Boy Basics 101
Preteenagers Today – Boy Basics 101 A Survival Guide for Parenting Male Tweens
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Boy Basics 101
A Survival Guide for Parenting Male Tweens
By Kendeyl Johansen
Messy rooms, arguments and peer pressure:
Parenting a tween boy might seem like it
causes prematurely graying hair. Believe it or
not, with our tips and plenty of good humor,
it's possible to enjoy life with a male tween.
Support Independence Days
Preteen boys are reaching for independence,
and this causes frustration if parents aren't
prepared for the behavior. "Control can feel
like it's slipping away unless parents expect
that and follow along with the children as
they seek independence," says Bonnie
Harris, M.S. Ed., author of When Your Kids
Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do
About It (Warner Books, April 2003). "If you
expect a preteen to always listen and do
exactly what you say, buttons are going to
get pushed."
To avoid conflict and verbal fireworks, Harris advises taking responsibility for your
own buttons. "Rather than blaming children for pushing your buttons, become
aware of your buttons (fears, judgments, criticisms) and diffuse them by
understanding why they upset you and why your child is behaving a certain way,"
she says.
Kara Wales of Park City, Utah, mom to 10-year-old Garrett, wanted to order him to
change when he dressed for school in a loose-fitting tank top and baggy shorts. "I
disliked the sloppy way he looked, but I took a breath and made myself slow
down," she says. "It's not what we wore to school, but it's what his friends wear
now, and they're all good kids. I let him get away with it."
Wales had the courage to face her fear that people would think she was a bad
mom for letting her son dress so casually. And she deactivated her button by
realizing styles had changed and her son wasn't trying to make her crazy – he just
wanted to fit in.
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Preteenagers Today – Boy Basics 101 A Survival Guide for Parenting Male Tweens
Let's Talk
Harris says the best way to diffuse tween
issues is by discussing them with your child.
"Instead of disdaining your son's music and
interests, get into them with your child and try
and understand what he likes about them,"
she says.
Johnathan Barcon of Irvine, Calif., thought
his 12-year-old son, Zander, wasted too
much time surfing. But when Barcon rented a
surfboard and hit the waves with his son, he
marveled at the beauty of the ocean and felt
invigorated. Barcon has since bought a
surfboard, and Zander jokes his dad likes
surfing more than he does.
In addition to discussing your tween's
interests, Harris recommends talking about
your values and opinions – without forcing
them on your tween – and always listening to his thoughts. "When your preteen
has the freedom to have his own opinions, because you've given it to him, he will
be much more open to telling you what he really thinks," she says.
Shannon Tilley of Gilbert, Ariz., mom to six children (including 9-year-old Jayce
and 12-year-old Braden), is trying to help her boys understand and empathize with
differences in others. She cringes when her sons sometimes quietly make fun of
people who are different, but she says, "I think the best time for advice is another
time – not when your kids are talking to you, or they will stop talking and you may
never know the real situation."
Tilley later finds opportunities to build empathy and understanding; for instance, if
her kids are staring at a man with bad hygiene, she points out that he might smell
bad because he's too sick to take care of himself or he's poor and doesn't have
anywhere to live.
More Than Words
We've all had preteenagers tune out our words, which is why it's especially
important to teach by example. "If your son sees that you have self-respect,
respect for a partner and high standards, he'll model his behavior on this," says
Mike Domitrz, author of May I Kiss You? (Awareness Publications, March 2003)
and creator of Can I Kiss You?, an interactive program for schools and campuses.
"If you treat your tween with great respect and value and your child understands
the 'why' behind not getting involved with certain behavior, he will have a real
reason for saying 'no' to peer pressure – instead of simply saying 'because my
parents say so.'"
Tweens are starting to think about intimacy and dating, and it's essential to stress
respect for the opposite sex. "Sons need to learn that the only way you can be
sure what a girl wants is to 'ask' her," says Domitrz.
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Preteenagers Today – Boy Basics 101 A Survival Guide for Parenting Male Tweens
Tame the Teasing
Tween boys love to tease other family
members. A little teasing is fine, but things
can get ugly if they escalate. Tilley found a
unique way to tame the teasing in her family.
"I heard someplace that you should force
your kids to play together as a consequence
for not getting along, but I don't agree,
because I think it teaches that playing
together is a punishment and not a privilege"
she says.
She couldn't think of a "natural consequence"
for teasing until she decided on "toilet duty" –
a natural consequence since "teasing" and
"toilet" both start with T. "This has worked
great for us," she says. "Toilet duty isn't
nearly as fun for my kids as getting along."
Celebrate Your Tween
Preteen problems usually don't last forever, so find the positive things about boys
of this age and savor them. "My 10-year-old, Brandon, is old enough now that we
can share fun, more intense activities, like going to a college or pro basketball
game, but we also love having long chats about life just before he falls asleep,"
says Janie Sutton of Las Vegas, Nev. "Brandon will probably be off to college at
18, so my time with him is more than halfway over already. We try and enjoy our
time together whenever we can!"
Want to see more?
q Mama's Boy? The Key to Understanding Your Sensitive Male Child
q Raising Boys Today
q Tackling the Tough Stuff: How to Talk to Your Teenage Son
q Talk about it!
About the Author: Kendeyl Johansen is a contributing editor for iParenting Media
and the mother of three.
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