a
music video on the Web site.
Involving the School
37
Section V.
Involving Preteens and Teens
CHOOSE RESPECT aims to influence the attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors of 11- to 14-year-old girls and
boys about dating abuse. It is important for kids to develop the skills and attitudes they need to have
satisfying, healthy relationships. Adults can help guide kids, but kids must be willing to accept and
practice the healthy relationship skills they are taught. Kids also need to reject messages that present
unacceptable, disrespectful, or violent ways of handling relationship problems.
Stepping In to Help a Friend
Encourage action. Preteens and teens need to learn that there are many ways to
help if they witness abuse:
Speak up. When peers say things that support disrespect or violence, choose
respect and speak up for what’s right.
Step in. When one person is mistreating another verbally, physically, or
emotionally, step in politely to stop the situation if it is safe to do so.
Talk later. Sometimes it’s better to wait and talk to the abuser or the person
who is being abused later, in private. The person may be less defensive and talk
more openly in a one-on-one conversation.
Talk to an adult. In some situations (for instance, if physical abuse is
happening) it may be best to go to an adult. A teacher, coach, youth leader,
family member, or another trustworthy adult may be the best person to help in
this kind of situation.
Go for help. If someone is in immediate danger, go for help right away or call
911. Do not try to get involved if anyone has a weapon or if a fight is out of
control.
Like adults, young people may be afraid to speak up when they hear friends make statements that
support abuse. They may not take action if they see an act of abuse. Kids should be encouraged to speak
up when they see abuse or warning signs of abuse.
Involving Preteens and Teens
41
Dating abuse may not be apparent right away. It
Kids should know what signs might be signals that a
may start slowly, and only happen between dating
friend is involved in an abusive relationship. Preteens
partners when they are alone together. Some-
and teens can look for the following signs:
times, though, something just doesn’t seem right.
Is a friend the victim of relationship
Is a friend being abusive or at
abuse? Things to look for:
risk of becoming abusive?
·
Some signs:
Withdraws from family and friends
·Ignores the dating partner
·Stops participating in activities and
·Insults a dating partner (directly or
hobbies
indirectly) in public or private
·Makes excuses for a dating partner’s
·Spreads rumors about a dating
behavior
partner
·Is afraid of making the dating partner ·Flirts with others to make the dating
angry
partner jealous
·Overeats or sleeps too much, or alcohol ·Attempts to control what a partner
or drug use
wears or does
·Has suspicious injuries or bruises
It may be difficult for a young person to ask if a
· Friends are making fun of, or saying hurtful
friend is an abuser or being abused. Sometimes it
things about, a person or a group (girls or
can help just to be there as a friend who can offer
women, minorities, gays, etc.).
support and show concern. Ask if something is
wrong, be supportive, and don’t judge. Offer to
· Several boys are laughing and making loud,
mean remarks about a girl who is standing
go with the friend to talk with an adult.
nearby.
Abuse begins with the wrong belief that it’s OK
· A couple of girls are spreading false rumors
about another girl.
to use disrespectful language and violent behavior.
Kids can challenge this belief when they speak up
· A boy brags to his friends about things he
did with his girlfriend (whether it is true or
rather than remain silent when friends act disre-
not).
spectfully or violently.
· A guy talks about his girlfriend in a mean
Here are some examples of situations in which
way (for example, saying unkind things
kids can speak up and help:
about her clothes or claiming that he’s doing
her a favor by going out with her).
· A boy ignores his girlfriend in front of his
friends.
42
Involving Preteens and Teens
Speaking up can be simple. It can mean pointing
important it is for kids to get involved and speak
out how hurtful someone’s comments or actions
out against violence when necessary. By doing so,
they can show that not everyone agrees that
violence and abuse are acceptable.
There are many helpful Web sites for teens about
dating abuse. These sites tell kids what dating
abuse is and how to recognize it, how to avoid it,
and what to do if it happens. The American
Psychological Association has a site called Love
Shouldn’t Have to Hurt Teens at www.apa.org/pi/
pii/teen. Another useful site is
www.seeitandstopit.org, created by Massachusetts
teens for other teens.
Kids may enjoy using the CHOOSE RESPECT
Interactive Music Video Maker, which can be
are. Or asking friends how they would feel if
found at www.chooserespect.org. The game in-
someone said or acted meanly toward them. It is
cludes a number of scenarios with several possible
always wise to speak up in a polite, non-judg-
responses. Several of the scenarios are bystander
mental way. This puts
situations. Correct responses allow kids to con-
emphasis on the behav-
struct a music video on
ior, not on the person.
the site. You will also
Speaking up can mean telling
For example, say,
find sample scenarios in
a friend who is being hurt in a
“Carrie would really be
Section VII. Tips,
hurt if she heard you
relationship that controlling or
Handouts, and Re-
say that,” rather than
violent behavior is not normal
sources.
“You’re being a real jerk
or right, and that he or she
to talk about Carrie
The CHOOSE RESPECT kit
doesn’t deserve to be treated
that way.”
also includes brochures
badly.
for boys and girls that
When kids see friends
talk about developing
act abusively and don’t speak up, abusers may feel
healthy relationships, recognizing and avoiding
that their behavior is OK. Abusers may not
dating abuse, and what to do if faced with an
realize, because no one has spoken up, that they
abusive relationship.
are not acting appropriately. This shows how
Involving Preteens and Teens
43
Section VI.
Coming Together as a Community
When individuals in a community come together to work for
the common good, they can create positive community
Did you realize that
change. On an individual basis, people all over are joining
communities can do
forces to solve problems and make their communities better
amazing things when
and healthier places by tutoring and mentoring youth, serving
their members work
meals to the homeless, answering helpline calls that come in to
together? We can
child abuse prevention centers, or coordinating leisure activities
change attitudes,
at a retirement housing facility. There are countless ways adults
beliefs, behaviors, and
can get involved in improving communities for the benefit of
laws in history-making
the young people they care about.
ways:
Social, or community, change happens because caring people
Mothers Against Drunk
work together and support and encourage one another. People
Driving changed the way
come together to strive to ensure justice, achieve freedom, and
improve existing systems, programs, and overall community
we look at driving under
health. Throughout history, major strides have been made
the influence of alcohol
because people have united to create positive social change.
Without communities organizing for change, an important
The Civil Rights
piece of history—the Civil Rights Movement—may not have
Movement extended
taken place.
basic human rights to a
group that had been
When communities work together, what happens is “history
excluded
in the making.” People can work together in groups to make
changes in school policy. People in communities have banded
The Women’s Suffrage
together to pass clean indoor air ordinances to ensure a healthy
Movement mobilized
environment for their children and themselves. Others have
women to demand the
passed laws requiring use of child safety seats. Still other
right to vote.
groups of parents have established school policies that protect
youth from illegal drugs.
Coming Together as a Community
47
What Is a Community?
A community is a group that shares common
ing important messages face to face. When you
interests or characteristics. There are communi-
add community activities, media campaigns have
ties within communities. For example, there are
more effect on people’s attitudes and behaviors.
neighborhoods within a small city. Knowing and
understanding your community—or communi-
Many types of communities
ties—is important to preventing relationship
abuse. Every community has its own characteris-
exist, such as:
tics, needs, and resources to offer. To develop a
Geographic (for example,
successful community program or activity, you
subdivisions, apartment
need to understand the community.
buildings, towns)
Understanding your community and its cultural
Demographic (gender, age,
norms and attitudes, as well as how things get
done and/or changed in your community, is
ethnicity, race, socioeconomic
important in preventing dating abuse. Attitudes
group)
form the foundation for behavior. It’s hard to
change behavior without changing attitudes first.
Specialized interest (religious,
retirement, military base,
It’s also important to know what kinds of re-
service club)
sources your community offers (in terms of
money, materials, and people). These resources
Workplace or professional
will assist you with violence prevention efforts.
community
Communities provide opportunities for deliver-
Communities offer many opportunities to work with groups like youth, health, and service organiza-
tions, as well as schools and universities. Some of the ways these community groups can help include:
Providing information about the community to help plan effective CHOOSE RESPECT activities and
events (for example, violence statistics, information about cultures represented in the community,
etc.)
Sponsoring or co-sponsoring events about creating and maintaining healthy relationships and/or
preventing relationship abuse (for example, films or lecture series).
Delivering messages to young people, youth mentors, government agencies, community organiza-
tions, and the media to:
· Create awareness—organizations can distribute press releases to the media that help
media professionals address dating abuse prevention.
· Prepare for action—organizations can deliver tips and resources to those who need them.
Form active partnerships to identify new ways to address issues related to dating abuse.
48
Coming Together as a Community
Getting Acquainted with Your Community
To find out how your community can get involved with CHOOSE RESPECT, you’ll need to learn as much
as you can about your community’s needs. You should find out what’s already being done in the area of
dating abuse prevention, particularly with preteens and teens. For example, you should:
Learn the characteristics of the community—things like age, ethnic groups, etc.
Learn the extent of the problem.
Find out what organizations address healthy relationships, dating abuse prevention, or general
violence prevention.
Identify organizations and people who are important in the field of dating abuse prevention.
Determine what, if any, organizations/groups are doing similar things.
Identify the organizations/groups that work with young people ages 11–14.
Moving to Action
Your community may already have a violence
not gotten started yet, it is never too late. People
prevention coalition, which is a loosely organized
who volunteer do so not only to donate some
group of experts and concerned citizens who are
time for a worthy cause, but also to feel chal-
working to make the local community a support-
lenged, learn new skills, meet new friends, feel
ive place for healthy relationships. If a group of
proud and needed, and learn more about their
concerned people or a coalition does not exist,
communities.
you may want to get a few people together who
are concerned with dating abuse to support the
If you are interested in becoming a volunteer and
CHOOSE RESPECT campaign. A small group of
would like to work to benefit youth, a Web site
people who care about relationship abuse issues
that may help you locate local organizations is
might look at what the local schools are doing
www.volunteermatch.org. By entering your zip
about such things as violence, bullying, and sexual
code and the type of volunteer work you are
harassment and how they are dealing with these
looking for, you can generate a list of organiza-
things when they happen. Then, the group can
tions (with contact information) that would
learn how these and similar policies may be
welcome your skills and input!
developed, strengthened, and /or enforced. You
can find out if there is a local community group
People who volunteer bring different skills,
concerned about domestic and/or youth violence
knowledge, and contacts to organizations they
by searching the Web, calling your local children
serve. For example, community coalitions might
and family services agencies or United Way,
draw members from:
asking local police department, etc.)
· Key community leaders who will act as
advocates for C
As individuals or small groups, volunteers work
HOOSE RESPECT.
to help youth (as well as affected individuals of
any age). If you would like to volunteer but have
Coming Together as a Community
49
· Local businesses, health organizations,
· Athletic organizations, YMCA, YWCA,
medical associations.
juvenile detention centers, youth service
·
centers, courts.
Schools, PTOs, colleges and universities.
·
· Government and the military, including law
Journalists, public relations and or market-
enforcement.
ing professionals.
·
Some of these groups may overlap. People may
Churches, synagogues, mosques, faith-based
work with businesses and schools. The important
organizations.
·
thing is that you recruit people
Civic and
from a variety of areas, with a
service organi-
balance of skills and many points
zations, neigh-
of view.
borhood
associations,
non-profits,
violence
prevention
groups.
50
Coming Together as a Community
Potential Community Partners
The list of possible community partners is long. Think creatively about ways to involve different sectors
of the community in this campaign:
Organizations that serve young people
– Boys’ and Girls’ Clubs, Boy and Girl Scouts
– YMCA /YWCA
– Junior Achievement, 4-H Clubs
– Recreation centers and athletic clubs
Service and business organizations
– Rotary Clubs, Kiwanis Clubs, Chambers of Commerce
Health organizations:
– Hospitals, doctors’ offices, public health departments
– Medical associations
Military bases
Schools, colleges and universities
– Teachers, administrators, Parent-Teacher Organizations
– Fraternities and sororities
Local sports organizations
– Professional sports teams
– Youth athletic leagues
Local businesses
– Business associations
– Employee service groups
Coming Together as a Community
51
Businesses frequented by young people
– Mall management and security
– Movie theaters
– Video arcades
– Fast food restaurants
– Concert venues
– Athletic venues
Law enforcement and public safety
– Police and fire departments
– Juvenile detention centers/courts
Religious organizations
– Churches, synagogues, mosques
– Faith-based organizations
Social service organizations
– Women’s shelters, domestic and sexual violence coalitions
– Rape crisis centers
Arts organizations
– Local theater companies and art galleries
– Arts festivals
Neighborhood associations
News media
– Television and radio
– Newspapers and community newsletters
52
Coming Together as a Community
Anyone Can Get
what these young people don’t tell you. Watch for
the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.
Involved
Ask questions if something seems wrong, and be
prepared to help.
All adults influence the kids in their lives. Adults
can leave a lasting impression on young people
When young people know they have adults who
regardless of whether they have close or casual
care and can give advice, they feel more comfort-
relationships with kids. Adults need to model
able and confident.
positive behaviors that support healthy relation-
ships for young people.
Actions Community
When it comes to abusive dating relationships,
Groups Can Take
anyone who becomes aware of suspected or
known abuse can get involved. Someone who
sees an abusive situation and gets involved is
The power of the community lies in the fact that
called a bystander. A bystander may be a friend,
the total is sometimes greater than the sum of its
family member, acquaintance, or even a stranger.
parts. We can often achieve more by working
Often, someone who is being abused in a rela-
together than we can by working individually.
tionship can’t—or won’t—ask for help. Bystand-
Regardless of whom you are or where you live,
ers can help victims (and abusers) by getting
you can get involved in helping prevent relation-
involved instead of looking the other way.
ship abuse. You don’t need to be an expert. Some
ideas on how to get involved include:
Adult bystanders should learn what signs to look
Find out what groups in your community
for and how to help. Then they will be able to
are doing to prevent dating abuse and join
offer knowl-
them. If there are no existing groups, start
edgeable
one.
support to
For your own safety, be
young people
Learn about existing policies on dating and
very careful about
affected by
relationship abuse (schools, youth sports,
stepping into a possibly
relationship
local youth organizations). These types of
dangerous situation.
abuse. Too
policies generally define certain negative
When in doubt, get help.
often, bystand-
behaviors and then tell what will happen
ers don’t offer
(consequences) when kids choose those
help because they don’t want to “interfere” in
behaviors.
someone else’s relationship. Things kids can do to
Identify an existing coalition, or form a new
help their peers are discussed in Section: VI.
one, to address issues related to dating abuse.
Involving Preteens and Teens.
Remember, two heads are better than one. It
takes a community, starting with a small
Tell the preteens and teens in your life that you
group of people, to provide a nurturing and
care about them and that you’re prepared to listen
and help. Then, go one step further and listen to
Coming Together as a Community
53
healthy place for youth to grow into well
CHOOSE RESPECT principles. (Other ex-
balanced and healthy, responsible adults.
amples, such as film screenings and lecture
series, are mentioned earlier in this kit.)
Help develop and improve school policies as
they relate to relationship abuse. Make sure
Engage the participation of businesses and
the rules are enforced consistently. Some
programs where young people “hang out”—
questions to ask include:
malls, fast food restaurants, movie theaters,
·
concert venues, athletic events, etc.
What happens when violence takes
place at the school or if someone is
threatened?
Remember, all young people need trusted
·
adults—parents or other role models—to help
What confidentiality rules are in place
guide them.
that allow peers to speak freely
to teachers and administrators?
· How does a student file a sexual
harassment claim?
· Who is the Title IX coordina-
tor responsible for making
sure school policies are equal
and enforced equally for girls
and boys?
Involve your volunteer organization,
place of worship, workplace, school,
or pediatrician’s office in handing out
CHOOSE RESPECT information and
materials.
Volunteer your group or organization
to mentor young people. Through
The CHOOSE RESPECT Educational Video is
supportive one-on-one relationships, you
available for community groups to use in dating
and your fellow volunteers can teach respect-
abuse prevention programs. This video shows
ful attitudes and help young people learn to
young teens talking about real-life abusive situa-
recognize, form, and enjoy healthy, support-
tions. CHOOSE RESPECT also includes an Interac-
ive relationships.
tive Music Video Maker on the Internet at
Mobilize your group or organizations to
www.chooserespect.org. This site allows kids to
organize or sponsor a community event.
read about common situations and choose correct
Establish and maintain a speakers’ bureau of
responses. Choosing appropriate responses allows
adults and youth who can clearly explain
the kids to make a music video on the Web site.
Be sure to look at the resources listed in Section
VII. Tops, Handouts, and Resources for other
materials to use in promoting healthy relation-
ships and preventing dating abuse.
54
Coming Together as a Community
Cultural Competence
All communities are made up of many different
like the United States, come from a variety of
types of people. Some of the differences can be
backgrounds. They often differ in the ways they
very big—things like language or cultural tradi-
think, communicate, and behave. Value systems,
tions. This diversity presents challenges to cam-
cultural norms, and traditions—even things like
paigns like CHOOSE RESPECT.
the way family is
How do we make sure that our
defined—vary.
In order to promote C
message is heard and under-
HOOSE
stood by everyone in the
RESPECT goals in our diverse
For more informa-
community?
communities, we must:
tion on cultural
competence as it
When we talk about healthy
Present materials that are
relates to dating
relationships and dating abuse,
easy to understand.
abuse prevention, see
it is important to make every
the Toolkit to End
effort to deliver our prevention
Be careful not to offend
Violence Against
messages to members of groups
anyone.
Women. This toolkit
that are most likely to experi-
is a publication of
ence relationship abuse. It is
Reach members of the
the National Advi-
likely that some of these groups
community who are most at
sory Council on
will have different languages or
risk to be abused or become
Violence Against
cultures from the majority
abusers.
Women and the
population. Therefore, success-
Violence Against
ful prevention efforts need to
Women Office. The
consider these differences. This is what we mean
first chapter of this toolkit provides information
by the term culturally competent.
on how communities can work successfully to
prevent dating abuse. It also gives tips for making
A culturally competent organization understands
community efforts culturally competent. To see
and accepts cultural differences. Cultural compe-
the entire toolkit, go to http://toolkit.ncjrs.org/.
tence requires that organizations value and adapt
to diversity. People, especially in a melting pot
Coming Together as a Community
55
Section VII.
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
Communication Skills
Good communication skills are important to all healthy relationships. Successful communication flows
in both directions and has two main parts:
Listening
A good communicator listens attentively and respectfully to what the other person is saying. He or
she allows the other to express feelings and thoughts without interrupting, and makes an effort to
understand.
Talking
A good communicator expresses his or her thoughts and feelings to the other person clearly,
openly, and without extreme emotion.
Some tips for becoming a better communicator:
Listen to what the other person has to say. Don’t interrupt or show disrespect for the other person.
Be aware of your body language as well as the other person’s. Body language includes facial expres-
sion and body position and movement. It tells a lot about what people are thinking. Be sure that
your body language and facial expressions do not send a negative message. Maintain an open
expression and show that you are listening
Use “I” statements. You’ll have more success talking about what you are feeling than by accusing or
blaming the other person for what he/she has or has not done. For example: “I really worry when
you don’t call to say you’ll be late” instead of “You’re so inconsiderate! Why didn’t you call?”
Talk in a normal, respectful tone of voice. Don’t yell or raise your voice.
Ask questions to show interest and to get more information about what the other person has said.
Look the other person in the eye.
If you’re angry, take a break and cool off before continuing the discussion.
Don’t judge the other person.
Be clear, straightforward, and specific. Ask for what you want.
Practice empathy. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Check for understanding by re-stating what you heard the other person say and asking for confir-
mation.
You can find additional communication tips at the Michigan State University Counseling Center’s Web
site: www.couns.msu.edu/self-help/suggest.htm.
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
59
Safety Tips
These safety tips are for all persons involved in relationships, and are helpful for teens as well as adults.
These tips are from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Injury Preven-
tion and Control.
If you are the victim of relationship abuse, don’t blame yourself but do seek help. Talk with
people you trust and seek services. Contact your local domestic violence shelter or the National
Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233), 800-787-3224 TDD, or www.ndvh.org/.
They can provide helpful information and advice.
If you are or think you may become violent with the person you are dating, contact the National
Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233), 800-787-3224 (TDD), or
www.ndvh.org/. They can provide helpful contact information.
Recognize early warning signs of potential physical violence, like extreme jealousy, controlling
behavior, or verbal threats.
Know what services are available for people involved in violent relationships in your community.
Keep a list of these services on hand in case you or a friend ever needs help.
Learn as much as you can about dating abuse. Information is available in libraries, from local and na-
tional domestic violence organizations, and on the Internet. The more you know about dating abuse, the
easier it will be to recognize it and help yourself or friends who may be victims or abusers.
60
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
Relationship Questionnaire
The following questions refer to a girlfriend or boyfriend in a dating or romantic relationship.
Yes
No
Sometimes
Does your girlfriend or boyfriend tease you in
hurtful ways?
Is he/she jealous of your other friends?
Does he/she ignore your opinions or interests?
Does he/she check up on you?
Does he/she accuse you of flirting with other people?
Does he/she tell you how to dress, or who you can
hang out with?
Does he/she insist that you spend all of your free
time together, and get angry when you want to do
other things?
Does he/she try to control you or order you around?
Does he/she make all the decisions?
Does he/she insult or humiliate you or call you names?
Does your boyfriend or girlfriend tell you it’s your
fault when he or she is mean to you?
Are you afraid of him/her?
Does he/she ever pressure you for sex?
Does he/she provoke you into fights?
Does he/she have a history of bad relationships?
Does he/she refuse to accept breaking up, or
threaten suicide if you end the relationship?
Does he/she lie to you or keep things from you?
Has he/she ever (even once) hit you?
Has he/she ever destroyed something that
belonged to you?
Does he/she tell you that no one else wants you
for a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Do your family or friends dislike or distrust your
girlfriend/boyfriend?
Has he/she gotten too serious about the
relationship too fast?
Adapted from the Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence Web site: www.ricadv.org/violence.html
All of the above are signs that something is wrong in your relationship.
You should seek the help and advice of a trusted adult.
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
61
What Would You Do?
Scenarios from the CHOOSE RESPECT Interactive Music Video Maker
When your friends tease you about
a. Say she is cool.
your relationship with a girl, you
b. Call her names and deny you like her.
choose to:
c. Call your friends names and tease them back.
d. Tell them she cannot keep her hands off of you.
Your girlfriend is mad because you
a. Yell back.
went out with the boys and not her.
b. Push her away and walk off.
You choose to:
c. Tell her that it is just the way you are—take it or leave it.
d. Wait until she calms down and talk it over.
You hear a guy threatening to smack
a. Ignore it.
his girlfriend. You choose to:
b. Run over and push the guy away.
c. Step in and ask them to talk it out.
d. Step in and threaten the guy.
You are not interested in going out
a. Make fun of her in the group.
with a girl in your group anymore.
b. Try to hug and kiss her and get her to do other things she
You choose to:
does not want to do in order to make her leave the group.
c. Ignore her.
d. Be honest and tell her you just want to be friends.
You asked a girl to go to the dance,
a. Spread a nasty rumor about her all over school.
but she says another guy already asked
b. Be rude to her every chance you get.
her. You choose to:
c. Smile and say, “That’s cool, maybe next time.”
d. Threaten to hurt the other guy.
You and your friends see a guy mark-
a. Yell at him to stop.
ing up his girlfriend’s locker. You
b. Laugh about it.
choose to:
c. Turn around and ignore that it is happening.
d. Throw things at him.
Your boyfriend is staring at another
a. Give him the silent treatment.
girl and it is making you jealous. You
b. Smack him and go off on him.
choose to:
c. Tell him how that makes you feel.
d. Start telling your friends he is a jerk.
After the movies, he wants to hang
a. Yell at him in front of everyone for disagreeing with you.
out. You want to go home. You choose
b. Do what he wants to because he is the boy.
to:
c. Walk home by yourself.
d. Ask him to respect your wishes.
Your friend shows up with a new
a. Step in and help her calm down.
haircut. All the kids are making fun of
b. Start cursing at the kids making fun of your friends.
her. Your friend gets so mad she is
c. Sit tight and watch what happens next.
ready to throw her backpack at them.
d. Find something in your desk that you can throw at the
You choose to:
hecklers.
Your girlfriend wants to go out with
a. Threaten to break up with her if she does.
her friends. You choose to:
b. Tell her to have a great time.
c. Ask if you can go along because you do not trust her.
d. Accuse her of cheating on you.
You are playing ball with your bud-
a. Blow her off to look cool to your friends.
dies. A girl friend of yours wants to
b. Let her play so you can beat her.
join in. You choose to:
c. Treat her as an equal and let her join the game.
d. Tease her and tell her girls are not as good at basketball as boys.
62
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
Resources on the Internet
The list below includes links to other federal agencies and to a number of private organizations. Refer-
ence in this kit to any specific Web site does not imply CDC endorsement or recommendation. CDC is
not responsible for the content of any “off-site” Web page referenced in this list or elsewhere in the kit.
Web sites listed were accurate at the time of printing. Web addresses sometimes change as sites are
updated and improved. If you cannot access a site, try deleting the information to the right of the first
slash (/) to connect to the home page of the site.
Teaching Respect and Other Healthy Relationship Skills:
Goodcharacter.com
www.goodcharacter.com
Character Counts!
www.charactercounts.org
Center for the 4th and 5th Rs (Respect and Responsibility)
www.cortland.edu/c4n5rs
Ripple Effects
www.rippleeffects.com/education/software/teens.html
Dating Abuse Prevention:
You may call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) or visit their Web site
(www.ndvh.org) to find community resources for help and advice about dating abuse. Additional sites
with good information about dating abuse and how to prevent it include:
American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence
www.abanet.org/domviol/home.html
American Institute on Domestic Violence
www.aidv-usa.com
American Psychological Association
www.apahelpcenter.org/featuredtopics/feature.php?id=38
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Division of Violence Prevention
www.cdc.gov/injury
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
63
Communities Against Violence Network
www.cavnet2.org
Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence
www.caepv.org
FaithTrust Institute (formerly The Center for the Prevention of Domestic and Sexual Violence)—
an interreligious faith-based educational resource
www.faithtrustinstitute.org
The Family Violence Prevention Fund: Coaching Boys Into Men
www.endabuse.org/cbim/
The Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community
www.dvinstitute.org
Jackson Katz (men’s violence prevention strategies)
www.jacksonkatz.com
Liz Claiborne: Love Is Not Abuse
www.loveisnotabuse.com
Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse
www.mincava.umn.edu
National Center for Victims of Crime: Dating Violence Resource Center
www.ncvc.org/dvrc
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
www.ncadv.org
National Latino Alliance for the Elimination of Domestic Violence
www.DVAlianza.org
National Network to End Domestic Violence
www.nnedv.org
National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center
www.safeyouth.org
64
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Health Resources and Services Administration: Stop Bullying Now
stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/index.asp
Violence Against Women Electronic Network (VAWnet)
www.vawnet.org
Best Practices of Youth Violence Prevention: A Sourcebook for Community Action. Thornton,
T.N., Craft, C.A., Dahlberg, L.L. Lynch, B.S., Baer, K. (2000). Atlanta: Centers for Disease Con-
trol and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.
www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/bestpractices.htm
Sites for Preteens and Teens:
Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence
www.acadv.org/dating.html
American Psychological Association: Love Doesn’t Have to Hurt Teens
www.apa.org/pi/pii/teen
Bullyproof™
www.bullyproof.org
Love Is Not Abuse
www.loveisnotabuse.com/home.asp
Rhode Island Coalition Against Domestic Violence
www.ricadv.org/violence.html
Stop Bullying Now
http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/index.asp
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
65
Helpful Books for Adults
A Parent’s Handbook: How to Talk to Your Children About Developing Healthy Relationships. Liz
Claiborne. www.loveisnotabuse.com or 1-800-449-STOP
Fortune, Rev. Marie M. Love Does No Harm: Sexual Ethics for the Rest of Us. New York: The Con-
tinuum Publishing Group, 1995.
Kivel, Paul. Boys Will Be Men, Raising Our Sons for Courage, Caring and Community. New Society
Publishers, 1999.
Levy, Barrie, editor. Dating Violence, Young Women in Danger. Seattle, Seal Press, 1991.
Levy, Barrie and Occhiuzzo Giggans, Patricia. What Parents Need to Know about Dating Violence. The
Seal Press, 1995.
Miedzian, Myriam. Boys Will Be Boys: Breaking the Link Between Masculinity and Violence. New York:
Doubleday, 1991.
Pipher, Mary. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. New York: Ballantine, 1994.
Wolfe, David A., et al. Alternatives to Violence: Empowering Youth to Develop Healthy Relationships. Sage
Publications, 1996.
66
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
Helpful Videos for Adults
(For information about several films that may be informative and insightful, please visit
www.mediaed.org. On this Web site, you will find descriptions of enlightening films and information
on how to order copies. The following is a short list of some documentary films that you may want to
watch, either with other adults or with young people you are close to.)
Causing Pain: Real Stories of Dating Abuse and Violence
This educational video, produced by the Choose Respect campaign, aims to raise awareness among teens,
parents, educators, and communities about unhealthy, abusive relationships and what can be done to
prevent them. This documentary style video features unscripted interviews with real teens who have
experienced, perpetrated, or witnessed dating violence. Cut together in a fast-paced, MTV-style format,
the video intersperses interviews with dramatizations to engage, inform, and motivate young teens and
the adults in their lives regarding dating violence.
2005, approx. 13 minutes, VHS.
A Love that Kills
A Love that Kills is a powerful documentary that tells the story of Monica, a 19-year-old woman who
was murdered by her former boyfriend. Monica’s mother speaks passionately throughout the video,
telling viewers about her daughter’s life and tragic death. The video helps to identify the warning signs of
partner abuse, especially in young people, and the damage it causes emotionally and physically. It will
help generate discussion and action, and is appropriate for use in Health, Guidance, Family Law or
Social Studies classes.
1999, 19 min. 32 sec., 9199 118, VHS CC
Right from the Start: Dating Violence Prevention for Teens
This film is part of an educational package designed to help teenagers recognize dating abuse and con-
front unacceptable attitudes and behaviour. The clips follow a group of teens at school, at home, in the
drama club, and at a party to illustrate the escalation of boyfriends’ abusive behavior from humiliating
jokes to violent physical and sexual attacks. An easy-to-follow guide suggests questions and role-playing
exercises for each dramatized scenario.
1992, 25 min., 9192 162, VHS CC
Purchase inquiries: kineticvideo.com
A Room Full of Men
This documentary examines a group of men who have abused women, and their efforts to change. As
the story unfolds, both participants and viewers learn that violence is more than beatings and bruises. As
long as men believe they have authority and control over women, both physically and mentally, the
potential for violence remains.
1992, 48 min., 0192 147, VHS
Purchase inquiries: Heartland Motion Pictures Inc.
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
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Still Killing Us Softly
This is the sequel to the widely acclaimed 1979 film, Killing Us Softly. In her continuous efforts to
unmask the techniques used in selling products, Jean Kilbourne draws attention to the sexual, violent,
and pornographic aspects of advertising. She points out that the image of women in advertising contin-
ues to be negative.
1987, 30 min., 9187 145, VHS CC
Purchase inquiries: kineticvideo.com
Breaking the Silence
Hosted by an RCMP constable, this video contains stories of hope for women who are in violent
relationships and provides practical and valuable information on how to leave an abusive partner. Break-
ing the Silence also gives advice and understanding to people who know of—or witness—domestic
violence, and offers help for abusers. The video focuses on the secrecy surrounding domestic violence,
urging individuals and the community to speak out and ‘break the silence.’
1995, 50 min., 9195 217, VHS
Purchase inquiries: Friday Communications Inc.
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Tips, Handouts, and Resources
Helpful Books for Preteens and Teens
Abner, Allison, and Vallarosa, Linda. Finding Our Way: The Teen Girl’s Survival Guide. New York:
Harper Perennial, 1996.
Bass, Ellen, and Kaufman, Kate. Free Your Mind: The Book for Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Youth and
their Allies. New York: Harper Collins, 1996.
Bateman, Py and Mahoney, Bill. Macho: Is That What I Really Want? Briarcliff Manor, New York:
Youth Education Systems, 1989.
Dee, Catherine. The Girls’ Guide to Life: How to Take Charge of the Issues that Affect You. New York:
Little, Brown & Co., 1997.
Feed Your Head: Some Excellent Stuff on Being Yourself. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1991.
Kuklin, Susan. Speaking Out: Teenagers Take on Race, Sex, and Identity. New York: Putnam, 1993.
Levy, Barrie. In Love and in Danger: A Teen’s Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships. Seattle,
WA: Seal Press, 1993.
Tune into Your Rights: A Guide for Teenagers about Turning off Sexual Harassment. University of Michi-
gan, Ann Arbor, 1985. (734) 763-9910.
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
69
Protection Through the Legal System
In cases of dating violence, a judge may issue a restraining order (or protective order), requiring that a
past or present abusive dating partner stop abusing the other partner. The order may also state that the
violent person may not see or contact the other partner. Restraining orders differ by state, and not all
states allow young people under the age of 18 to get restraining orders.
To find out your state’s laws regarding restraining orders for adolescents, visit www.womenslaw.org. This
Web site includes state-specific information and resources.
As a caring adult, you should become familiar with the laws in your state. Be prepared to offer advice
and make referrals if a young person comes to you for help regarding a violent relationship.
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Tips, Handouts, and Resources
Tips, Handouts, and Resources
